Okay, yes I am taking a break from my house work for a moment, sheesh I havent even gotten to house work yet, its hard to not "clean" thats one of my probs right there, anything that needs cleaning I clean it and it takes no time for things to need to be cleaned again! so everyone is just going to have to live with dirty floors until I finish organizing things then I will "clean".
so heres what happend. I messed up but I learned some things I think. 1 stick to original plans! this morning when H woke up he said can you take 5 mins to spend some time with me, I said sure. He said okay how about a quickie? I said I really dont feel like having sex right now. he kept trying to talk me into it saying only five mins. so I said I told you I do not feel like it and started to leave. he said you gave time to that pointing at my computer but you cant give 5 mins to the man who loves you. I said I gave time to myself yes, and I am willing to give you the time you ask for however I just do not want to have sex and I started to walk out. he got mad. I went about working on my house projects and bathed my Munchie then went down stairs to make her lunch and went back to sorting all the clothes.
He came to me and said I would like to talk to you do you have time. I said sure. I went to sit with him and have a talk. I guess I should have realized he meant he wanted to talk at me not with me!!!
He said you know I wanted five minutes of your time and you wouldnt give me that. How are we suposed to move foward and backwards at the same time? you say you want to work on things and move forward yet you bring up the past and all my faults. I said you asked me for sex and I didnt want to. he said you stated that so I dropped it and just wanted to spend 5 minutes with you. I said you didnt say that I told you I would spend the time with you but not have sex and you pressed on for please just a quickie I really want you. He says he decided to just spend time with me because he wanted to talk to me. I said well I wish you would have told me that. He said well you kept saying you didnt want to have sex and then left. I said well usually when you get mad that I say no you say fine get out then. He said why do you have to throw the past at me and my faults and whats wrong with me. I said I am not doing that, I am stating you didnt tell me that you decided to let go of the sex issue and that you just wanted to talk to me I offerd that early in our conversation and I never knew you changed your mind to agree to that. I think that was a miscomunication problem again. I cant know what you are thinking and I need for you to tell me and express with a little more words as to what you are talking about rahter then assume I know. He said well if you dont know what I am talking about why dont you ask then? (you see same miscomunication problem as the other night when running errands and talking about Theressas email) I said I really think we need to be more explanatory with each other to avoid this. He said you just need to quit telling me my faults and what I need to change! you could tell he was really angry. I am quite proud of my self I didnt get stirred up at all and felt focussed and calm inside. I tried to just realy hear what he was saying rather then get caught up in his tones and anger. I said you know what, this is just like what Michele was talking about in how you are feeling making a diference in how you interpret things. I think you are upset right now about how you feeling about your failures and therefore feel I am throwing the past at you. He said hell ya I am upset I am really upset and I have the right to be. I try to make a change and you bring up the past. I said I am sorry you felt thats what I was doing, I was using the example as to why I didnt realize you changed your mind and decided to change. I didnt know that this morning you woke up and decided to make a change. up until today its been the same thing for 14 years, so it will help me to know when you decide to make changes. remember when you used to tell me negatively "where did you get that from" when I would tell you what my personal thoughts were, becuase you didnt think I could think up my own oppinion and then later after some months of working on yourself we were talking about something that was troubling you and I talked to you about some personal thoughts I had. You were very touched by it and it helped you a lot and you said "where did you get that from" it hurt my feelings because I opened up to you something from deep inside me and I felt you were having the same negative remark becasuse it was the same words, however you meant something diferent by those words you meant since I was reading so much and realy working hard on myself you wondered if I read it somewhere because they were such great words. It was then I realized you were making changes I wasnt aware of and needed to learn to here certain phrases you used to say and know you now have a diferent meaning to them. I think it was something similar to that that happend this morning. I can see where we both can make changes to help us not have these blocks. right now we have to learn each others thought process and new ways of thinking compared to what we were used to before, we knew eachother so well it was simple to comunicate with few words and finish each others sentences but now we are both really changing and trying to grow and we both have diferent ways about us now and we need to get to know them. He was too mad to hear me. got angry and yelled at me. I said listen I am talking nicley to you and really trying to find solutions here for us and I feel I see somehting that can help us. obviously you didnt learn a darn thing yesterday and I should have just really let you have it and I still could being what you did last night. he said what did I do last night I didnt even talk to you. I said you were drunk, he insist he was not "drunk" (we have diferent interpretations, he considers falling down drunk to be drunk, I feel you can be drunk before you reach the point you cant walk) I said well you did talk to me a little and no you were rude it was the fact that you are breaking boundaries about not drinking at home. He said I didnt drink in the house I drank outside. (theres a technicality for you!) I said I still had to smell you and see you that way and it dosnt feel good for me. He said oh so now you are getting into my business. I said no, your drinking is your issue. I feel you are really hurting right now and are numbing your pain the old way because you dont know what to do and I feel for you. Its up to you to deal with your feelings and figure out what to do about them. right now I feel you are too emotional for us to really have a constructive solution oriented talk so how about we talk later when you feel you have cooled down, because I am not upset right now and I feel it would be better for both of us if we could talk while neither of us is upset. He got mad and yelled at me for not listening and being too busy solving problems and diagnosing to let him talk about what he feels. I said I am sorry I thought you wanted to have a talk I took that to mean us exchanging ideas and talking about solutions for things. I accepted that I need to change the way I talk with you I realize now I cant use examples to explain things to you I need to find another way to comunicate then. I didnt realize you what you wanted was to get all your feelings out and for me to just listen. So I guess I did a bad job at doing active listening! I didnt recognize that thats what he was after. As soon as he said he was upset I should have realized thats really what he was after.
I had already decided I wasnt going to talk about our relationship with him for a few days but I thought he intiated a discussion about it I should have stuck to my original plan. I think right now he is feeling emotionally upset not just with me but himself with feeling so let down by himself. He needs to be heard so tonight I am sure he will want to talk and you can bet I will be activly listening.
What I have noticed though is when I am not a mess inside he cant handle it, when I am strong and in control of my emotions and focused he is angry with me. When I am a wreck he seems to be at peace. I have always said to him it takes my misery to make him happy. It always seemed he wanted a sacrafice from me to show my love for him to prove he is more important, even if it meant hurting me. I really do think there is something to him needing to break me down to come to my rescue. I think I need to show him I can need him in other ways.
okay wow I have taken too much time out I got to still do one more kid room, the play room and the rest of the laundry, to finish my todays house attack goals.
I have been really thinking about Zyg talking to me about "balance" and slone talking about getting my priorities in line. I do have to get my home organized again so I can think clearly. I know when the house is in disaray so is my mind, thats what slone meant by the purse and the home. so once I get back on track there I should be better able to figure things out!
I think I have been so caught up in working so hard on problems with my H because I was wanting out and I felt like either I fix things and stay or I tried and the answer is to get out, and I am so eager for the answer whether it be stay or go that I put too much time and energy into and threw my life out of balance.
