I do understand the whole sex with him. You have explained it to me when I had that thread in "sexual issues" and in a Womans Guide..... and Chris explained it to me as well. For the last 8 months I have been avoiding turning him down. in the begining it was to avoid fighting. after you and Chris explained it, I changed my attitude and didnt reject him as an attempt to make him feel loved and secure. He wanted it 6x a day every day! Tempest suggested being more agressive and intiate more over sex him to make him want to cut down. that worked. we have cut down to 3x a day.
I realize my bagage, and I know its MY problem, and when he wouldnt quit having sex because I didnt feel comfortable with it then I decided well its up to me to work through this with out stopping. So I acted as if. That helped but I did however end up angry that he wasnt caring of me enough to listen that hey it really hurt me emotionaly and he still wasnt willing to go with out for a while for me to work through my pain. When I did feel that anger growing I started telling myself, it was your choice to go ahead and handle it that way. So I think I have let go of that anger, it dosnt do any good to be mad about it now we are past that stage. I realize I havent let go of it completely because when he is inconsiderate of my feelings, I get mad that it feels like its always me working through things and sacraficing my needs and feelings because he is unwilling to. So I know I get more angry because of it and I try to remind my self of the why of my feelings, in an attempt to control my feelings.
I was talking to my therapist last Tues night about this. He said that much sex every day for that many months and he still is insecure??? the way my H is so "creative" all the time etc., my counselor said it dosnt sound very pationate and loving it sounds more like a sex addiction.
Last week when he blew up at me and gave me hell for a couple days, I decided thats it, I am so tired of doing everything he says will make him feel loved, because everything he complains about I work hard to make that change and he just finds somehting else to bitch at me about, and I think he always will. He puts me responsible for his happiness. He told me I am the dictator of his happiness. Thats BS. and if I keep not considering myself and keep taking care of everything he wants with no reciprocation, resentment is going to grow, becuase I have to work hard at not letting it.
Yesterday morning when he wanted that quickie. I didnt want to have sex or anything to do with it. Yes he did hurt me and I did not want to connect with him in that way. Why? 1 I was sick, have bad sore throat, head and chest congestion, my back ached from all the work I have been doing and I have a bladder infection and all the fun that goes with it.
2 he had just woke up not even got out of bed yet, and wreeked of alcohol. He knew how sick I was and how I was feeling.
3 I was very unhappy with him and just wanted away from him. I did offer to spend time together just not having sex. we could have just cuddled together, but I really didnt want to smell him anyways.
I decided, I didnt want to do anything with him and I put myself first for once. Putting him first for months hasnt got me far I dont think. I think I have a spoiled brat.
what I didnt consider, what you mentioned, was him wanting to connect with me after all that transpired.
I did however ended up having sex with him later on in the day after he was showerd and a few hours after the disagreement.
I told him last week after all the drama, that I am putting more energy into my own needs because taking care of him and getting no where is wearing me down. of course right away he asked if I was still going to be faithful, first thoughts of his are always about him!
I did talk to him about how about just cuddling and hugging instead. he says well we do that at night as we fall asleep.
I was thinking about how the more one partner does the less the other does. we seem to have an extreme imbalance. It seems we both do all the thinking about him and his needs.
about the other thoughts. No I just dont get out! I want to and when I talk about doing things and getting involved with things, he gets upset and worries about it interferring with my responsiblities at home to the family. I am involved with the girls drill team and they needed to earn money so I got involved with planning fundraising and my H brought up the responsibilties etc. At first I was mad but I could see his point.
My closest friends and family all live far away.
However I am planning on going back to school soon, I think that would be good for me. I was an econ major before and loved it but really dont want to go back to the business world. I am thinking more in a field where I can help people.
I do feel like I spend too much time working on my marriage. I think its because I just want to know if its going to work or not so I can get out if its not. I am tired of being frustrated with him. When I take care of me and the kids. remember when you said to me a while back to give my love to my kids and friends who can reciprocate.... well I guess I have to go back to that. Okay I didnt say that well but I think you know what I mean.
He was complaining I wasnt working on the marriage and just working on me.... and neglecting him. I didnt neglect him just wasnt going out of my way as much as I was.
Sue
Oh my gosh! I forgot today is my Birthday, I just got a card from a friend. ahhhh I am 31 today!
[This message has been edited by Sue (edited 12-14-1999).]
