Hi all! I just wanted to let you know that I am OK, but not great. Having some problems with the trust issues still, and the vulnerability I feel over not having a job. Lately I have found myself spewing off anger and picking fights with h, as well as making snide remarks to the ow, as I feel I have had to run into her way too frequently lately.
On the problem-solving end, I did suggest to h that we meet for lunch at a different entrance to his plant, to minimize the opportunities of me having to see her, her car, her kids, whatever. Every time I see her or her stuff, it brings it all back like a freshly opened wound It's kinda been driving me nuts, and I get nothing verbal, and no understanding or compassion from him on why I feel so strongly. He doesn't have a clue about my pain or anger or fears and I think it's because acknowleging them gives him more guilt and shame than he can deal with. His replies to my fears are things like, "I'm still here, aren't I?" and "I'm just not ready to recommit until it's MY idea." Whatever. I'm tired of all this and the blank stares that I still get. I worry all the time that his mind will take another powder, to the detriment of our family.
In any case, I am feeling like I am coming apart at the seams. I do not want ask him to leave again, as my deadline still has 4 more months til "final exams" for h. I also don't want to put the daughter through any more of the misery of daddy being in, out, then in again, then out again, etc...
So, I am going to take a break for a couple weeks and am leaving town to visit friends and family in the southeast. Today, I made some wise moves financially, to protect myself, and I now feel less vulnerable, but still need a change of scenery to do some really deep thinking and clear my head of all the murkiness that it's full of right now.
H is supportive of me taking some time away to "get a grip". Hopefully, it's not to get me tucked away, conveniently out of town so he can play around without worrying. However, this town and his company are small enough, that if it happens while I am gone, I will hear about it for sure, and "final exams will be forfeited, in favor of taking an incomplete on the course." I just cannot do this forever, and I have vowed not to go through this again, ever.
So, if you all don't hear from me for a while, don't worry about me, but please do continue to keep me in your prayers, and I will do the same for you. I'll return sometime in early February. Or if I can connect during my wanderings, I may hop on line to say hi to all of you. Until then, take care, all of you. I'll miss you. GG
