Hi All! I promised you I'd fill you in on my major backslide of yesterday and the h's commit status as well. Oh yeah, and there's the deadline thing too....
Well, first, over the weekend I talked to him about where are we going, final Ret follow up was completed and they have monthly meetings now if you wish to attend. I do, he doesn't. Well, I told him, OK, but we still need something to keep us going in the right direction. We decided on joint counseling. And he will continue his individual sessions, I will go on as needed basis.
Well, I also asked him how long it was going to take for him to make up his mind whether or not he was staying. And he said, "I guess I'm staying." It didn't sound real definite to me and it sounded more like a resignation. I asked him what he meant by that. We talked a little about his hesitancy to recommit and he blamed it on his fear of falling for the next opportunity. I told him I wasn't afraid of that as I think he learned a lot about himself through this extramarital activity. But, that I was worried that if the OW wanted to have a go at him again, he might not "just say no." He said he was thinking about that too. I told him "Well, I'm not you, so I can't tell you what you should do, but I can tell you that if it were me in that situation, I would try to look at her through the eyes of the spouse and the eyes of my children, and remember the pain it all caused everyone last time." He nodded his head in somewhat of an agreement. I told him I knew he could be strong and "just say no." So, we will see. A good friend of mine tells me to continue "acting as if." I think that is the best advice in times like these.
Got an email from Jenny Baker. She is busy, and she does follow the posts. One of these days, she'll surface again. So, don't worry about her, but keep up your prayers. She didn't get into detail but stated that her situation is in a similar place as mine.
Now, as for the backslide....I went to pick up the h at work for lunch. I got there later than usual. Anyway, as we walked out of his building, i reached for his hand and he moved it to my back to pick lint off my sweater. Not bad in itself, except that I spotted the ho coming back into the building and I felt like he was treating me like a kid and not wanting to hold my hand in front of her. Yeah, I got a very wounded feeling and recoiled from him. I told him I didn't need him to de-lint my sweater, but I needed him to hold my hand. He said I was hateful and was angry. I told him why and he said he never saw XXXXX walking into the building.
I apologized about 4 times and he was still tense and angry. During lunch I told him all I wanted was for him to tell me I look nice and take my hand. I said, "Let's start over, please, take my hand and tell me I look nice, OK? He did, and he smiled and said he was sorry, too that I was feeling like a wounded animal on the attack. I didn't mean to come off as hateful, but I was very hurt. When I realized that he didn't even know she was there, I realized I overreacted and felt overwhelmed by all this. When am I going to feel normal again? When is this going to go away? Will it ever? How am I going to get through the company winter party next week with her there, if I still feel like this 6 months after the end of their affair? But I need to go to that party. Everyone needs to see us together, happy and having fun. That will put an end to the rumors, and hopefully send her a message as well.
I learned that he wants to live happily in his state of amnesia as he forgets what he has done to contribute to my mistrust and panic.
As for the deadline, I didn't tell him. I'm still keeping it in my head, but it looks more like a back up plan B at this point. I am still hopeful that he's really staying and wants to. So, I remain, cautiously optimistic. Talk to you all later, GG
Hi all. It has been a few days since I posted and I feel a need to tell you what is happening and let you help me with it.
H and I had house guest for the weekend so didn't have much alone time together. I am afraid that I got frustrated over the weekend and snapped at him twice when I really shouldn't have. I was frustrated because I do most of the work around here and expected him to jump in and help a little more than he did. Anyway this situation led to us having a little talk tonight that I think was good for us.
He asked me if I thought I could try to stop with the snapping remarks and I told him I would try to eliminate them forever but I wanted him to understand that even though he has said he is staying home and he loves me I still have lots of stuff going through my mind and I do not feel he is comfortable if I ask to many questions and this leads to frustration. Told him I am going to try to be patient and that I realize he needs a little time and space right now. We talked a little and what I learned is that OW no longer lives with her husband at home. OW is not happy that H is finding happiness at home these days. H states he has done all but come right out and tell her that it is over. He said OW pages him but he does not return her pages and has not spoken to her is about 10 days. My H doesn't like confrontations so he is hoping she just gets the message and leaves him alone I guess.
I explained to H that I felt he should tell me whenever he has any contact with OW. He agreed to do this understanding that I needed the openess from him so I could trust that he is telling me the truth. Then H says he now realizes that he never should have done what he did to me. The whole affair was a mistake. That made me feel a little better. It was almost like he was saying he is sorry for what he has done.
I told H that I never want to go back to the old marriage that we had and I knew he didn't either. I explained to him that what I am trying to do is build a whole new relationship with him and that it is going to take time. Also told him that it is going to take effort on both our parts and that it is important to me that we both find happiness and have our needs met in this new relationship of ours. H agreed.
So we have began to talk about what happened. One step at a time and one day at a time. Any advice out there?
I want to tell you that I think that what you're doing is great. I do have some small criticism to level at you, based on your last post. Forgive me if I've gotten it wrong. I detect a lack of enthusiasm on your part regarding your talk with your H. If my ex said those things to me, I'd be jumping up and down and cheering. He agrees to let you know when the OW tries to contact him? This is excellent - how many straying spouses agree to this? And his comment about how he shouldn't have done what he did, and how it was a mistake. That sounds to me like it IS an apology! What more should he say? Apologizing is very hard, and the worse the thing is that you've done, the harder it is to apologize.
I guess I'm saying you should count your blessings at this point, and don't let your disappointment that things haven't progressed further take over. You need to reward your H for coming this far. Give him lots of positive feedback.
That's how your post struck me - I could have read it wrong.
JW: Awesome!!!! I think having him say that was quite a coup for you. I would love it if my h would so much as acknowlege any wrongdoing or even a half-assed apology for what he's put our family through, but I know that isn't going to happen.
I have no advice to you. You are doing great! Keep up the communication. Having him talk to you is such a good thing! And having him tell you when he has contact with OW is great. My h has always said he'd do that, but never has actually told me about any contact, even though others have, and I know he sees her in some of their dept meetings, and other work related functions.
Have I told you today how proud of you I am? You are doing so well that pretty soon we will all be asking you for advice on how to remodel a marriage from the ground floor, up. Take care! GG
Jane of course you are right. It was not really a lack of enthusiasm you picked up on but that I was exhausted and still recovering from major oral surgery of just a week ago. My guests went home yesterday at about 6pm and H and I had a good evening together. We were both glad to have our quiet time together back. Its feels wonderful that H and I are both enjoying these quiet times just being together and enjoying being nice to each other. It is a great beginning to what I know will be a wonderful future to look forward too where both of our dreams can come true.
I realized yesterday that I need to practice more patience where H is concerned as far as him learning to open up to me. Years ago I used to brag to friends that my H was my best friend and he was. I want to again feel like I can talk to him about anything and I want him to feel the same openess with me. This will take some time but I feel we are healing at a fast rate and we will get there. I am grateful for what we have now.
GG I hope things are going well for you. I keep hoping that all of us DBers will find some times of great joy together with our families during these holidays. I know when Christmas comes I will be thinking of you together with your H and your children and wishing you the very best. It just doesn't get much better than that does it.
Guess what? My H is showing enthusiasm for this Christmas. Many years in the past we haven't been able to get each other something nice for Christmas. Well we are splurging a little this year and he is showing a keen interest for the first time ever in what I would like for Christmas. He is going to take our daughter shopping with him this week to help him out. (so I have been slipping suggestions to her).
I remember just a few months ago when I read on here about someone's H doing everything they could to please the wife after having an affair. At that time I could only dream of maybe being in that spot someday. Also at that time I was DBing my butt off and waiting on H hand and foot. Gosh this sure feels good to have him trying to please me and I am going to enjoy it. That might have sounded a little selfish but I am not a selfish person just a wife that has always needed more attention from my H and after 30 years it feels good to have him showing me he loves me in his words and actions.
Michele this Divorce Busting is good stuff. Maybe you should write a book. Laugh out Loud folks.
Greetings all from sunny California. It has been unusually warm here this week.
An update on my relationship with H is that we are taking little steps together. H has not had any contact with OW in two weeks. He told her then that it looked like he would be staying home and working on his marriage. I asked him a few days ago if he was going to tell her it was over or just ignore the situation and hope she just drops out of sight. He said he would tell her before Christmas that it is over and he is not going anywhere. I said OK.
Today our cellular phone bills came in the mail and H watched as I opened them and looked at the calls charged to our phones. He got a bit uncomfortable and asked to see the statement. I handed it to him and walked into the kitchen. He followed me a few minutes later and put his arms around me and said he was sorry. I asked sorry for what? He said for everything and that the next cell phone bill will not have any calls to OW on it. He says the calls stopped at the same time as the cutoff date on this billing cycle.
H has been very sweet and loving to me and does once again say I Love You. So progress is progress and I know this takes time and it will take more time to build the kind of marriage I want. One thing Divorce Busting teaches us is Patience.
I asked him the other day to listen to the first tape in the "Keeping Love Alive" series with me and he didn't feel like it then. So I asked him when he thought would be a good time. He said lets wait until after the holidays. So OK I am thinking he needs the next couple of weeks to really get to the place he needs to be to feel comfortable taking this next step in the healing process.
Another thing I learned from DBing is this rebuilding of our relationship has to happen on H's time table. He has come a long way in the last few months and we are headed in the right direction and that is what is important at this point so my PMA is up
My H like many of yours has always been lousy in the communication department and avoids any kind of conflict. This explains why he has been sending OW all the "its over signals" without actually telling her straight forwardly to get on with her life elsewhere. I understand this and it makes it easier to be patient.
Things are going better than I ever hoped a few months ago. For you newcomers watching this forum topic its like GG said under her new thread here. No matter what kind of crap comes out of your spouses mouth in the beginning you just smile at them and say OK and keep DBing. Stay focused and keep your PMA up. DBing works. (Ronnie are you watching and listening) It aint over till you say its over.
[This message has been edited by Johnswife (edited 12-20-1999).]
Johnswife, I am really happy for you. I am so glad that you have a thread in this forum after dreaming about that possibility. Now it's a reality! And you are an inspiration to others wishing to be in your shoes. you are showing the way.
So keep up your great work and keep us posted. Michele
Johnswife: I know you are on vacation but I wanted to tell you I got the book, Gro Up and read it. I mentioned it to my H and he took it to read. He is half way through but today he said he has a case of vertigo (not good for a surgeon) and does not think he can read tonight...I am hoping when he is done we can talk about the book. He has not gotten to the part about grown up marriages or the chapter against divorce. I am hoping those two will make a deep impression on him since I am losing hope these days. My two youngest children, the boys, had lunch with him yesterday. They are so angry at him for his poor parenting (I don't always agree) and they do not think he is worthy of me and they are not really supportive of me wanting to work on this. They are afraid he will bolt again...and to be honest, so am I...but that is a risk I am willing to take. I have kept your posting from 12/15 with me and am trying to do what you have suggested...I simply fear that he has his mind made up and will not budge.
Where are you in california? we used to live north of LA in what was once a small area, Santa Clarita valley. I don't miss the LA life at all.
Have a wonderful holiday.You are truly a blessing in my life.
Take care! GG
