Am I Creating a SSM Part III

[heatherg]

Because I can't see how you'll get anywhere with healing the R until you're making good progress on healing you.

The thing is, I feel like I've already accepted most of this stuff. My parents weren't the best parents, but they certainly weren't the worst. If I have any feelings left over, I have to say a do have a rather intense desire to protect that little girl. Even that 16 year old little girl. Even the little girl I was when H and I met. I wish I could go back in time and steer her in the right direction and whisper the words that would have made her believe in herself somehow. Thing is, when push came to shove, she always pulled through, so I guess she really didn't need me afterall. I think sometimes I still act in hyper defense mode because I'm trying to stand up and protect myself, which is something I never did before...only at the very last minute before I was pushed into the fire. Now I try not to let anyone get me close to the fire. I try to stand up for myself before things get that far.

I'm sure growing up with alcoholic parents didn't foster any great feelings for H's drinking problem, but I don't think my childhood is to blame. H had/has a drinking problem and I would feel the same about it no matter what my childhood was.

I'm really not sure about my sexual history. I mean, in the later years, it seems logical to write it off to low self esteem, but what about in the early years? Curiosity? Need for attention? I can't figure that one out. I've even asked myself if it is possible that I was sexually abused, but there is no memory of such a thing ever occurring. It seems weird to even wonder that.

So, I don't *feel* like I need therapy. I've come to terms with my past and I certainly know there's nothing I can do to change it. What I really want so badly is to create a future that's entirely different. Our family network is so entirely different that mine was as a child. My kids are played with, taken places, bought things, made to feel special and smart and fun and imaginative. I feel like leaving would deprive them of that security, that happiness, that feeling of knowing for sure that tomorrow will be happy like today was. Just saying that brings me to tears because I want them to have a good family so badly. If H and I split, I don't even have any family close by. Just me. So, all of a sudden, I wouldn't have a family at all and theirs would be broken. Sounds promising, doesn't it?