Hugggggs.. big ones GF!! NO, this is not the price you pay for a stupid decision, at all. This is your H laying it on you big time. He can say you threw the M away by leaving to stay elsewhere, but only you can choose to believe that or not. That's a boundary. You choosing what YOU think and believe and not allowing him to guilt you because he doesnt like how you handled the sitch. Why is it that he can keep you out of your bed for two years, knowing you don't like it and he hasnt thrown the M away. You can keep yourself out of the house for a few hours knowing he doesnt like it and all of a sudden the fate of the entire M is in your hands?
Forgive yourself Heather. YOU forgive you. This is not what you get for making a mistake and talking and kissing to another man. It doesnt make you a person who doesnt deserve to have her dignity and sleep by her H. He isnt ready for you to be back in the bed, especially after Sat, huh? He wasn't ready period. He wasnt ready because IMO, he's a coward and he still wouldnt have been ready if you'd have stayed at home Sat regardless of your feelings. The whole sitch with your nephew, again IMO, was an emotional crisis for you. Can you see that? It brought all of your shame, embarassement, anger, hurt.. all those things you wanna protect that little girl from, right to the surface. You deserve loving support during times that are emotionally difficult for you. From your H, from family, from friends. Instead, you had to take the matter into your own hands and try to find a way to feel better. Your decision was for you.. you knew you were drawing a line in the sand when you left, and yet you chose to do that. Maybe you're getting to that place where it's too much to not have a choice and not know where life is going. Only you know that answer, but while you're making it - don't beat yourself up. You've gone WAY beyond the norm here to work things out with your H. Dont doubt yourself, OK?
Brush yourself off.. get some rest.. take time to think.. go to karate.. be a teflon stone and try to understand that your H is making choices in this too. Can you acknowledge that your H isnt in the M and hasnt been in awhile? You might have left it briefly for a small fling, but how long has he been gone? And, as others have said.. try not to look at his reactions and what he's doing to figure out where you are. Look within yourself, forgive, and trust yourself.
