I'd like to throw this into the mix... copied it years ago and keep it on my desk
Quote: When you're in love with someone, they are a walking manifestation of your soul-- good and bad. We always fall in love with the person who recapitulates the childhood problem for us to get another chance to heal it. When a woman is in love with an alcoholic, she internally is an addict. He brings her the addiction. That's why you'll find, unless she gets help, she will marry the same guy over and over again.
I looked up recapitulate, and I think it's a particularly appropriate word, especially given meanings #2 and #3 below.
Quote: recapitulate- verb
1: summarize briefly; "Let's recapitulate the main ideas" [syn: recap]
2: repeat stages of evolutionary development during the embryonic phase of life
3: repeat an earlier theme of a composition [syn: reprise, reprize, repeat]
"Repeat an earlier stage of development" and "repeat an earlier theme." Fits, doesn't it?
Hey Heather.. didn't we almost make an Alanon pact once? I'm game if you are
I'm thinking about it. So many people have recommended it to me, I guess that must mean something. I'll look into it, when and where the meetings are. I'll letcha know. I think it's very sweet of you to offer to 'do it with me'. Thanks
I was on my way to a good internal dialogue about this stuff and had a lot of thoughts. Most of them escape me now as I've had a pretty emotional weekend with H. The short version is that I am very sensitive to others knowing where I sleep....the fact that I don't sleep in my own bed is like a personal failure to me. It represents the fact that I cheated on my H and I have yet to be 'forgiven'. It is a new way of life for me that represents the worst thing that I've ever done and can never be allowed to forget. I feel like I'm in such a one-down position and that's probably my own problem for assigning so much meaning to it. But, there IS meaning to it even if I want to try to deny it...it's there. With that being said, there was a time in the not so distant past where H wanted to share a hotel room with his family and I refused. I insisted on our own room. Saturday night H's sister wanted her son to spend the night. I tried to tell her I was uncomfortable with it because things 'are not normal' at my house and she didn't get it, even though I think she did. She pushed the issue saying that her son wouldn't notice, blah, blah. Well, it is a combination of my own fault for not standing up and saying simply 'I'm sorry, but now is not a good time' and feeling that S5 should not have to suffer with not being able to have a sleepover because I am too proud to let others know where I sleep. Not to mention, I had to pretty much announce it to get my point across anyway. I cut SIL short and said "I'd rather not make a big deal out of it, either he'll come or he won't, let's just get on with it". She tried to comfort me later by saying sometimes her and her H sleep separately so her son probably wouldn't think anything of it. I told her I didn't wish to discuss it further, it would be fine. There is already a history of S5 asking this particular cousin "Your Mommy and Daddy sleep together?" I realize that all of this is merely a diversion from the real issue....that I'm not sleeping in my own bed. So, I let H know that I would probably not sleep at the house Sat night. He laughed incredulously and asked "What??" I was cordial the rest of the evening and after the kids were asleep, I packed a little duffel bag and told H I would be home in the morning after my massage appt at 9am. I didn't know where I was headed, but I had planned to call him when I got there and let him know where I was. I headed to a hotel, where he called me and asked me "So, you're actually SERIOUS? You're just going to throw the M away?" I basically just told him that is not what I intended and if that's the way he felt, it was out of my hands. I said "What will be, will be because it doesn't seem to matter what I do anyway". I told him that if he felt so strongly about it, then he could always let me sleep in my own bed. He said "I'm not ready yet, especially with you acting like this..." I said "Ok, well it's freezing out here, so let me get checked in...".
Well turns out that my 'neighbors' in the motel I picked (I didn't know where the heck to go.....it seemed like a decent enough place, it cost over $100 for the night, so I figured it must be ok) were teenagers having a party. I called the front desk after being there a half hour. They had music on, people coming and going, knocking on the door, talking and hanging out on the balcony right outside my door...it was awful. They said the would call them and to let me know if things did not settle down and she would have them kicked out. Well, I just laid there, things improved, but were still WELL beyond what one would expect from people staying in a motel at midnight. The next thing I knew, some guy was puking and I almost wretched just listening to it....I called the front desk, told them I was checking out....the person on duty couldn't authorize a refund and I had stupidly paid with my check card instead of my Amex.....I left just as the police were getting there. It was 1:30am. I went home and just made sure I was up and awake by the time nephew got up. There wasn't much else I could do at that point....what an absolute cluster fukc.
So, anyway, H is being pretty evil today, ignoring me yet again. Seems to be the new norm in our R.
I really wrestled with whether or not leaving the house Sat night was the right thing to do. Then I remembered our conversation here about doing what was right for *me* and not worrying about H's reactions. So I went with it. It was scary as hell to go against him, particularly when he was telling me that I was throwing the M away....I just asked him "Come on, what progress has really been made the last two years anyway? Real progress? How much?" Last night and this morning during my massage were extremely emotional times for me.....I kept telling myself that H was right, everyone thinks I'm being stupid...our 7 year old nephew isn't going to know the difference....he said I was using this 'really stupid excuse' just to get out of the house for the night....the whole thing was horrible. It's so hard to step farther than you think you should to stand up for yourself....and I still don't 'know' if I picked an issue that was worth picking. You know, pick your battles. But I feel like I did. It didn't have to be so personal....I could have used a little time alone and space anyway.....the kids could have their fun, H can keep his crappy little boundary and keep me out of the bedroom and I got to save a little bit, just a little of my own integrity. But he did take it personally and threatened the M over it. Fine I guess. Not that he'll take that step because he won't. He'll just make my life so miserable that *I'll* want to take that step, like our lives were before. Pretty good strategy, huh?
And I sit here wondering if this mess is my fault. Because I shouldn't have pushed the issue. Afterall, where the hell did it get me? I ended up coming home anyway....it felt like 'someone' in the cosmos was trying to tell me that I made a stupid decision by coming there.
My question to you is, is this how it feels to take a risk and make a boundary and stand up for yourself? To not 'put up with something'? Or is this simply me paying the emotional price for a stupid decision?
"Happiness is a butterfly, which, when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you."
Hugggggs.. big ones GF!! NO, this is not the price you pay for a stupid decision, at all. This is your H laying it on you big time. He can say you threw the M away by leaving to stay elsewhere, but only you can choose to believe that or not. That's a boundary. You choosing what YOU think and believe and not allowing him to guilt you because he doesnt like how you handled the sitch. Why is it that he can keep you out of your bed for two years, knowing you don't like it and he hasnt thrown the M away. You can keep yourself out of the house for a few hours knowing he doesnt like it and all of a sudden the fate of the entire M is in your hands?
Forgive yourself Heather. YOU forgive you. This is not what you get for making a mistake and talking and kissing to another man. It doesnt make you a person who doesnt deserve to have her dignity and sleep by her H. He isnt ready for you to be back in the bed, especially after Sat, huh? He wasn't ready period. He wasnt ready because IMO, he's a coward and he still wouldnt have been ready if you'd have stayed at home Sat regardless of your feelings. The whole sitch with your nephew, again IMO, was an emotional crisis for you. Can you see that? It brought all of your shame, embarassement, anger, hurt.. all those things you wanna protect that little girl from, right to the surface. You deserve loving support during times that are emotionally difficult for you. From your H, from family, from friends. Instead, you had to take the matter into your own hands and try to find a way to feel better. Your decision was for you.. you knew you were drawing a line in the sand when you left, and yet you chose to do that. Maybe you're getting to that place where it's too much to not have a choice and not know where life is going. Only you know that answer, but while you're making it - don't beat yourself up. You've gone WAY beyond the norm here to work things out with your H. Dont doubt yourself, OK?
Brush yourself off.. get some rest.. take time to think.. go to karate.. be a teflon stone and try to understand that your H is making choices in this too. Can you acknowledge that your H isnt in the M and hasnt been in awhile? You might have left it briefly for a small fling, but how long has he been gone? And, as others have said.. try not to look at his reactions and what he's doing to figure out where you are. Look within yourself, forgive, and trust yourself.
{{{heatherg}}} I'm getting fed up with your H. At some point, not forgiving someone for something they did months or years ago turns from "principle" into "grudge." Okay, H, you made your point, now scoot over and make room on the bed. Or, if you'd prefer, let's divide it...and I don't mean with a chain saw (although, the thought is somewhat entertaining). Let's divide it along with everything else, because it's a marital asset.
And WTF is he doing sitting on YOUR couch? Why not tell him you're not comfortable with him sitting there?
I'm obviously getting p!ssed about your sitch, where I have no business getting p!ssed. I'm somewhat sensitive over that imaginary line that gets crossed when forgiveness is withheld for justifiable reasons, to where it is withheld because the withholder wants to cause pain, or chooses not to grow.
My W can hold a grudge. She still does against her dad for stuff he said/did to her when she was a kid. And she still does against me for stuff I did long ago.
When lack of forgiveness becomes another weapon in their arsenal, there will be no peace in the marriage.
Frankly, Heather, maybe you need to be talking to a lawyer.
Thanks for being here Sheila...I needed to some reassuring words this morning.
Last night I remembered my posts with HP where we talked about how discussions make us vulnerable and I told myself I was going to open myself up about this with H, and try to invite him to tell me his feelings. He shut out the light in the kitchen last night to head to his room to watch a movie, I was already settled in on the couch. The room was dark and as he passed I said "H?" He turned around and said "What?" I said "I feel sad that you were doubtful about my wherabouts and my intentions last night. I just want you to know that my actions were not personal against either you or the R, I just did what I felt like I needed to do." He said "I don't know what to tell ya, this is not a R where you can just leave for a night". I said "I am not trying to change your feelings on the issue, I just wanted to tell you how I feel". He turned around and I said, not quite as nice, "Thanks for listening" and he walked down to his bedroom and shut the door.
"Happiness is a butterfly, which, when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you."
What if you were to say "Since nephew is spending the night, I figured I'd sleep in our bed." and leave it at that. What's he gonna say?
Looking back, that's probably what I should have done. It's what I would do if I could do it over again. I'm thinking about just doing it anyway. Just telling H, "In light of the drama over the weekend and how it affected both of us, I will be sleeping in the bedroom from now on".
What could he say? Lots, but more importantly, it's what he would do. I don't think he would go to the lengths he went to last time, but he would keep the lights on or insist on watching TV in there so that I wouldn't be able to sleep. Sometimes I start thinking that it's a good idea (like a few sentences ago) to just do it and then I think about what he will do to prevent it and I realize I'd have to prepare myself for a battle which I would likely lose. Then what? Leave I guess? Go back to the couch?
"Happiness is a butterfly, which, when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you."
