Am I Creating a SSM Part III

[heatherg]

Hey Heather.. didn't we almost make an Alanon pact once? I'm game if you are

I'm thinking about it. So many people have recommended it to me, I guess that must mean something. I'll look into it, when and where the meetings are. I'll letcha know. I think it's very sweet of you to offer to 'do it with me'. Thanks

I was on my way to a good internal dialogue about this stuff and had a lot of thoughts. Most of them escape me now as I've had a pretty emotional weekend with H. The short version is that I am very sensitive to others knowing where I sleep....the fact that I don't sleep in my own bed is like a personal failure to me. It represents the fact that I cheated on my H and I have yet to be 'forgiven'. It is a new way of life for me that represents the worst thing that I've ever done and can never be allowed to forget. I feel like I'm in such a one-down position and that's probably my own problem for assigning so much meaning to it. But, there IS meaning to it even if I want to try to deny it...it's there. With that being said, there was a time in the not so distant past where H wanted to share a hotel room with his family and I refused. I insisted on our own room. Saturday night H's sister wanted her son to spend the night. I tried to tell her I was uncomfortable with it because things 'are not normal' at my house and she didn't get it, even though I think she did. She pushed the issue saying that her son wouldn't notice, blah, blah. Well, it is a combination of my own fault for not standing up and saying simply 'I'm sorry, but now is not a good time' and feeling that S5 should not have to suffer with not being able to have a sleepover because I am too proud to let others know where I sleep. Not to mention, I had to pretty much announce it to get my point across anyway. I cut SIL short and said "I'd rather not make a big deal out of it, either he'll come or he won't, let's just get on with it". She tried to comfort me later by saying sometimes her and her H sleep separately so her son probably wouldn't think anything of it. I told her I didn't wish to discuss it further, it would be fine.
There is already a history of S5 asking this particular cousin "Your Mommy and Daddy sleep together?" I realize that all of this is merely a diversion from the real issue....that I'm not sleeping in my own bed.
So, I let H know that I would probably not sleep at the house Sat night. He laughed incredulously and asked "What??" I was cordial the rest of the evening and after the kids were asleep, I packed a little duffel bag and told H I would be home in the morning after my massage appt at 9am. I didn't know where I was headed, but I had planned to call him when I got there and let him know where I was.
I headed to a hotel, where he called me and asked me "So, you're actually SERIOUS? You're just going to throw the M away?" I basically just told him that is not what I intended and if that's the way he felt, it was out of my hands. I said "What will be, will be because it doesn't seem to matter what I do anyway". I told him that if he felt so strongly about it, then he could always let me sleep in my own bed. He said "I'm not ready yet, especially with you acting like this..." I said "Ok, well it's freezing out here, so let me get checked in...".

Well turns out that my 'neighbors' in the motel I picked (I didn't know where the heck to go.....it seemed like a decent enough place, it cost over $100 for the night, so I figured it must be ok) were teenagers having a party. I called the front desk after being there a half hour. They had music on, people coming and going, knocking on the door, talking and hanging out on the balcony right outside my door...it was awful. They said the would call them and to let me know if things did not settle down and she would have them kicked out. Well, I just laid there, things improved, but were still WELL beyond what one would expect from people staying in a motel at midnight. The next thing I knew, some guy was puking and I almost wretched just listening to it....I called the front desk, told them I was checking out....the person on duty couldn't authorize a refund and I had stupidly paid with my check card instead of my Amex.....I left just as the police were getting there. It was 1:30am. I went home and just made sure I was up and awake by the time nephew got up. There wasn't much else I could do at that point....what an absolute cluster fukc.

So, anyway, H is being pretty evil today, ignoring me yet again. Seems to be the new norm in our R.

I really wrestled with whether or not leaving the house Sat night was the right thing to do. Then I remembered our conversation here about doing what was right for *me* and not worrying about H's reactions. So I went with it. It was scary as hell to go against him, particularly when he was telling me that I was throwing the M away....I just asked him "Come on, what progress has really been made the last two years anyway? Real progress? How much?" Last night and this morning during my massage were extremely emotional times for me.....I kept telling myself that H was right, everyone thinks I'm being stupid...our 7 year old nephew isn't going to know the difference....he said I was using this 'really stupid excuse' just to get out of the house for the night....the whole thing was horrible. It's so hard to step farther than you think you should to stand up for yourself....and I still don't 'know' if I picked an issue that was worth picking. You know, pick your battles. But I feel like I did. It didn't have to be so personal....I could have used a little time alone and space anyway.....the kids could have their fun, H can keep his crappy little boundary and keep me out of the bedroom and I got to save a little bit, just a little of my own integrity.
But he did take it personally and threatened the M over it. Fine I guess. Not that he'll take that step because he won't. He'll just make my life so miserable that *I'll* want to take that step, like our lives were before. Pretty good strategy, huh?

And I sit here wondering if this mess is my fault. Because I shouldn't have pushed the issue. Afterall, where the hell did it get me? I ended up coming home anyway....it felt like 'someone' in the cosmos was trying to tell me that I made a stupid decision by coming there.

My question to you is, is this how it feels to take a risk and make a boundary and stand up for yourself? To not 'put up with something'? Or is this simply me paying the emotional price for a stupid decision?