Thanks guys for posing some excellent questions. It has taken so long to get back to the board because we were out on vacation in Maine for the past week. You know, this was the best vacation I think we have had in years. And WAW agreed, mentioning this a couple times.
Regarding your questions…
X, it might not be fair to say that she hasn’t grown at all. She has – what I guess I am saying is that the core of her issues has not been addressed, yet. She has, and I have noticed even more recently, a desire on her part to move away from being overly critical and accepting some things that simply are not worth wasting time on. That is a change and a positive one. Her fundamental ability to accept that which does not go her way, and/or to forgive, and to project blame, not too much change here. However, I have seen some motion here. She was reading a book called “The Velvetine Principles” on vacation. This is an adaptation of the book “The Velvetine Rabbit” on what it means to “really accept and love oneself – the thought of getting ‘real’” and it might just be the start of something where she starts reconciling things of the past in order to move forward. Did I play a part in her lack of growth – absolutely – and I take responsibility for making her feel abandoned and unimportant. And each day I work to keep that sense of feeling out of her heart and mind.
But fast forward to when the bomb dropped, in the end, I guess the validation I needed was to hear from friends and family how much *I* have changed. I’m centered, balanced, and have a sense of resolve. I have a mission statement – still read every day to which I bounce all my decisions against. However at the same time, I fully recognize that I have control over my *own* happiness and that she continues to be a “preference”. I know, no matter what, I can get up, dust myself off and move forward. I’ve been to the bottom and see no need to go back. Thanks in large part to a CD program suggested by JoeSchmoe and TJ, I have a sense of inner game. I just bought a money clip with the inscription Integrity and Strength.
Don’t be confused though, the WAW is a lifetime preference.
Look, I’m not unshakable and I still have a lot that I need to work on and towards. OLD habits die hard. But I think that once we move from a position of “need” and go after the things we want, it becomes does become a little easier. But a lot of work. Not for the faint of heart.
So why the new house? JustMe, I agree that it might be seen as having another child. But a couple things. We’ve never (even before the bomb) loved our current house. Actually, its more of we like our house, we hate the neighborhood. But I think about it like this…
This D will NEVER be busted. To ever imply that it would be is like what Frank_D spelled out a couple months ago. To assume that it is, might cause me to become overly comfortable in the R/M and send it on a path of destruction. That’s not to say I sit around wondering when the shoe would drop – however I do instead frame it as constantly looking for little ways to keep the R “fresh”. I have found tremendous satisfaction in seeking these things. Example was during a recent trip to Chicago. When I travel, I usually pick the boys up something at a gift shop. Sure, it spoils them, but… I do same for the WAW. This time I was thinking of just picking up some flowers on the way home – but after paying for the boys stuff I saw a Cinderella PEZ dispensers so I picked one up and gave that to her. She loved it.
But it is not materialistic only. I was always a wuss. I’ll share what happened over vacation that I think provided that much more positive motion. From an e-mail I shared with some friends:
The day of departure was a bit of a mess – we were due to be up in Maine by around 3:00 but trying to get packed and off took longer than expected. We arrived around 5:00 and got settled. There were a few issues with the house (it wasn’t as clean as we had hoped) but WAW was actually pretty reasonable about it all. We got settled and went out and bought some groceries. Interestingly, she was all flirty. Two days later in a Dunkin Donuts she let be hug her from behind and she says “I missed you” and then followed shortly thereafter with “there is no guarantee”. To which I reply coolly “you are absolutely right”. Let her think on that…which she did and we had a GREAT day together.
Rest of the week is good until Thursday when we end up in an argument about taking a trolley into town. I won’t get into too much detail to spare you the boredom, but at one point she pulls one of those “talk to the hand” motions to which I SNAP back at her “don’t you dare put your hand up to me like that”. She cowers a bit. As it turns out what she wants to do turns into a complete disaster and later she apologizes publicly when it turns out that way. We got stuck at a restaurant and had to walk back to the house in the rain – we did, hand in hand. Later (and a couple times since) she tells me how much she appreciated me standing up and to make sure I keep doing just that. On the day we left she was all “lovey” and playful. Kissed several times at the beach. Good times. Good vacation. Nice progress.
The only hold out you are right is in the physical realm. Still, little motion there. We do touch, embrace, and “spoon” in bed. My physical advances recently have not been turned away - and they need to get to the next level. I am confident however that a little more time will do the trick. We’re close. On the same page about a lot of things. We need to get back to the MC and will in the next couple weeks.
So, is it risky. Sure, very much so. But I have always been the so risk adverse that I needed the change too. And WAW has always been frustrated with my lack of movement sometimes. So, I’ll grab this one by the b-lls and run. Call it a do-over. I’m cool with it. I’m happy with myself, my life and I’m focused on keeping it that way, every day. With God by my side, DR/DYD in my quiver we’ll be together in a year, or two, or thirty. And if not, I’ll take dating lessons from Keyster. (luv ya buddy).
Onward and upward….
Sven
Never sacrifice the great for the good. Sometimes the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair.
Hey Sven, thanks for your support I have read the Mars-Venus book, I actually had it on CD from the library and even H said we should listen to it more often.
I'm so glad to here you guys are doing better, God has great things ahead for us.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Been a good couple of weeks since last post. Things continue to move along at a good pace - not too fast or two slow.
Weekend recap:
Our weekend (other than slaving on the house) was good. We went on a date Saturday night – dinner and a movie. We saw The Illusionist. VERY GOOD movie I thought – and a good date movie. Sort of a “chick flick” but a pretty good story and enough twists to keep our martian brains awake. As we went to bed that night, she says, “I’m almost there” – indicating she is almost at or near “full” reconciliation. Fell asleep “spooning”. She had a really bad dream that woke her up (and me) CRYING. I just held her and consoled. We sat and had coffee Sunday AM and she told me that it was about her dad and was very sad (her dad died in 2000). Amazing the effect of active listening and loooooking into her eyes. She gets up after we have talked, sits on my lap (tight embrace) and tells me that she loves me. Finally, at lunch, she says “okay…get this…right now I want to have s+x…” Of course, I say lets go… She says we cannot (the three kids around) so I tell her that in the new house I’m putting a lock on our door and we WILL be taking advantage of these whims.. end of story. She grins….
Good stuff I think…
She did mention last week while we were talking about "taking on too much" - specifically we were talking about a volunteering thing that I do with Scouts. In the heat of it she mentions that she "doesn't trust me". I tell her firmly that I have NO intentions of repeating the last year and that I have it under control. Period, end of discussion. She backs off.
So, continues with more good than bad....and the pace feels about right - at least I am less frustrated by it...
Patience. Onward and upward.
Sven
Never sacrifice the great for the good. Sometimes the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair.
Fantastic stuff. You know, sometimes I think these little 'moments of doubt' help us remember not to take the good things for granted. Hones our senses to really be 'present'.
You know, like I had said in a previous post (paraphrasing) - it are those moments of doubt that can in fact keep the changes "permanent". How easy it is to backslide.....
But, in the end, our interactions have and continue to be good. As she was sitting on my lap hugging me and telling me "I love you", I couldn't help but hold back some emotion as I responded - my voice cracked a little...
We continue along. I'm glad she decided to come along on MY journey....
Good luck this week while NG is away. Now get that spring cleaning done!
Sven
Never sacrifice the great for the good. Sometimes the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair.
You are an inspiration!!!!!! I am so happy for you. I think in time you are going to have a very strong, close marriage. Keep up the good work and please keep sharing the positive things you are doing.
My husband said he "loves me cautiously" while I keep wanting more. Your situation reminds me that it takes time and effort to build that up.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
Thanks for that. I've dropped a blurb on your thread...
Quote: My husband said he "loves me cautiously" while I keep wanting more. Your situation reminds me that it takes time and effort to build that up.
Trust me when I say, I'm still here. She is loving me cautiosly. But what a great opportunity that creates! It does take time. Patience is a word you need to stay close to...
Never sacrifice the great for the good. Sometimes the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair.
I have read the Mars-Venus book, I actually had it on CD from the library and even H said we should listen to it more often.
