Sue, I know this is a "hot" subject, but i think that when men want to have sex, it often has alot more to do with wanting to feel connected to their partners than women give them credit for. Women tend to think that men simply have an itch that needs to be scratched. I think your husband was wanting to feel close to you, especially after what happened. When you said, "No," and I understand why you didn't feel like it, I'm sure he felt hurt and rejected. Often, men don't do hurt very well, they do mad. So I think the mad you got was really hurt feelings. And I am convinced if you were to ask him, he might deny it. He might not even be aware of it himself,who knows.
So you can say to yourself, "that's too bad, he hurts me so I'm not in the mood. Why should I care about his feelings?" Or, if you understand why he wants to do a quickie, instead of just saying no and walking out, maybe you could be a bit more creative. Could you please him, even if you weren't in the mood?
I know that your history around sex is complex and that it's difficult for you to leave the past in the past. I completely understand that. But if you had no excess baggage from the past, I wonder if you would be more willing to think about why he's wanting a quickie rather than feeling the instant need to vanish when you're not exactly in the mood.
Anyway, one more thought. I would love for you to get more of your emotional needs met from activites that took you out of your home and into the world. How much time to your spend away from home? You seem to spend lots of time, maybe too much time, worrying about, thinking about your marriage. There's a big world out there, have you stuck your head out recently and taken a peak?
I hope so, Sue, Michele
[This message has been edited by Michele (edited 12-13-1999).]
