thank you thank you thank you!!! Michele, I must print that out and put on every wall in my house as a reminder! you have said something to me about that before when I was feeling so frustrated over my H saying I was lieing about the EA being a PA and the battle went on for over a year! its true I knew it wasnt and there was no convincing him of the truth so quit trying to convince him!
I guess I am just so caught up in trying to work things out because I really want out so bad sometimes but I remind myself we can work together and make things good if we try and I just feel it my responsibility to try being we have children. Knowing when to quit has always been a problem for me so there is a behavior for me to work on!!! accept what I can not change! learn the wisdom to know what I cant!
okay so here is how I handled my H yesterday. I cleaned the house all day and just really didnt talk to him unless I had to. I put him in charge of the kids when he finally got out of bed!!!! I my 7 yo really wanted to help me clean so I gave her jobs while we worked and talked together it was fun and ofcourse we took breaks to make and color little paper kites and play barbies. I was not going to stop to do those things but she wanted to so bad and my mom never played with me at all so I thought whats a few minutes here and there. It worked in fine and meant the world to her, and me too.
so last night I decided to check in and I read Micheles post. I was reading it for the 3rd time when my H walked in and said "Iknow I messed up really really bad last night. I am sorry and I didnt know what to do today, I thought you wouldnt wnat to even look at me so I tried to not bother you and I made a nice dinner for everyone"
okay I was thinking all about how in the world I was going to pull the 180 and react the way he usually reacts when I apologize for somehting. I had been thinking about everyhting all day. I was going over in my mind all the advice I have heard from everyone here and trying to figure out how was going to handle things that would get the best results. I thought about what Michele said in the above quote how things are interpreted have a lot to do with how you are feeling. I thought a lot about the exchanges between slone and I and what I stated I learned from that as far as how my H feels. My heart told me not to react like him it just wasnt right, I cant kick someone when they are down even if its to give a taste of their own medicine. ( It worked for me before when I was at a loss in how to handle his tantrums. he used to acidently spill a plate of food when walking with it then get so mad and yell and cures and feel sorry for himself and walk out leaving the mess for me to clean, it infuriated me and there was no talking to him. So I decided to do the same thing one day. OH was he steamed and really gave me a lecture. The next time he did the same thing I repeated his own lecture to him. and it worked! he recongnized his own words! so I thought this time since he refuses to give me the way to say things to him I would make him give them to me the same way I did last time.)
But after thinking through things all day I decided to handle it diferently. I decided I would NOT becareful to use the "I feel" rather then "you". so I said you hurt me alot, you put me through something I didnt deserve and now you are saying you are sorry and you feel terrible and you are feeling horrible for your failure and for hurting me. So should I now react the way you have to me, should I let your apology fall on deaf ears and go on and on about how you hurt me and how you screwed up. would it solve problems if I start to yell at you now the way you do to me when I am in your place? He said I am really sorry I really messed up bad and I dont know what to do I dont know why I am messing up so bad I dont know ..... I said do you know today I was going to react to you the way you usually do to me I was going to put you through what you put me through so you could learn to stop doing that. But I know what its like to be where you are, I know what it feels like to feel so down and frustrated with your self and to have the person you let down really let you have it. It dosnt help it dosnt fix anything hurting someone who is already feeling miserable will only make them defensive and not hear what you are saying even if its meant to help. I said you twist the things I say doubt my words and feelings and refuse to believe my explainations when I just try to make you understand me. so I am going to let you read my thread so you can see what my thoughts and feelings are and know I am not trying to minipulate you with my words. we read through it together, I know it was hurtful for him to read but I think he could see where I am comming from and I am being honest with him with my feelings.
I read Micheles post out loud to him and at the end where she said dont let him take your soul. I paused on that and said you know, I wonder if I should just stop trying to work things out with you or if I am just losing myself on something hopeless. he said I dont know, I really dont know, I dont know whats wrong with me I dont know why I am screwing up, I know where we are at is because of me I see things going back to where they used to be and I dont want that and I know everything was my fault.
I watched my tone, it wasnt hard I wasnt feeling defensive or mad.
I think it went well there was no fighting no yelling just very calm talking and mostly by me and him listening.
then last night he came to bed really late and he was drunk again but didnt say anything but I love you. I didnt take his drinking last night personally Iknow he is in a lot of pain and I know that he is trying to numb it the WRONG way however thats HIS problem to deal with. I dont know what I am going to do or more like say to him now because he is breaking boundary rules of no drinking at home. He is trying to get away with it by doing it when I am asleep.
Wesse, thank you for words! sorry I have ran out of time I have to get the kids up now for school. then I will be back in full gear to finish taking my house back!
Michele thank you so much!!!! one of my problems is I lack the self confidance in myself to truly know when he is being ilogical, I mean it sounds it to me but then I dont feel certain until my counselor says its completely ilogical what he is saying and I cant win because he has it all mapped out.
