Ok, now that I think I have myself clarified (see my stragler post to your old thread), I think I may have some insight to determining your needs.
I am going to go out on a limb here and assume that your having problems defining your needs, because your definitions have no meaning. To illustrate what I mean look at the following examples.
I want to be happy. I want to feel wanted. I want to feel appreciated. I want to be satisfied.
Is that the kind of answers you are comming up with? If so, that is your problem and it is a sticking point for a huge number of people. The above 'needs' have no substance, no 'meat'. They are just 'fat' or 'fillers'.
What I mean by that is that the words 'happy', 'satisfied' etc are subjective, they have no 'formal' meaning. Everyones perception of those terms differ and therefor if you state your goals in that sence, you are selling yourself short.
You need to break needs/desires down further and that is where many people get stuck. "how can I break it down farther, I want to be happy, how hard is that to understand" many may reply. Well, what I am getting at is the state of happiness need to be clearly defined. I cant ask you what makes you happy becuase the meaning of happy can vary from minute to minute. Instead be very specific and define what happy is. You need to ask yourself how happy feels, what it looks like and what it sounds like, and in addition, you need to put things things in terms you have control over which can be very hard to do since we often think others have a huge affect on our happiness. We need to create an achievable outcome under our control.
Here is another way to look at goals that seem out of your control. Lets say one of the things you look to accomplish is to change your husband, so he is not always late. You are tired of appologizing to hosts and having to sit in the front row at the movies for arriving late. If you could magically change him this instant so he was no longer late, what would that do for you? How does this change the way about your evening now that you are no longer late? ARe you more relaxed, smile more, softer less iritated voice? What his change in behaviour has done is change your attitude and your mood. You would be feeling the way you want to feel. The above exapmle is not feasable of course since you cant change your H, but there is still a lot you can do. You start by changing the desired outcome of one where you change your husband (since you cant) to something under your control such as the goal of feeling more relaxed and calm when you go out with your husband. Now simply think of ways to achive that goal since you actually have control over it.
The above stuff is the kind of thing I find very lacking in all of the relationship books I have read. Defining your needs and change is very specific and the process to do so, control yourself and propel yourself to your goals after identifying them is scarcley touched upon. That is one of the main reasons I have delved into psychology and various self help studies, they complete the tool kit for reconciliation and success in life.
Have you ever heard of the saying, "give a man a fish he eats for a day, teach a man to fish he eats for a lifetime"?
Well, when we 1st came here we were looking for someone to give us a fish. We have since learned to fish and are eating, but there is more too it. Our fishing poles, lines and hooks will not last forever. We still need to learn to make those things so we can continue fishing and feeding ourselves for a lifetime.
Anyways, I hope that was easy enough to understand
Ayg the Zealot.
Zyg the Zealot.
Your goal is your dream, your outcome moves you toward it.
