It is not about the bed for crying out loud~it is about taking back my RIGHT…. Maybe H would again try to drag me out, maybe he wouldn't. But either way, if I can hold my ground, then I've taken back the right that he never should have had the power to take away from me in the first place….. I tried to respect his needs and look where it got me~do you see how it is impossible to have intimacy with someone whom I believe would be emotioanlly abusive at best if I tried to sleep in my bed?.....
Yeah I see this and understand it. The question what are you going to do about it? I’m not sure further escalation of the power struggle is the answer.
What truly frustrates me is that H cannot see how wrong it is to keep me OUT.
Like you say, he doesn’t see it this way….
It seems you have to truly make someone an object in your mind in order to be able to carry out something like this for so long.
Maybe, but your are speculating. If we could get into his head, I doubt his thought process would sound so crazy. He is operating from his reality.
Key phrase "and your partner does too".
Stop focusing on him. Did you read the comment I made to Fighting4Wife about making a leap of faith? This applies to you too. You do not want to do any more work on the R until he does. He is probably thing the same thing. You are stuck, so unless one of you decides to make yourself vulnerable and take a chance, you will remain stuck. Get hold of your fears of rejection. He’s already rejecting you. How much more can he reject? Except for divorcing, can things get much worse, and will D really be worse?
Take the position that you are committed to this marriage and your H, no matter what he says or does. This will make a difference. You have actually done this, though I’m not sure your realize it. See below.
I would say this is exactly how I feel. Isn't that what draws people to become a couple and have a family?
Yup. So keep your focus on the end and stop fighting over the means.
What threat did I make?
You left the house. Be sure not to confuse whether YOU think you made a threat versus whether HE thinks you made a threat.
I hear ya. What I cannot fathom, and do not want to become, is someone who continually tries to bare their soul to someone who doesn't give a crap.
Because every time I open my mouth about anything pertaining to how I feel about our R, I know there is a 99% chance he will walk away.
Sorry, have to call BS on this one! I think we all want someone with whom we can be intimate and share our deepest secrets. You may not like his response, but you still want to be intimate. This is actually a good example of your enmeshment. You are putting blame on him for how you feel.
Making yourself vulnerable and displaying your feelings and desires is your choice. Whether someone acknowledges your views or not is theirs. Their view should not affect how you feel about yourself and what you want to do (be intimate and vulnerable). You may choose not to be this way with your H anymore, but he has no control over how you feel about his view, right?
I've tried this before in a letter. Since I can't seem to get out everything I want to say in person, I've tried emails and letters. Maybe I will try again. Post it here. Make sure it says everything I need it to say.
Maybe you can help me put those choices into the letter I'm talking about in a way that is not threatening. Up to it?
Not a bad idea. I’m happy to help, though others may be able to offer more valuable input than I.
Here's a theory, something I've been thinking about: Schnarch wrote that couples can't *not* communicate. Couples come to him saying they can't communicate and he sees plenty of communication. So, I keep saying H won't communicate with me. But maybe that's not true. Maybe he's communicating fine and I just don't want to accept what he's saying.
BINGO!!! That’s what I’m trying to tell you. Mojo’s H is telling her she smothers him. She has plenty of reason why he doesn’t know what he is talking about. Yet he keeps saying it. Now we have an explanation that can help her remove her filters, broaden her view of the interactions in her marriage, to see that what he says could be true. Couldn’t the same be said for you?
Regarding your Update~
….I said "Fine, there's no rush. This has been going on for two years so another few days isn't going to hurt."
Tonight, somewhere, I just spontaneously felt and acted normally, in a good mood. I told H I decided to schedule the appraisal on the house anyway because I figure he's gonna stop ignoring me eventually and then we'll have the appraisal and we can get on with it. Surprisingly enough, I would say he is no longer ignoring me. We certainly aren't holding hands or anything, but he's speaking casual sentences to me.
I really do want to get this house remodeled. I think it would do wonders for my mindset. We have great plans, hopefully it all works out……
In reference to my above comment, do you realize what you’ve said to your H with this series of events? You spoke of the future, a future the includes the TWO of you. He heard you LOUD and CLEAR. You thought that by pushing forward with your decision, he would get upset, that this would be just another stage of the power play.
But instead he warmed up to you, the exact opposite of what you expected, right? Plus you did it in a good mood. I think this is what he wants more than anything. I’m also willing to bet that once you two can lay down arms and have a truly open heart–to-heart talk, you will find he has been feeling the exact same things you have been and he wants just what you want, to get back to the good times. This update says a lot to me. I think you need to think long and hard about it and how you can follow up on this positive opportunity.
Maybe others can give you better ideas than I on how to break through the ice a little more.
