I hear what you are saying. I always had an impecable imaculate house and EVERYTHING in my life was organized to a T. Its not that I dont know how and need to make excuses being I have been there. Life was worse then than it is now!
yes I do on some days spend a lot of time on line, no I dont sit here the whole day. I work on things and then pop in here and go back and work more etc. On the times I have been here a lot in the day is when I have been so upset with things going on I turn here and feel like screw everything else. I end up getting the suport and advice I need to get back on track.
When I used to kill myself keeping everything perfect I negelected myself (not my appearance, my inner self) and catered to everyone elses needs. I started from 5 in the morning and went non stop until 11 at night. I didnt sit down I even only used the bathroom 1 time when I woke up and 1 time before going to sleep. I ate my meals as I worked. I took care of everything the only thing my H did was go to work. after years of this wore my self down and with the abuse of my H I mentally wore down and fell into depression, do you know whats it like to suffer from depression?
I have a cousin who is much like me has a large home and 3 kids and keeps everything imaculate she says she sees the diference in our h's and the way we are treated and says she knows thats the problem. she went into more detail but I dont think its really necessary if you have followed my posts you know what my life has been like.
working on yourself is very important. I put a lot of energy into working on myself and tyring to change a lot of learned behaviors. I also learned a lot from this site that I just didnt understand before that helped me to understand my H more and myself. I think now I am actually in more of a "normal" place of problems and issues. I have been trying to cut back on my time here and only come here for a while in the mornings before my kids wake up and thats it. It seems as soon as I decided that, people were asking for my help and I have a hard time refusing to help people when I know how much they are hurting and I know I can offer insight from when I was there.
Since you have kids you should know there is never a time when the work is done. I have a friend who used to come over at 11 in the morning just finished cleaning her house that was much smaller then mine and 1 child, say you are not done yet. she would hang out and watch me go all day and just figure there must be something wrong with my system. Well now she has 3 kids and she calls me saying oh my gosh I cant believe you didnt used to ring my neck! I now know what you were going through and I dont even have it as bad because my oldest is 6 years older. Mine are all close in age and I had 2 in diapers for a long time! the first 2 then just one for alittle while when I was pregnant with the third and then the middle one and the 3rd one. And she now knows what its like to be cleaning all day and having the kids going behind her undoing all she does as she goes. thats why its never done.
Many would ask me how I do it? so many would say I couldnt do it. Its not just the house and the kids its how incredibly disruptive an abusive alcholic can be in your life. I would reply you just DO it, you have to you dont have a choice. So believe me I know what you are saying.
I must admit to you, I know you are trying to help with constructive critism and I do agree with you. However I have read some of your posts, the first one being to Tina, and I do think what could be helpful is to maybe take some of the unecessary attitude out. It was reflective in Tinas reply to you going further into detail then you had take back much of what you said. I was quite impressed with her for not letting you have it, but that really dosnt solve anything, and I hoped you might have learned from that situation. I guess it reminds me of those people who have no idea what it is to walk in your shoes but tell you how it is. Yes its posible to be superwoman for awhile and it certainly sounds like you have done it. I think thats great you manage to do all you do and I commend you. when you are looking down at others saying well hey I did all this and I did it, perhaps there is more to take into consideration.
I hope you dont ever have to do it all while fearing for your life and being woken up and thrown around and punched in the legs for refusing to have sex, have a gun at your head when you say you are going to leave, and being discustingly sexually assaulted on a nightly basis, being choked to the point of starting to black out for saying a comment your H didnt like. I existed years like that and it broke me down. the last year and half has been much better in comparison but still incredibly dificult while trying to recover and learn tools in dealing with his behaviors. I am not trying to get your pitty I dont want it. for a long time I kept my life private for a big part of not wanting anyone feeling sorry for me or having to watch what they say around me or just feel bad. I guess what I am trying to get you to understand is, some people go through a lot and it takes time to recover and heal and they have a really hard time being perfect during that time of getting back on track, and they have to finaly put themselves first to get themselves back before they can take care of everyone else you must take care of yourself first so you can. Maybe you can keep that in mind as you help others at this site. Because most people that are here have been through plenty and arent working on 100%.
I chose to let my house be the sacrafice being I still give 100% of myself to my kids. I tried to go out of my way to take care of my H, and help him with his insecurities and fill his needs so he could stop being so emotioanly abusive and this has worn me down. Yes I should have left a long time ago! my mind was not thinking very clearly I was trying to do the best I could for my children and having grown up with pretty much no parents around I wanted to give my kids both parents, I thought I was sacraficing myself for the benefit of the kids. I was wrong. There is so much I just didnt know and am still learning. So yes I did put a lot into this site to help the people going through a hard time to understand and in return I got a lot from it, but now it is interferring with where my life is now and thats why I have said I am cutting down and trying to just work with my thread. I realized this has become an escape for me when I am hurting, I also realized I am not totally over the past as much as I try to keep "acting as if" I am. I am getting somewhere with the help I am getting here.
well there now I have already spent more time then I wanted to and my goal is to get caught up this weekend by pulling the old go day and night till its done and here I am not just "doing" it!
I hope you didnt mind my constructive critsim, because I didnt mean to be offensive either.
I do apreciate you spending the time to point out some things that could improve some of the problems I face.
