JW: I know you are busy DBing all the time and don't visit this board much. But GG suggested I write to you (and if you want to exchange regular e-mail addresses that would be fine...I know we can do that through the DB main web site) since I need a push. I decided I am not filing...it will be up to him...I also decided to detach...but it is hard. H makes it clear to his cousin (my friend) and the children, he is not coming back. Yet today, after I returned from bringing #4 to meet his ride to return to college, H was here doing his wash and reading the paper. He could do his laundry in the basement where he lives but he comes here. I don't care...it is his house...he pays the bills...but why does he do this. He says he wants to be friends but he will not do things with me. He had a tough few weeks at work, the boys (the two youngest home from college) did not want to see him. I stayed away the entire holiday week since I knew I would not go out with him on new years and that hurt...and he was upset that #4 would not see him before he left. I keep hanging in there hoping this is MLC and H will see the light. But he says what has driven him away is our bickering, my nagging and being on the kids to do things, plus my desire to get my own way about foolish things (ie tv in bedroom at an angle and not at the foot of his bed.) He is right and I have told him that..but his complaints are all able to find solutions in my book. He says (to his cousin since he uses her as a go between...he doesn't say things to me...) he has been struggling for a long time...well then why did he move us here four years ago this week on a promise to work on this marriage forever. He refuses to go to therapy...but if I find an SBT (called one and she is to call me back or I will try again tomorrow) person maybe that will help. He read "Grow Up" and thought it was anti-divorce and biased in that area...sure it was...he said we would talk about the book but he has not brought it up and I am afraid to.
My plea to you is HOW did you do this. What tactics...I read and reread DB all the time and am trying but with no sign of any success. I feel so alone since both boys left...and abandoned...like in my childhood when my parents would be busy working (they worked with children and my sister and I alwasy felt they spent more time with all these other kids and not us...too involved to get into...but I have forgiven them...hey I am old enough at 54)...and empty...
I know I am going around in circles...but GG said you would be a good source of encouragement. I read and reread this thread to remind myself it is possible but is four months and although he is nice to me he still says he is not coming back and I am in denial about it...that I don't hear what he says because I don't want to. True I guess. I feel foolish crying and feeling so sad...and alone. No real friends here...many people I thought were friends think this is catching and I have chosen to distance myself from people. If they have not 'been there and done that' they really don not understand. It would be great to find someone close who has DB successfully....I should check on the web site...that might help.
