Am I Creating a SSM Part III

[heatherg]

I had a 30 min conversation with H tonight. What felt so different was the way I kept so calm. The way I *felt* so calm.

You know, he never told my Happy Mother's Day until I asked him to and even then, he just said "how'd it go?". He finally said happy mother's day and I said thank you, jeez was that so hard? He gave me some line of crap about me not being his mother and therefore it's not his place to tell me that, the kids are supposed to say it. For crying out loud, my boss even told me.....whatever.

I told him that I wasn't feeling very hopeful about our future....that I was feeling like he didn't want to be with me, that is the conclusion I keep coming to. I asked him how he felt, he said he didn't know. When I asked again in a different way, he said "I'm just me". I said "Okaay....?" So, he started off avoiding, but he did engage in the conversation....said after the 'bullsh!t' I pulled the other night (staying at the hotel) he realizes where I still stand and that I have not commited to him. He said he has decided he won't put anymore effort into this R until I can show him that I am committed. That the ball is in my court to jump in and show him that I am committed. I told him that I am committed to working together to make the M better...that I am not committed to the M the way that it is and that I won't tell him I will stay no matter how bad things are or how much he may hurt me. I will not stay no matter what. I asked him if that was what committment meant to him, saying I would stay no matter what. He didn't answer.
He mentioned not going back to counseling until he 'sees' something from me.
He was all over the place, bringing up several issues and I said "H, let's just take one thing at a time, just one thing" and he explained bringing it up by saying "But it's a shining example of what I'm talking about...". He was bringing up my refusal to pay more of the bills or 'switch bills' as proof that I am not committed to him.
He said things were not good *before* my A and now I expect them to be better than ever. I said I don't expect that things will happen overnight, but over the last two years, I haven't felt any significant forward movement. I asked him what demands I've made because he keeps referring to me "cheating on him and then making all these demands in order to remain in the M". I told him that the only demand I've made is that we start acting like a married couple or else we come to a decision to go our separate ways. He said "Yeah, start acting like a M couple, which encompasses all the little demands that go with it".
He also said that the MC has told him to stop being a 'victim'....that I've turned the tables on him and made *me* the victim. I said "H, you've been there for every session, you've heard everything I've said, in fact I don't even speak all that much, how have I 'turned the tables'"? He basically just repeated what he initially said. He said "I've even caught crap for being too close to my kids!".

I just don't know how to reach him. I wonder to myself if I can try one more time to give it my all....but then I wonder what giving it my all means. If he hasn't felt it yet, I guess I must not have it to give. I want to make it work, but I feel like no matter what I do, it's not going to be enough because every disagreement, every time I stand up for myself, every time I do something he doesn't agree with....he will use it as 'proof' that I'm not committed.

He said he hasn't seen remorse, sorrow...same thing he always says. I asked him what he will do if he *never* sees those things, what if? He said "That's just it....*I'm* fine!" He always maintains that he's fine with things the way they are.