"When he wants to talk about his feelings does he or does he want to manipulate YOUR behaviors by saying it makes him feel so and so way."
Well, I am begining to believe it is about getting me change my behavior because he gets really upset with me if I dont change a behavior after I know how he feels. For him he wants to be heard yes, but its also about getting me to change what I am doing.
"Something that I have been thinking about for the last little while about affecting change in relationship is that it is not as important how we think, what we say and how we act, its how this is percieved by your partner that is important."
I tried to explain that one to him over a year ago, he didnt get what I was saying. so for the heck of it, I said it to someone else and they got it the first time I said it. this is why I explain my position and thought process, its not about making excuses its about being understood. If I can understand the way another thinks I have an easy time comunicating with them. It was great when I was a dept manager. When I was an assistant I drive my boss crazy with all the questions rather then just accepting the answers, I wanted to know how she worked the equations in her head, then I was able to do the same and be on my own. I also explain how I come to the conclusions I do so someone can point out to me why thats not right if its not.
"How does your H interpret your calmness when he is obviously upset...????"
I think he interprets it as me being cold and uncaring. He has commented on that, and says I am like a lawyer in court, and I am here with all my wisdom. here is an ex. that is not during a conversation but in other areas he gets upset when I am calm. The kids had spilled some milk in the family room, we didnt know about if for a few days when we started to smell it. My H was very upset by the smell in our home and was ranting and raving and trying to find it. I was calm and looked around and then when I found the spot I just started cleaning it the best I could with the machine etc. I was calm while I was looking and taking care of it and didnt say much. So he started yelling at me, dont you care! dont you care there is an awful smell in our home. I said yes I do care but I am not going to scream about it it wont help me find it or take care of it and I dont need to feel worse then I already do having to smell it. He works himself up over things and gets very upset that I dont, he hates my calmness, if I am not upset I dont care, but thats not true, I just dont see how that helps. Some times I begin to get frazzled when he goes at me for a while because he escalates himself as he goes. He will start out talking calm and I respond calm and rather then dropping it he keeps going, just like not accepting apologies.
