Okay I tried to not come in here this morning and talk about what happend last night. I was trying to have the attitude of today is a new day and I am going to let it go. A big part of that was to not let my emotions get to me and slow me down because I am on a mission and have my schedule and list of goals to accomplish around here. I am trying to employ slones advice of less talk and more action. I just cant stop thinking about it and how to handle it. I hope by just writing it out now will make it stop, it usually does.
heres what happend.
last night H got really drunk, obvioulsy he broke a boundary rule of no drinking here at the house. I waited till I went to sleep, then went out and got booze, I know it was the hard stuff I could smell it and he was very drunk and sluring his words. He woke me up all mad at me because our front doors no longer squeak. He wanted to know who fixed them and why and if I really think I am fooling him. who was here was there a man here etc. I said I dont know anything about the doors, no I didnt fix them, and no no one was here goodnight. (this was at 2 am) he wouldnt quit, kept at me getting angrier and angrier asking the same questions over and over and saying the same things getting louder. I said I am not listening to this anylonger I am going to go sleep downstairs. I went downstairs and tried to fall asleep. he followed me and kept at me and would not leave me alone. I promised him I knew nothing of the front doors. He said obviously someone fixed them and he wants to know why! I tried just ignoring him as to not engage hopeing he would just give up and pass out but when I ignored him he escalated. finally he did pass out. I was laying there with those awful feelings comming back from how things were before. I kept telling myself he is just drunk dont listen to him just like I used to. However I cant help but wonder if the things he was saying were feelings he is holding in.
Now what I am thinking about today is... should I try some sort of 180? I always forgive him and drop it, I dont keep at him. I would think by now he would have learn that behavior from me but he hasnt so I was thinking of giving him a taste of his own medicine and seeing if he learns from it. Not accept his apology let it fall on deaf ears and just keep at him. Oh man I dont know I have the energy to act like that but it would be worth a try if it sinks in.
I was thinking of it because it worked for me here. When I misinterpreted slones posts, I learned how I make my H feel and think I got some understanding about how he is thinking and feeling and perhaps can think of a diferent way of handling things when he misinterprets me. Also I learned how I felt when I was frustrated with a situation I was in and I felt put down when Slone pointed out how much more her and others she knew accomplished...That helped me understand how my H feels when I use an example of how I handle things that I wish he would reciprocate with the same considerations. it makes him feel like I am looking down on him and makes him feel defensive, so I need to state things diferently and not use myself or other people as examples because it makes him feel like I think less of him and more of others. Thats why I was thinking if I reacted to him the way he usually reacts to me then he can feel what I am feeling and perhaps learn a diferent way to handle things?
However I good be wrong, because I dont necessarliy believe in the addage fight fire with fire. Clearly what I am doing is not working so maybe this would grab his attention and make him think. well I supose I could try it and see what happens...
chris I have been opening up to him a lot and sharing my feelings and asking him for help as far as input and insights and perspectives from his view. so far its really hurting my feelings, because he listens and seems very suportive and understanding and later when he is upset with me he throws at me, and I know I am not misinterpreting this, its pretty obvious. and its bringing me back to wondering about the break me down to come to my rescue thing. just thoughts. I will keep trying it for a couple weeks to see if there is a change, I guess I need that armour you have. okay I feel better, I feel calm inside now. I am also going to really try and not come back until my house work is done! thanks slone
Sue
Slone thanks again, and yes I know you are trying to help, I dont think you would waste your time and energy posting here if you had ulterior motives. I have a friend who used to be very frank and speak her mind as she put it and anyone who didnt like well thats just too bad thats who she was and she wasnt changing for anyone. I cared for her but she drove me crazy! she didnt understand things I was dealing with and had surface answers to problems. My H said either accept her for who she is or stop being friends with her. so I did I just accepted that was the way she was. I learned about her, you couldnt speak to her the way she spoke to others, she would get her feelings hurt and become very defensive. so I communicated with her in a gentle and understanding way and she changed and became the same way. She couldnt understand before what everyone elses problems were and now she looks back and is thrilled with her changes. She has learned to be direct and speak her mind and phrase things in a more carring and suportive way. I hoped my H could learn by role modeling as well but its not working. so now I am having to learn to change the way I comunicate with him and I am just having a really hard time figureing out how, he is another one who cant take what he dishes out and yet sees no reason to change how he dishes things out.
