Am I Creating a SSM Part III

[heatherg]

If you could save the marriage, have the intimacy and the sex you want but the compromise would be that you couldn’t sleep together, would you take it?

This is impossible. Because true intimacy cannot be had with a partner who does something like refuse to let me sleep in my bed. It is mutually exclusive. It is not about the bed for crying out loud~it is about taking back my RIGHT. H also has the RIGHT not to sleep in the bed. That is an important distinction and one that makes going back to my own bed more and more appealing every day. Maybe H would again try to drag me out, maybe he wouldn't. But either way, if I can hold my ground, then I've taken back the right that he never should have had the power to take away from me in the first place. I let him because I felt it was warranted. But not forever! I tried to respect his needs and look where it got me~do you see how it is impossible to have intimacy with someone whom I believe would be emotioanlly abusive at best if I tried to sleep in my bed? There is no intimacy to be had in a relationship like this.

your goal is way too high in this case and the lack of progress is depressing you.

Probably so. Again though, if I was in my bed and H was sleeping in the guest room, I would be better able to see that this was his decision that I just needed to be patient on. What truly frustrates me is that H cannot see how wrong it is to keep me OUT. It seems you have to truly make someone an object in your mind in order to be able to carry out something like this for so long.

Once you learn to self sooth and your partner does too, then need to do so lessens.

Key phrase "and your partner does too".

need to be respected as a person, to be recognized, acknowledged….. TO FEEL INCLUDED

I would say this is exactly how I feel. Isn't that what draws people to become a couple and have a family?

Yes, he made a hollow threat and so did you.

What threat did I make?

That means changing into someone that you cannot fathom is a scary process.

I hear ya. What I cannot fathom, and do not want to become, is someone who continually tries to bare their soul to someone who doesn't give a crap.

This doesn’t make sense. How do his thoughts make you vulnerable?

Because every time I open my mouth about anything pertaining to how I feel about our R, I know there is a 99% chance he will walk away.

Wouldn’t you just love to hear him lay it all out on the line, to admit to his fears and confess his love for you, how much you mean to him?

I've tried this before in a letter. Since I can't seem to get out everything I want to say in person, I've tried emails and letters. Maybe I will try again. Post it here. Make sure it says everything I need it to say.

He will have to confront a choice – take the love and all the changes he claims he wants from you or go his own way. The decision is not that difficult if the two choices are CLEAR.

Maybe you can help me put those choices into the letter I'm talking about in a way that is not threatening. Up to it?

This may seem disrespectful, but it is also his choice. He doesn’t have to agree to speak with you.

Of course he has a choice. So do two people who are dating. And if one person acted the way H acts when I try to speak to him, would the other person keep calling? Probably not, because it may be his choice, but it IS disrespectful. Only crazy people like me put up with that kind of disrespect. Normal people say "fine, see ya dude".

Here's a theory, something I've been thinking about:
Schnarch wrote that couples can't *not* communicate. Couples come to him saying they can't communicate and he sees plenty of communication. So, I keep saying H won't communicate with me. But maybe that's not true. Maybe he's communicating fine and I just don't want to accept what he's saying. I'm going to try to journal a little about that.