Am I Creating a SSM Part III

[Burgbud]

Hey, Heather! Have you been watching any hockey lately? Now that the playoffs have started, hockey is almost a sport.

I agree with a lot of the things Cobra has said. I think you give H a lot of power, I think he abuses that power, and I think he gets scared when you claim some of that power back. But at this point I wonder if it's maybe time to put H and his concerns and his issues and his responses on the far back burner for a while and just deal with Heather. It's pretty safe to assume that H isn't going anywhere, so this M doesn't have to be saved *right now*. It seems like a helluva good time though, Heather, to really concentrate on saving yourself. What I've noticed is that when you get a little peace in your life you tend to start feeling optimistic and you want something to work on, something to try to improve your M. Then when (as has generally been the case) your efforts go unrewarded you start to feel down and hopeless again. But you're not a down and hopeless person, so before very long you're feeling better and you take another shot. It makes me think of a marathon runner who sprains their ankle. They rest and get treatment and pretty soon their ankle feels good so they go out and run ten miles. When they're done the ankle is the size of a volleyball and they have to recuperate again. This cycle repeats itself a few times until they realize that they really need to recover and recuperate *beyond* the point where they feel good again...they need to nurture their injury until it's really healed, then they can go back to worrying about their race.

It's just an analogy, the track isn't going out of its way to trip them up, but you get the point.

So give yourself a break and release him for now. There are a lot of good ideas and strategies and techniques you could employ to bring H around but I'm not convinced you have the energy or mindset to go down that path at the moment. And I don't think you have to because your M is not at immediate risk.

Along the lines of recuperating and nurturing yourself, my first suggestion is to give up the power your secrets and failings have over your life. This is coming from personal experience because W has accused me of several fairly horrible abuses. For a long time that's how she kept me in line. But being who I am I couldn't stand being controlled for *too* long, so eventually I gave it up. She might tell people terrible things about me. Those people might believe her without listening to my side. Those people might not like me because of it. So be it. The day I decided I could live with that I noted it for the record in my thread. Do you remember (borrowed from Robert Bly), "I don't believe I'll let you shame me today, W"? My life hasn't been great since I made that decision, but it's been better.

Think about somebody you respect and admire at work. Someone who seems like they really have it all together. Someone who gives others the same impression you'd like to give. If you found out that person had been divorced or was going thru a divorce or had cheated on their spouse or had a spouse who cheated on them, would that change your opinion of them all of a sudden? Or might you think, "That person has really done well with all the crap they've gone thru." That's what almost everybody will think about you. And if they don't then f*ck 'em; they can die tied down to an anthill or they can become President of the United States for all I care. But...you've been awfully honest about yourself on this board, scathingly so sometimes, and I've yet to see anybody decide that you suck so much they don't want to talk to you any more. And if they do then f'em, anthills, Presidents, etc.

So take back your power and give up your shame. Let people find out about you what they will. If you kissed a guy outside your M, then you did. If you're married to a dumba$$, then you are (but H may not be hopeless, either). If you sleep in separate bedrooms, then you do. You don't have to broadcast anything but don't give this stuff any power over you. If it gets out, you'll either keep all your friends or the friendships you have left will be stronger. If you have to, say to yourself, "I'm Heather and I suck but I'm okay."

Just don't forget the "I'm okay" bit. You're actually much better than that but it's a start.