Please get that book! If for no other reason than you can ask your H to read so that perhaps he understands both you and himself better.
When you are in control and calm it makes him angry? No! He makes himself angry.
Why does your being in control stir up negative emotions in your H. Maybe because he feels like he is not in control, insecure and powerless.
When he wants to talk about his feelings does he or does he want to manipulate YOUR behaviors by saying it makes him feel so and so way.
There is a big differnece between I am mad because you do not want to have sex with me AND I am frustrated because I treat your not wanting to have sex now as a personel rejection.
Sue, When you are listening to him try not to get manipulated into reacting to his feelings. You can certainly say that accept that he feels that way, you can empathize with him. But don't try to solve him.
One of John's Gray's lines went something like...
When a man wants to talk he has a vested interest in being right
Sue, by staying clam and collected and not engaging you will find more clarity and solutions. If you find your H getting angry then diffuse as best you can and if the talk seems to hostile postpone it to another scheduled time. Then reassure him that this is not a personel rejection of him it is a way to have a more meaningful talk.
Something that I have been thinking about for the last little while about affecting change in relationship is that it is not as important how we think, what we say and how we act, its how this is percieved by your partner that is important.
How does your H interpret your calmness when he is obviously upset...????
Something to think about while you are cleaning the toilet .
Chris
[This message has been edited by ChrisJ (edited 12-13-1999).]
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