Am I Creating a SSM Part III

[heatherg]

Your mistake is in accepting his premise that you need to prove anything to him.

I see your point. When I put myself in his position though (being cheated on) and then I hear him telling me that he does not need to prove anything to me, I think it sounds incredibly uncaring. So, how do I communicate to him that I do not accept his idea that I need to 'prove' things?

The next time I suggest you pick one topic at a time and explore his accusations in detail, exploring and having him explain everything he accuses you of. Put forth your explanations or your recollection too. Don’t let him create a one sided picture while staying silent. Stand your ground and DEFEND YOUR REALITY! When you two have reach and agreement on that particular issue, write it down.

This will be my next communication goal.

There is nothing you can say to prove to him that you are committed.

I tried to say this a few posts ago and you told me I was playing the victim. When H and I were discussing the hotel issue on the phone and he said I was 'throwing the M away', I told him that it doesn't matter what I do anyway. How is this so different from saying that there is nothing I can do to prove to him that I am committed?

So compensate to ease his fears by showing your love for him, your vulnerability, you intention to stay and work on the marriage as LONG AS HE IS APPROPRIATE

Last night I did tell him that every day breaks my heart because I love him, but everyone has their limits. I told him that these last two years have been the most difficult of my life and he just snickered and said "You haven't been through sh!t". At this point, I took your suggestion from several posts ago and asked him what would be enough....how much suffering would he consider to be enough? I don't even remember what he said after that, but apparently he didn't answer my question or I would remember. It just occurred to me that a big part of the reason I've had trouble remembering things that H says to me and what is said during our 'conversations' is that he rarely actually answers a question and instead just goes off on tangents that leave me confused and quite literally, feeling crazy. This goes back to the above quote where you advise me to keep him on topic and it is becoming more and more apparent to me how important this is.

As soon as he is under control, then WELCOME the opportunity to speak with him again, even THANK HIM if you have to for calming down so you can talk to him. Immediately reward the good behavior and do not acknowledge the bad.

Cobra, H does NOT want to talk to me. He isn't going to 'calm down and re-enter the conversation'. It's almost like, if I want to talk to him, this is what I get. Period. If I don't want it, then fine, I don't get to talk to him. It's no skin off his back, don't you see?

The fact that he is denying the things you see makes you upset. You are still looking for him to reflect back to you the pain and frustration you feel.

That's not really it. That goes on, I'm not denying it, but in this case I feel that someone who could be 'fine' with things as they are is clearly not someone who is willing to do the work to fix it. We haven't had sex in 5 months!! Is that fine with him too???? My point is that if he doesn't mind the situation, then what am I fighting for?? What kind of M am I ever gonna get from him at this point??