Hi Ronnie hope you are hanging onto your PMA. It is sooo important.
I also made the decision that I would not file for a divorce. When the subject came up I told H that after 30 years or marriage I wanted to take it slow and think everything through. I told him that after we were separated for one year I would talk about a divorce with him but not until then. I reminded him that this whole idea was new to me even if he had been thinking about it for a couple of years. I explained that I needed time to catch up to where he was and he said he understood. Because I wasn't fighting him and by telling him all the time we could work it out he felt comfortable with my response I guess. I do have some thoughts for you.
It is wonderful that your H comes over to do his laundry. Whatever the reason is you want him to feel comfortable being at home. So what you have to do is be the happy PMA person you are trying to be when he is there. Even if you have to fake it thats OK. DO NOT start any talk about working it out or wanting to reconcile. Be happy and go about doing something around the house. I worked my buns off cleaning places that needed attention that I had put off doing. Show him that accomplishing these things makes you feel good. If he brings up the subject of your relationship, just listen. Ignore any of that "nothing is going to make a difference" crap he says. If he brings up the subject and acts as though he wants to get on with the divorce tell him you are reading and trying to learn all you can right now and need some time to figure some things out. Tell him that you love him and that his happiness is what is important to you right now and that you will do everything you can to make this as easy on both of you and your children as possible but that means taking your time and figuring things out as you go and then drop it. Let him read the paper or whatever. Ask him if he would like something to eat or drink and fix it for him if he wants it. Serve it to him and then leave him alone and go do something around the house. Work on a project you have put off for awhile. I cleaned a lot of places I had put off for a long time. My H noticed. Just be his friend and don't even bring up fixing the relationship and don't sit there with him. I did that for a couple of weeks and H felt smothered. H was right I was smothering him and it was not helping.
What you want to do is make it real comfortable for him to come home for any reason. Let him see that when he comes by to do his laundry or anything else that he will find you happily working on something and DO NOT put any pressure on him by trying to fix the realationship.
Another important thing I learned was that our H's are going to want to be with whoever it is that makes them feel good about themselves. When you have the opportunity compliment your H about something that he is good at that you admire. You must be sincere about the compliment because if you are not being honest and sincere he will know it and will interpret it as you trying to manipulate him and it will push him away. But think about it everyone wants to feel good about themselves.
One of the reasons I have not been here much is because I feel bad complaining about anything when I know how much pain you and others are still enduring. I will be working on this marriage for a long time because one thing I learned in all my reading is that I derserve a better husband than the one I have had too. If I can work this hard to try to be the kind of wife that meets all of his needs then I feel he can learn to meet my needs also. My H has never been one to talk much about emotional things or do the little romantic things all of us women love. I am going to try to teach him these things. He won't read the books so it makes it a little harder. The good thing is he is willing to stay in therapy so we have our second joint session tomorrow. I want to work on communication issues and meeting each others needs so we will see what happens.
I know this is long but I don't mind reading long posts and I don't think you do either. I will be trying to think of other things to tell you that might help. I will come back here tomorrow night and see if I can help. KEEP WORKING ON THE PMA
[This message has been edited by Johnswife (edited 01-10-2000).]
