thanks for your advice. I printed it out with others you have posted. I think I did some good DBing last night. Even GG agreed. We had some problems with #3 today and I had to call H...he said we would talk later. I told him I was going to the Y. He came there too after I did. We chatted for a moment. He said he would call #3 from our house. I said pick up dinner. He said he would call when he was done. He never called but showed up with KFC (I hate KFC but smiled as I ate it). As we sat down, H said, 'don't get any wrong ideas that I stopped by tonight with dinner because I am coming home.' I wish I had read you post before We did talk about the relationship as he brought it up...bottom line, I promised not to write him any more letters (they get repetitive...) and he said he would think about solutions and moving into the guest room (he won't...but it sounded nice) since he wants to move to a one bedroom (he is cramped in efficiency) but financially it is a strain (two weddings, two in college) and he said he would think. Who knows if he meant it or was placating me. Anyway...I will heed your advice. He left after one hour. Called later to ask if I had gooten in touch with #3. I said yes and so he said he was calling him. He called me back when he was done. We chatted. I told him he handled it great. He said he would call me in a.m. and probably would see me tomorrow. I am dying here...we have a long weekend ahead and I could visit my folks but would rather see him if he wants. I know IT HAS TO COME FROM HIM as he says...but he is so set in his ideas. I guess I am very scared...and I told him I miss him...(especially the sex part) and this is the time to build a relationship and not walk out on it. He had said he hated the bickering, the nagging and yelling at the kids. I agreed...saying it isn't like that. That if he spent more time here he would see. I am not sure about OW...I think it is an emotional thing...he doesn't look horny...wives can tell about these things...so maybe it is more...if only he would open the door of hop a crack instead of making me feel like it is padlocked...I guess if it was, he wouldn't stop by at all even with the comment, 'don't get any ideas.'
My kids want him out of my life...last time they were supportive of the US...now it is just of me....#3 says he doesn't want his dad around me....#1 isn't inviting him to her wedding...#4 does feel comfortable with him...#2 is mad. And this old mom wants to try, try, try.
Keep that advice coming.
ronnie
ps: what does it mean at the end of a posting that the message has been edited.
ps: Do you recommend I order the 'keeping love alive' tapes
Ronnie I will let you know about the tapes after I have heard them OK. I'm sure they are good, afterall they are Michele's. I am also sure your H is not ready for them yet. I will let you know what my H thinks about them after we listen to them together.
I had ordered some tapes (not Michelle's) from an infomercial about putting the romance back into your marriage. I introduced them to my H very soon after the discovery and involuntary ending of his affair. One of the suggestions was a week long vacation without children. He was LESS THAN ENTHUSIASTIC. In fact, he was shocked and appalled that I would even think to approach him with the relatively harmless ideas from the tapes. I now know that he was deep into withdrawal.
Because of the hurt brought about by his reaction, I later could not bring myself to bring them out again.
RM, like JW, I think you should be very cautious about involving H in the tapes.
Try to stick to becoming a strong, self-motivated and all around good person. I think that will be very attractive to him.
JW, it's good to see you posting again. I hope the holidays went relatively well for you and your family.
Thanks again. I think you guys are better than therapy. I am still looking for SBT person. Have one more lead.
H called this morning. when we talked last night I asked him since I have been oversleeping and am fighting a cold. He said he would be busy today and would call later. I said great. he has to take care of something for our neighbors who are away for the winter and he asked me to leave him a note explaining everything. Along with the note, I told him I hoped he had a good day off. That he worked hard and we appreciated it. that i hoped he would rethink moving to a bigger place (he is in an efficiency) due to finances...and taking JW's advice, said, I love you..have a great day. We will see if he calls. I feel like I get no support from my kids or anyone here. Can't find anyone who has been separated and then back together. The single women I know are not real positive. One teacher at school said 'we learn to survive.' But I don't want to survive the rest of my life...I want to be living a good and happy life..hopefully with my H...but he is so stubborn and closeminded. He has always been stubborn but never close minded about anything....I am scared. But, I didn't cry last night and that was good. Sometimes I think it is sad that I think working out our marriage will be the answer to things...but I know it will be. He said he was lonely...but I know he has friends. usually on tuesday he goes out since it is his day off...so i am prepared if he doesn't call...i just want a chance to show him what he is missing...but his attitude is like last night when he brought dinner over...'don't think because i am bringing dinner here i am coming home.' my hopeful heart says to hang on to that action since he didn't have to...he could have called to discuss the problem with #3...why aren't there answers to this mess.
I know my H will not listen to tapes. he won't even go to counseling....and when he says he has tried, i have to ask him how...i can't remember him saying, let's change this or do that...he just retreats into his cave and that is trying....
Hi all! I just wanted to let you know that I am OK, but not great. Having some problems with the trust issues still, and the vulnerability I feel over not having a job. Lately I have found myself spewing off anger and picking fights with h, as well as making snide remarks to the ow, as I feel I have had to run into her way too frequently lately.
On the problem-solving end, I did suggest to h that we meet for lunch at a different entrance to his plant, to minimize the opportunities of me having to see her, her car, her kids, whatever. Every time I see her or her stuff, it brings it all back like a freshly opened wound It's kinda been driving me nuts, and I get nothing verbal, and no understanding or compassion from him on why I feel so strongly. He doesn't have a clue about my pain or anger or fears and I think it's because acknowleging them gives him more guilt and shame than he can deal with. His replies to my fears are things like, "I'm still here, aren't I?" and "I'm just not ready to recommit until it's MY idea." Whatever. I'm tired of all this and the blank stares that I still get. I worry all the time that his mind will take another powder, to the detriment of our family.
In any case, I am feeling like I am coming apart at the seams. I do not want ask him to leave again, as my deadline still has 4 more months til "final exams" for h. I also don't want to put the daughter through any more of the misery of daddy being in, out, then in again, then out again, etc...
So, I am going to take a break for a couple weeks and am leaving town to visit friends and family in the southeast. Today, I made some wise moves financially, to protect myself, and I now feel less vulnerable, but still need a change of scenery to do some really deep thinking and clear my head of all the murkiness that it's full of right now.
H is supportive of me taking some time away to "get a grip". Hopefully, it's not to get me tucked away, conveniently out of town so he can play around without worrying. However, this town and his company are small enough, that if it happens while I am gone, I will hear about it for sure, and "final exams will be forfeited, in favor of taking an incomplete on the course." I just cannot do this forever, and I have vowed not to go through this again, ever.
So, if you all don't hear from me for a while, don't worry about me, but please do continue to keep me in your prayers, and I will do the same for you. I'll return sometime in early February. Or if I can connect during my wanderings, I may hop on line to say hi to all of you. Until then, take care, all of you. I'll miss you. GG
Johnswife, HI!! How you two doing? Haven't heard a lick from ya in a while I hope the hubby's Heart is doing fine and you are finally geting honest answrs to your medical questions.
Could I request you visit me in my new lcation on the Surviving the Big D board? Big things going on with us now I need all the cheering I can get. I have my own thread there and have posted on all the other ones there too so reading 'em all should bring ya up to speed.
GG, I am glad to hear that you are taking care of yourself. I am certainly going to miss your posts for awhile because your situation in many ways so parallels mine awhile back.
I continue to have painful feelings similiar to yours when I see ow although I feel that she generally tries to be a nicer person than the ow in your situation. I think that some of my discomfort is that she makes me feel so terribly inadequate because her strengths are in areas where I have weakness. The fact that she has weaknesses where I am strong doesn't seem to help my feelings. Whatever.... I can't seem to verbalize the effect, but in any event in that way our situations are different.
I truly hope that your H will come around and honor his marital commitment ant that in the interim so much hurt is not inflicted that you cannot fully recover. Perhaps removing yourself for a short while will give you renewed strength and energy to deal with your marriage. Dr. Harley at marriagebuilders.com recommends total withdrawal as plan b when plan a of dbing does not result in the ending of all contacts between spouse and op.
I wish there were more threads and postings dealing with how to deal with the post reconciliation feelings of insecurity and bitterness that sometimes overwhelm us. I am so glad that my H got past his involvement with an op, but I do understand well that the injury does not end just because the affair is over. I am truly sorry that your H is being so slow to realize the need for him to recommit to you. Take some time and focus on yourself. I hope that your absence will "make his heart grow fonder." You have shown incredible patience and strength, and are due for some relief! Keep us posted if you can. We really care about you here!
JW, Hi! haven't heard from you in a while. I hope you are well.
Wesse, You have mirrored my sentiments exactly. I am so glad to hear that someone understands what I am feeling. I was thinking I was losing my mind! I still might be, but in any case, I do feel the need for a total break. Someplace safe where I can get my head together, and get some strength back for the road ahead.
H and I talked about it in depth the other day after one of my outbursts. I also mentioned to him that my trip would be good for him, too. He asked "How will your leaving be good for me?" I said, "Because I need to work on my trust issues, and leaving will show you that I trust you to be OK in my absence". He nodded and said he understood. He knows I have to do this. I need to prove to myself that I can be away from home and be OK, and have him be OK. He needs to see that I can be OK, too.
If I get a job soon, in my field (which I am hoping like crazy happens for me,) there's a real good chance that it will involve travel due to the nature of my job. So, I will need to be able to be "OK" and stay focused on my job, which I won't be able to do if I am constantly worried about h's whereabouts while I'm away. So, in many ways, it's mostly a test for me.
I am not leaving til next week, but I have a gazillion things to wrap up before I take off so, I wanted to mention it ahead of time in case I don't get to post much. Also, I was hoping to get a little feedback, and you came through for me! Thank you!
