chris thanks and I am looking forward to hear your thoughts. great news, John V replied to my Detaching with love vs controlling thread, he was the alcoholic H. hopefully he will have some time to help with insights on mysituation from the other side just like Ihave given insights in the mind of a WAW.
here is what Theressa sent me in response to Micheles post. I sent it to her becuase I thought it would apply to her as well.
__________________________________________________________________ Michele's reply is very helpful, thanks for sharing it with me. Michele was spot on, I hope you heard what she said and will take it on board, I definitely will. This is what walking away is about.
I agree there are times when my husband is also relentless, What did Michele mean about escaping his grip? Any idea? > I think I agree with Michele when she says that both myself and you may not always get understanding or communications. What's the alternative, I guess I don't know, maybe Michele could answer this one, how can you have open honest communication under these circumstances? How can you sort things out without communicating and understanding? What I would like to say here is to retiterate something that Covenant said to me (Do you remember covenant, he used to EA his wife) He said "You are only responsible for what you do, you can't contol the outcome of what others do or how they react and vice versa. He said sometimes action speak louder than words. You need to not listen and get out of the house when someone is acting irrational and not listening to you and yes stop talking.
I would stop talking about your marriage for a while with your husband.
Here's another suggestion that Dr Harley gives, you can write your spouse a letter with the following contents however, you need to be ready to do this, it means following through if things aren't favourable,
Here goes:
"Listen, do you love me? Do you care at all about how I feel? If you do you sure have a funny way of showing it! I love you and want to spend the rest of my life with you. But it sure will be unpleasant for both of us if you keep treating me this way. You are not doing things I admire, you're doing things that I find disgusting!"
If he says "fine lets separate and end it all"
Say: "Its up to you. I wanted to be with you for life, but if you want to end it all, its your call. If you want to be in a loving relationship with me, however, you're going to have to treat me much better than you have been treating me. From this moment on you will never try to force me to do anything I do not want to, you will give me your viewpoint and let me decide if I agree but he choice has to be mine. If you are upset with me, you will have to treat me with respect until we can solve the problem by talking about it and coming to an agreement which we both agree which is best for us both. I will agree to do the same with you. I refuse to be treated this way even by a man I love."
Coveant said he agrees with the above suggestion, he also said leaving is sometimes all one can do. I find it hard to contemplate right now, actually getting up myself and leaving, I haven't ruled it out though. I am being told many times how lucky I am to have him, (This is his opinion) Then he is leaving, then he wants me to leave, I respond by saying, If you feel you want to leave, I cannot force you to stay, its up to you." (I told him the other day "I will not do xxxx for you if you speak to me that way". and I have also said "I will not listen to you if you speak to me this way".
I think for now, I would not mention problems I would just concentrate on being polite and respectful but not bring up any problems for a short while and see how things go. I think sometimes if we keep at things we become too emotional and taking a break can help.
I hope this helps. I will write about me soon. Theressa _________________________________________________________________ I am gong to give our conversation time to sink in before I attempt to talk to him further on our issues he usually takes a few days.
