Happy New Years to all of my DBing friends. Hope you all have a happy and safe New Years celebration. We will be staying home, babysitting our new grandson, and watching the rest of the world celebrate the event on TV.
Ronmom it is not time to talk to your H about "what went wrong". Let him work it out with a therapist. He doesn't know what went wrong yet. Also even if he files that does not mean their is no hope. Lots of people file and never complete the process but in a strange way the act of filing may allow him to relax a little improving his thought process. Many of our H's at this stage (at least mine for sure) seemed to be almost scared or panicked that something may go wrong and they wanted out fast. What worked with my H is that I told him after 30 years of marriage I did not want to even discuss divorce details until after we had been seperated for one year. I didn't think that was too much to ask and he agreed to go along with that. This let him know that I had accepted his plan for leaving and would work with him making the split as easy as possible on everyone. He continued seeing the therapist every two weeks while we planned on his moving out in January. I didn't bring up the subject of the relationship and kept DBing my buns off. It took a couple of months to see even the baby steps of improvement. H's don't want to give us any reason to hope so they hold back until they are sure they want to stay married. Also keep in mind a stat I heard that 18% of weddings are between people who were divorced and are getting remarried. So never give up until you are ready to give up.
GG I've been thinking about you and the similarities in our situations. I hope the year 2000 is a good one for both of our marriages. Things are goings well enough here. H is back to holding my hand once in a while and when I stare off into space he pats my hand or something. I tell myself this is one of the 5 languages of love right. His way of saying I Love You. He still is not trying to do the little things that we women like even after I let him know I want him to do these things. So this morning if the florist is open I think I will go buy myself some flowers. This will get a response out of him. Maybe at least it will open up the subject for us to talk about what we want from each other. I am determined that if I can change he can too and I will keep trying to make this marriage the kind that will make us both happy.
Sorry for getting on the soapbox there but darn it I have worked hard and I want something back for all that work. I want my husband to show me he loves me in many different ways. I know that may sound selfish to those of you who so far have not gotten your spouses to work on your marriages. But do you really want the same person back or do you want them back better than before.
Its like if I can put little "I Love You" notes in his lunch bags and other little things he can learn to do these things for me too. I have learned patience and persistance from you folks and these tools will help me improve my relationship. How's that for PMA. I love you all, talk to you later.
[This message has been edited by Johnswife (edited 12-31-1999).]
