Am I Creating a SSM Part III

[heatherg]

Have you been watching any hockey lately? Now that the playoffs have started, hockey is almost a sport.

You're lucky I consider you a friend buster The Red Wings just lost in the first round last night. Sucks.

But at this point I wonder if it's maybe time to put H and his concerns and his issues and his responses on the far back burner for a while and just deal with Heather.

I know my attitude hasn't been the greatest. I do get sooo caught up in all of this. My head reels sometimes. I'm ok. I actually do a lot better than I seem to on the boards I think...I release a lot of my frustrations here. But you're right, I need to give it up for a while.

This cycle repeats itself a few times until they realize that they really need to recover and recuperate *beyond* the point where they feel good again...they need to nurture their injury until it's really healed, then they can go back to worrying about their race.

This is a great analogy. It does describe my cylces pretty well, doesn't it? I've mentioned this before, but I can't remember if I posted it here. I remember when I was pregnant and I wanted to start the lawn mower and mow the lawn. H was at work and I was hormonal and wanted the lawn mowed NOW. I had never mowed the lawn or started a mower before. I called H to ask him what I was supposed to do and he told me. It was a pull cord and I could not pull it hard enough to get it to start. I was so impatient and frustrated, but so determined. I would say to myself "Screw it" and go in the house. I'd sit there for a minute and then go back out and try it again. I did this a few times before I got it started. There are times in life when I want to give up, but I have this perverse side to me that won't let me

So give yourself a break and release him for now.

Thanks for looking out for me. I think I'll take your advice.

Along the lines of recuperating and nurturing yourself, my first suggestion is to give up the power your secrets and failings have over your life.

I'll work on this. Intellectually, I know there are other good people who have made serious mistakes. I need to move past it just as much as H does.

The day I decided I could live with that I noted it for the record in my thread. Do you remember (borrowed from Robert Bly), "I don't believe I'll let you shame me today, W"?

I do remember that statement. I'm glad you've been able to find some forgiveness for yourself....I know that I need to find it too. It's weird that it's so much easier to see that others deserve forgiveness, but somehow I've percieved myself differently.

Update~
This afternoon, I called H and told him that the appraiser called me and wanted to schedule the appraisal for the house and I wanted to know if he still intended to move forward with remodeling plans as we'd discussed. He said no. I said "The decisive way you said that makes me wonder if you've contacted a lawyer". He said he hadn't. I said well you said the M was over right? Are you going to contact a L? He said I don't know, I'm not sure of anything. I said "oh, I see. So you just threatened me with ending the M?" He said "I'm not big on threats." I said "Well, it sounds like a threat to me. Do make sure to let me know ahead of time if you plan to contact a L, would you?" I also told him that we should plan to discuss the direction of the M, maybe tonight. He said he didn't know if he'd feel up to it. I said "Fine, there's no rush. This has been going on for two years so another few days isn't going to hurt."

I was prodding him and it wasn't a very nice conversation. I knew it wasn't a nice conversation and knew I probably shouldn't be saying those things, but I did it anyway.

Tonight, somewhere, I just spontaneously felt and acted normally, in a good mood. I told H I decided to schedule the appraisal on the house anyway because I figure he's gonna stop ignoring me eventually and then we'll have the appraisal and we can get on with it. Surprisingly enough, I would say he is no longer ignoring me. We certainly aren't holding hands or anything, but he's speaking casual sentences to me.

I really do want to get this house remodeled. I think it would do wonders for my mindset. We have great plans, hopefully it all works out. We'd be the first in our neighborhood to update our house to such a great extent. We live in a neighborhood where all the houses were built in the 1950s and we've already done a LOT to it. But we want to add a second story and make some other major changes. It would double the size of the house and the appraisers I talked to aren't very optimistic that we would get our money back out of it. I think we would. We live in Norfolk and since the city is pretty much built out, there are brand new houses going up in older neighborhoods all the time. It's just that ours would be the first in *our* neighborhood. I don't think that's a very big deal, but obviously the appraiser could feel differently and put a value too low for us to be able to get the financing. Unfortunately, the appraisers have to use the values of the surrounding homes as their basis, so if there are no others like the one we are planning to make, it creates more of a subjective situation and we are at the mercy of the appraiser. So, we'll see. But I'd have my own bedroom upstairs with the kids and that would make me so calm, to have my own space. I would no longer want my old room back, I could buy a new king sized bed and have room for the kids in my bed if they wanted and I would feel a sense of calmness that might help ride out the storm. I really hope it goes through.

Thanks to all for listening and advising. I appreciate your thoughts.