So, how do I communicate to him that I do not accept his idea that I need to 'prove' things?
You can’t. Do you know of any way to prove anything you say? Just state it, stand by it, and leave it alone. When you start to debate this with him, you open the door for him to find an inconsistency. There is no need for you to play that game. If you tell him you are a woman, and he gets the urge to pick that apart, do you even think about arguing over such a stupid point?
I tried to say this a few posts ago and you told me I was playing the victim. When H and I were discussing the hotel issue on the phone and he said I was 'throwing the M away', I told him that it doesn't matter what I do anyway. How is this so different from saying that there is nothing I can do to prove to him that I am committed?
This is a little tough, but I think it all comes back to the arguing over little points and your “tone.” When you went to the hotel, your actions were doing the talking. You were playing martyr and actually looking for sympathy. Now, when you say you are committed to the marriage, are you looking for sympathy? No, it is a statement of fact and nothing more. So repeat it if he doesn’t hear you, but leave it at that. Don’t parse your words.
Last night I did tell him that every day breaks my heart because I love him, but everyone has their limits. I told him that these last two years have been the most difficult of my life and he just snickered and said "You haven't been through sh!t". At this point, I took your suggestion from several posts ago and asked him what would be enough....how much suffering would he consider to be enough? I don't even remember what he said after that, but apparently he didn't answer my question or I would remember. It just occurred to me that a big part of the reason I've had trouble remembering things that H says to me and what is said during our 'conversations' is that he rarely actually answers a question and instead just goes off on tangents that leave me confused and quite literally, feeling crazy. This goes back to the above quote where you advise me to keep him on topic and it is becoming more and more apparent to me how important this is.
Just something to consider, since I don’t know how volatile that conversation was, when he said "You haven't been through sh!t" you might ask him what he means by that remark. I know you know what he is talking about, but you might be able to “bait” him into opening up and expressing his pain. I believe this is the key goal for you. I do not know if you should attempt this anytime soon, or sometime later, at home or in counseling (which is probably the best choice, if he will do so).
When he says this, he is really saying, “I want to tell you how much you hurt me. Won’t you ask about it so I can jump down your throat?” Well, that last part is what scares you off, understandably, but he really wants you fell his pain and grovel at his feet to make it up to him (as Stig and I have discussed before). His pain still very fresh and raw in his mind. Talking about it could lead to him breaking down, crying and processing this pain, but he is doing all he can to avoid that while at the same time wanting you to comfort him. It’s a mess, I know.
Take a good look at what you’ve written here. Everything he does is to put the spotlight back on him and his need for vengeance. He needs to get his emotions out, but you need to stay clear of the anger. Try to see this to help you detach. He is deflecting to protect himself. You will not get him to confront his issues so all you can do is confront yours. Let him see you confront yourself in counseling (which might give him some sense of satisfaction). Maybe volunteer to discuss your issues. Eventually as the counselor sees your growth, s/he will focus on your H more and more. Let the C be the “bad” guy. You play the “good” guy.
Cobra, H does NOT want to talk to me. He isn't going to 'calm down and re-enter the conversation'. It's almost like, if I want to talk to him, this is what I get. Period. If I don't want it, then fine, I don't get to talk to him. It's no skin off his back, don't you see?
No I don’t see at all. He wants revenge to self sooth. He cannot get that from anyone else but you. Even if he is not speaking to you, he gets satisfaction from seeing you struggle. So work on yourself, detach, make yourself happy, do what you can to GAL WITHOUT triggering any further abandonment fears in him (this will be a tricky line to walk). Let him know you are not going anywhere, that you are committed to the marriage, but you do not have to wallow in self pity like him. You have to move forward for the sake of the kids.
That's not really it. That goes on, I'm not denying it, but in this case I feel that someone who could be 'fine' with things as they are is clearly not someone who is willing to do the work to fix it. We haven't had sex in 5 months!! Is that fine with him too???? My point is that if he doesn't mind the situation, then what am I fighting for?? What kind of M am I ever gonna get from him at this point??
He is not fine with the way things are, but I think he is too consumed with anger. You might talk to your counselor about him addressing his anger at some point. This is still all about each of your protecting yourself and not showing any vulnerability. It is a tough and scary place to be. Show your progress in the counseling sessions. Let the counselor acknowledge and validate how you are getting in touch with yourself since your H will not do so. Let him watch your progress from the outside.
