Am I Creating a SSM Part III

[heatherg]

Say he never sleeps with you again. How does that make you a failure

It makes the M a failure. And I try to think of ways to make the M not a failure, but I can't change it.

Lots of couples do not sleep together (my W and I don’t – she says I snore). That should not affect your self esteem.

Come on Cobra. I am fully aware that many couples CHOOSE not to sleep together. My parents never slept together a day in my life. My Dad was always on the couch because, he too, snored. But you know what? There is a difference here. No one tried to control where one or the other slept. If my Dad wanted to sleep in the bed, my Mom didn't pull out all the stops so that he couldn't. Please don't insult me by making comparisons on my R that just don't compare. It affects my self-esteem because there are certain things that I define success by. If I change the majority of those benchmarks, then all of a sudden my definition of success *FEELS* more like failure.

how is that consistent with the differentiation lessons you are reading in Schnarch?

Like I said before, I completely agree with the value of learning differentiation (Lil, I read that list and I see many of those behaviors in my past self and some still in the present self) and self-soothing. But if one has to practice self soothing every single day, in major ways, and doesn't feel like their SO shares their concerns in life or values them in any important way, then differentiation becomes a way of life and can easily become just another wall where you say to yourself "Go ahead, act like that. You can't affect me." Well great. You've taken away your partner's power to affect you, bu are you happier???

I don’t mean that you should go around advertising your sleeping in separate beds, but I wouldn’t make efforts to cover it up either.

I don't cover it up. SIL knows we are in separate beds. I still find it extremely demeaning. And that is because my choices have been taken away from me more than anything. It's because I know what H's intentions are, otherwise he would just sleep somewhere else. The way he is going about this says SO much. It's not just about sleeping in separate beds Cobra. It's about him disrespecting me and refusing to allow me to have any choices. Whenever I've tried to make my situation better (cleaning the stuff out of the room I'm sleeping in or putting a door on the room) H has ignored me, accused me, etc-what does that indicate to you? It indicates to me that it is a punishment, a sentence. Can you not see that? Now, we can talk about differentiation and say that I "let" my H make me feel that way. Well, okay. When I cut myself I "let" myself bleed too. Differentiation can ony take you so far in a R like mine. I'm not saying I've even begun to scratch the surface of learning it, but I will not fool myself into thinking that I can solve all of my problems if I could just take responsibility for how I feel.


That means I think you should have slept in your separate bed and told your sister-in-law straight up what is going on.

And what would that accomplish Cobra? How does that stand up for ME?

I think your leaving the house may not have been the best course of action. You do need to stand up to him, but not by running away.

I didn't run. I had hours to decide. I made a conscious decision that it was the best thing for ME. And, as far as a L goes, I was only gone an hour and a half due to the circumstances I posted about, but I see your point. It is well noted for next time. Because at the rate we're going, there will be a next time in one way or another.

You say I do need to stand up to him. But you also say I should have just slept in my separate bed. So how do I stand up to him Cobra? How is going home and sleeping in the guest room, just like always, standing up for MY feelings?

Remember his abandonment fears? I think confrontation needs to be direct, not passive-aggressive.


I'm seriously getting to the point where I don't give a dang if H is afraid of my blowdryer. I can feel myself caring less and less every day. Leaving was about ME, not about him. It was about standing up for my integrity. It is one thing for him to humiliate me at home, but when others are in my home, it becomes more public. I will not be humiliated in front of other people. It was about DOING something when I feel like there's nothing I can do.

H said: "So, you're actually SERIOUS? You're just going to throw the M away?"
Cobra said: I see him saying here that he does not want to throw away the marriage, but thinks you are still in the mind set to do so.

What H was saying is "If you do this, the M is over". That is a threat. And certainly, if I would have said that to him, you'd have called me out on it. Oh, and by the way, I did it. So, does that mean the M is over now? Should I ask him? Where is his follow through, is he seeing a lawyer? Let me tell you the answer~NO. Because it was a threat, an attempt to control my actions. Nothing more.

You both want the upper hand on being the martyr.

No, I don't! I want to move on. I am a martyr because I'm still here, in this R, when I probably shouldn't be. I will continue to be a martyr until he either starts respecting me or I decide to leave. I am a martyr, but that doesn't mean I *want* to be one or that I somehow like this crap.

This does not sound like vulnerability to me, but more like justification.

It felt like vulnerability to me. You have to realize that to even think for a second that H is going to give a crap about what I have to say, THAT is vulnerability. The same way you don't walk up to a stranger and start spilling your guts, when you're trying to build trust and intimacy you can't expect someone to just lay it all out there, particularly if you have walked away, laughed and demeaned them in the past. Human beings are smart, right? We don't put our whole hand on the burner if we think it might be hot....we stick our finger out. And if we get burned, it reinforces the idea that we should quit putting our finger out. I am still willing to put my finger out, but I am *NOT* willing to just dive right in. And look at H's reaction to me. He turned around, walked away and shut his/our bedroom door. What does that say to me? That I should bare more of myself next time???

I am thinking you need to turn things around on him to a certain extent.

If he has such deep meaning and reasons for the things he does, why do I need to turn anything around on him? You seriously confuse me. You defend him all the way through this post, explaining his position, and then all of a sudden tell me I've been mothering him and need to turn things around on him.

Set the firm boundaries and limits. Call your H out on his abusiveness.

How do you make a boundary on such horrible disrespect, for instance, as someone walking away from you when you are trying to talk to them? You can't control someone's abusive behavior by making a boundary Cobra. You cannot make boundaries with someone who won't respect them. That's the conundrum with abuse. If the abuser respected your bondaries and limits, it wouldn't be abuse!!

Forgive my negativity. I am at a place in this R where I feel helpless and I'm not sure I even care at this point.