Am I Creating a SSM Part III

[heatherg]

Our C brought up the concept of “minimizer” and “maximizer.” The maximizer is easy to see, he wears his emotions on his sleeve, is not afraid to express himself, and does so in a effort to exert a certain level of control over situation. This would be someone who shouts, and is very demonstrative, to the point of even spilling over into verbal abuse. This person is the obvious target in counseling for the one controlling the relationship and in need of some “reigning in.”

The minimizer is the opposite. I n counseling, he is very together, appropriate in his answers, very much in control. He allows the maximizer to act out as proof that he, the minimizer is being controlled. The truth is often, but not always, the opposite. Because the minimizer is so reserved, he is withholding judgment, and forcing the minimizer to pull information out of him. The maximizer is actually controlling the minimizer, but in a very covert, almost subconscious way. But it is not subconscious. It is conscious and done out of fear. It is very passive aggressive. It is almost dishonest in a way, and it put the spouse in a VERY difficult situation.

Not speaking, not communicating, withholding emotion is a form of verbal abuse. It can be every bit as destructive as the person who is yelling and screaming. But it is self perpetuating because the person maintains the appearance of propriety. Any challenge to this is extremely difficult because the other person can only resort to maximizing or other “inappropriate” behavior. It is almost a no-win situation for the spouse of the maximizer.

This is an excerpt of one of Cobra's posts on Brian_M's thread. It describes an element of my R with H pretty well.

My H rarely wants to talk about our R. Probably 5 times over the last two years, excluding our handful of visits to MC. In the past, this has driven me pretty close to crazy as I had so many things I wanted to accomplish with comminication....and I resorted to exhibiting "maximizing" or "inappropriate" behavior. I would get so frustrated at his ability to simply choose not to talk and his ability to ignore me if I tried anyway.....I would do just about anything to engage him. Including calling him names, telling him I hated him, etc.
If he did choose to let me talk instead of ignoring me, it felt like his words were meant more to frustrate me, insult me or take me down some other path by arguing against my feelings, arguing the 'rightness' of what I was saying, etc. His words rarely felt to me like a genuine attempt to communicate. He would tell me I was crazy, and of course I was acting crazy so I began to believe him. He told me the reason he wouldn't talk to me was because I didn't know *how* to talk and of course, I was screaming, so I began to believe him.

I started *so* many conversations with the very, very best of intentions....and crashed and burned nearly every single time.

I tried to tell H prior to my A how I was feeling....he didn't care/didn't listen/didn't want to do anything about it/didn't agree with me/etc. I hardly ever walk away from a conversation with H feeling *closer* to him.

This past two years, I have worked very hard to control that "maximizing and inappropriate" behavior. It has been my biggest, probably only, success. It has not really resulted in better or more frequent conversations, but it has allowed me to have more respect for myself because I act according to how I think I should as opposed to *re*acting to H's behavior.

In the past, I always walked away taking the lion's share of guilt and wrong doing after our conversations/arguments because of my inappropriate displays of....desperation. I allowed the spotlight to be on me every single time while he sat back and watched the show. And then subsequently ignored me because of my bad behavior. Nothing was ever accomplished, the topic I had set out to discuss only stayed in the shadow of my inappropriate behavior and the only obvious conclusion at the end of it all was that I was crazy. Only during the last year, have I really grasped the facts about what was going on in the dynamics of our interactions. And now I know that I am not crazy.

And Cobra, you're right. It's a no-win situation for the maximizer. There is no way to coerce a conversation or any other behavior when the other party is not willing. The maximizer needs to find something else to take his/her attention off the situation or it will drive them mad. I know....I've been to the edge. I can't think of a better way to tell someone how indifferent you are toward them or how little they matter to you than to refuse to communicate in such a calm, self-assured way as my H. And to get rip roaring drunk while he was at it, that always added to the effect it had on me.