Your mistake is in accepting his premise that you need to prove anything to him. When he says he wants you to prove your commitment, he is really saying he wants you to verify all his preconceived beliefs that you are not committed. There is no point to chasing this argument. You did do some good things though. You questioned him on his generalized statements (asking him to list your demands on him, to show how you’ve turned the tables on him). The problem is that you did not stay on-message and push your point. If you did he would have to confront his hypocrisy, but you let him off the hook.
The next time I suggest you pick one topic at a time and explore his accusations in detail, exploring and having him explain everything he accuses you of. Put forth your explanations or your recollection too. Don’t let him create a one sided picture while staying silent. Stand your ground and DEFEND YOUR REALITY! When you two have reach and agreement on that particular issue, write it down. After a few sessions like this, he might learn that his broad generalizations are not going to fly.
This will also help you to become more assertive and not take all his passive aggressive abuse. There is nothing you can say to prove to him that you are committed. He does not want to hear your commitment, he wants to punish you to satisfy his sense of revenge. I think he needs to keep this fire burning with sustained anger because it keeps you off balance and subjugated to him and therefore keeps him in control. That control helps to feed his sense of power which I think he is using to fortify his defenses and therefore protect himself and the hurt he feels. He has you in a catch 22. There is no way you can win as long as you play by his rules.
When you decide not to play his game, you are differentiating, and as Schnarch says, he will do everything in his power to pull you back down. So he starts to act up, rage, threaten to not see the counselor, etc. The more he does this the stronger the confirmation signal that you are doing the right thing. Your differentiation scares him because he sees a lack of enmeshment as loss of love and it scares him. So compensate to ease his fears by showing your love for him, your vulnerability, you intention to stay and work on the marriage as LONG AS HE IS APPROPRIATE (this is your #1 boundary for now). You need to let him know that you will no longer tolerate any kind of abuse. If he starts shouting, then just go into another room and tell him you will not speak to him until he can address you in a respectful manner.
As soon as he is under control, then WELCOME the opportunity to speak with him again, even THANK HIM if you have to for calming down so you can talk to him. Immediately reward the good behavior and do not acknowledge the bad. Your non-reactivity is a great first step. Keep it up and do not let him off the hook again. BUT BE SURE TO SHOW YOUR VULNERABILITY. This is the only way to diffuse the escalating anger in him.
You were doing so good until this last statement:
He said "That's just it....*I'm* fine!" He always maintains that he's fine with things the way they are.
You do recognize the enmeshment in this don’t you? The fact that he is denying the things you see makes you upset. You are still looking for him to reflect back to you the pain and frustration you feel. He is not being empathic to you and it hurts you. But you should be far enough along in Schnarch to recognize how undifferentiated this position of your is, right? So just stop feeling sorry for your self. It doesn’t help you. Instead, understand the defensiveness of his statement, the pain he is hiding behind it, and why it is not an attack on you at all, but rather a cry for help. Can you see that? This mindset should help you stay focused and disengaged.
