Meet this challenge from H, head on, instead of the both of you using passive aggression that turns into full on aggression, as a way of communicating with each other.
Model the type of behavior that you want from H, show him how it's done. He may not respond in kind, who knows, but you will be able to hold your head high.
Quote: Ironically, we purchased the bed together with the money we received from our wedding.
Well then, unless you agree to continue paying penance for your sins indefinitely, I'd say it's HIS problem that he can't tolerate sleeping with you. "This bed is half mine. Either sleep in your half, or we can come up with a month-to-month arrangement where one of us sleeps here, and one of us sleeps on the couch. Happy May, dear, which is your first month on the couch."
Come on, Heather. It's as much your bed as it is his. Shake that cage.
I have slept with earplugs and an eye mask for years. Started when my husband snored. BF also snores. I live in the country and used to have two dogs-- they would smell some creature outside at night and erupt into furious barking. The earplugs help. Now I use them for napping and even when I sleep alone (my bf and I live together part time). The earplugs are fantastic on airplanes-- you can still hear the announcements perfectly, but all of the engine noise is cut out.
Here are tips: get the foam rubber earplugs-- NOT the hard silicone ones that are like jellybeans. You squish them down and stick them in your ears and they expand, and you can hear the volume on the outside world going down. I also use them when working in noisy offices.
The eye mask is a bit more of a challenge. Go to Bed Bath & Beyond and look for brightly colored ones made of thin foam, that are curved sort of like goggles. These work well. Also the "Bucky" ones that are filled with buckwheat-- they're expensive: about $25.
You can DEFINITELY get used to them. With them you can get really DEEP sleep. Our bedrooms are so light nowadays, what with ambient light, digital readouts, etc., that we do not get total darkness. Your body (eyes) need TOTAL darkness in order to make melatonin, the hormone that lets you have deep sleep.
There was someone on here who wasn't getting good sleep...I think it was Happy Giant's wife... anyway, you want an eye mask that gives you TOTAL DARKNESS, so try it on. They have elastic straps that are fastened with velcro for a snug fit. It will give you a crease in your hair in the morning (sort of like Hat Hair without the hat).
These two things-- foam earplugs, eye mask-- can increase the quality of sleep (and thus of Life) tremendously.
The other thing is, when you crawl into bed and put these on, you will either not be able to hear him at all, or you will be able to credibly ignore him when he asks you to leave. Go up to bed ahead of him and be in bed with mask and earplugs on.
I'm a VERY light sleeper, but when I have these on, my bf can get a phone call, get up, turn on the light, get dressed, leave, and I can sleep through ALL of it.
Ok. I'll try it. I'll go today and buy the tools for my arsenal My earplugs and face mask. Bed, Bath & Beyond, here I come! Thanks for the suggestions and support. I really think it's time. We've tried it his way for two years. I don't know if this will help my M, but I know it will help me. It will be like H to make a new pact to never sleep with me again period, whereas before he was stringing me along with statements like "I can see it happening in the future...". So, I guess I need to be prepared for this to affect our R negatively for a long time. In which case, I guess I'll have to reassess whether or not the R is worth it. My sister said she thought it was 'weird' that I was so concerned with what my nephew would think of H and I sleeping in separate beds but that I don't seem to be concerned with what my kids think about it. I am concerned about it, but I haven't done anything about it have I? I've been telling myself that I'm working on the overall picture....the 'right now' might not be pretty, but hopefully in the 'end' it will have been worth it. But nothing's changing! When there is no conflict and things go well for a few weeks, H is more affectionate, etc. But that is not change! It's easy to get along when you get along, kwim? All that does is make every day life more pleasant. It hasn't increased our emotional connection, it hasn't made H want to recommit, all the 'rules' are still in place....no REAL substantial change is occurring. In Passionate Marriage, I am reading about Carol and Warren...this couple Schnarch uses as an example. Carol needs Warren to choose her. I need that too. I've chosen H. In fact I was sure to tell him those very words Saturday afternoon. I want to be with him. Unless he can say or show me the same, I don't know that this will ever work. Any progress that we have made falls very, very short of indicating that he has chosen me.
I'm thinking I will just get in bed tonight and if he tries to argue about it, I will tell him that we can discuss it calmly later. I guess I will refuse to answer any other questions because I know they will just be prods to argue.
I need to have a plan in case he does react physically. How much is too much? I mean what if he just shoves me in the back? You can't call 911 b/c your husband pushes you can you?
"Happiness is a butterfly, which, when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you."
I'd say it would depend on the shove. If he is just poking you trying to make it uncomfortable enough that you leave, don't call 911. If he is shoving you hard enough to physically make you fall out of the bed, you should consider it. It is possible to sustain major injury falling out of the bed. Now, as a fit young woman, you probably won't be injured.
However, if he is shoving you hard enough to push you out of the bed, I think the best thing to do would be to leave and then contact the police department the next day and get advice on how you should respond. In other words, keep it low key, without the drama of flashing lights in your house late at night, but be safe. If you ever think he will get dangerously violent, call 911 immediately and try leave the house (with your child).
Chromo
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
Can you call 911 if your H pushes you? It depends...if he pushes you off the bed and you land on the floor, probably not. If he pushes you a second time, and you land on the floor, probably not. But, if, as you get back into the bed, you say, "what you are doing, is fast approaching what the local police would consider 'spousal abuse,'" and, then he pushes you again, and your head just happens to smack into the nightstand or other hard object, then yes.
But frankly, I'd stay away from getting the police involved unless it gets really violent. Why? Because of your son. You don't want him waking up to the police taking his dad out of the house.
Just keep getting in the bed...either he'll get violent, at which point you call 911, or he'll get disgusted and leave or maybe even stay. You know what? You could go through 1,000 predicted endings to this night, and you'd probably still be surprised. Just know that it's time for a change, and it's time to take your half of the bed back.
Hmmm... it occurs to me, Heather, that your H has already decided that this marriage is over. That he has no intention of making a go of it, but that he wants it to be YOUR fault that it broke up. Not just your fault because of the kiss or internet thing (I can't remember exactly) but he wants you to be the one to leave, walk out, abandon him, etc. Then he can be a martyr, a Wronged Party, the guy whose woman was no damm good and done him wrong. He can wear this like a badge forever.
Everything he is doing is pointing to that. He is not acting like a man who wants this marriage to work. He is driving you away, so that the D will be YOUR fault. He wants a D, but he wants it to be YOUR fault.
That remark he made when you wanted to go to motel about throwing the marriage away--- that was nonsense. He is driving you out. He's like the bully (we seem to have a lot of them among the spouses of this board) who provokes and provokes and then when you finally get fed up and strike, it was all your fault.
Your posts often sound very confused. They're full of maybes, and I don't knows, I wonders...you're always trying to figure out where he is coming from so you will know how to feel and how to act. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with YOU-- I'm saying that is a perfectly normal reaction to someone who is intentionally trying to drive you crazy.
OK, think about this before acting, maybe? If your H is someone who will react physically to finding you in your bed and refusing to leave.. then that might not be the approach you wanna take. What you WANT is for him to welcome you back into the bed. I mean... sleeping beside him and knowing your an unwanted visitor is accomplishing what for the M? The appearance of things being OK? Then after that goes on and he gets "credit" for allowing you in the bed (even though nothing has still changed!).. how are you going to then break free from the cycle that never ends? What if he says "Fine, I'll sleep in the guest room!" Then what? Then you'll still have the same prob with the kids seeing you sleeping separately.
Just MHO, I'd save this for the next MC session. I'd let it be known that I want to discuss this and only this issue and come to a resolution at that session. Give him a heads up.. some time to consider it. Let him know that sleeping apart is no longer an option for you. I mean, if having the bed is just the goal, then you could separate and have a bed, KWIM? I think the goal here is to be back in the bed as H and W, with a committment to work on the M from him, or you are ready to admit defeat and move on? Address the issue.. which is the M and committment to it. Am I wrong? The sleeping together is a symptom. You want in the bed AND a committment and nothing less.
Why play a game to ask for what you want and need? Especially if it turns out violent.. or if it looks like more of the same as Sat to him. Just to him we know, but still... why go do something that he's going to use as more justification for being an *ss?
My earplugs and face mask. Bed, Bath & Beyond, here I come!