Thanks guys for posing some excellent questions. It has taken so long to get back to the board because we were out on vacation in Maine for the past week. You know, this was the best vacation I think we have had in years. And WAW agreed, mentioning this a couple times.
Regarding your questions…
X, it might not be fair to say that she hasn’t grown at all. She has – what I guess I am saying is that the core of her issues has not been addressed, yet. She has, and I have noticed even more recently, a desire on her part to move away from being overly critical and accepting some things that simply are not worth wasting time on. That is a change and a positive one. Her fundamental ability to accept that which does not go her way, and/or to forgive, and to project blame, not too much change here. However, I have seen some motion here. She was reading a book called “The Velvetine Principles” on vacation. This is an adaptation of the book “The Velvetine Rabbit” on what it means to “really accept and love oneself – the thought of getting ‘real’” and it might just be the start of something where she starts reconciling things of the past in order to move forward. Did I play a part in her lack of growth – absolutely – and I take responsibility for making her feel abandoned and unimportant. And each day I work to keep that sense of feeling out of her heart and mind.
But fast forward to when the bomb dropped, in the end, I guess the validation I needed was to hear from friends and family how much *I* have changed. I’m centered, balanced, and have a sense of resolve. I have a mission statement – still read every day to which I bounce all my decisions against. However at the same time, I fully recognize that I have control over my *own* happiness and that she continues to be a “preference”. I know, no matter what, I can get up, dust myself off and move forward. I’ve been to the bottom and see no need to go back. Thanks in large part to a CD program suggested by JoeSchmoe and TJ, I have a sense of inner game. I just bought a money clip with the inscription Integrity and Strength.
Don’t be confused though, the WAW is a lifetime preference.
Look, I’m not unshakable and I still have a lot that I need to work on and towards. OLD habits die hard. But I think that once we move from a position of “need” and go after the things we want, it becomes does become a little easier. But a lot of work. Not for the faint of heart.
So why the new house? JustMe, I agree that it might be seen as having another child. But a couple things. We’ve never (even before the bomb) loved our current house. Actually, its more of we like our house, we hate the neighborhood. But I think about it like this…
This D will NEVER be busted. To ever imply that it would be is like what Frank_D spelled out a couple months ago. To assume that it is, might cause me to become overly comfortable in the R/M and send it on a path of destruction. That’s not to say I sit around wondering when the shoe would drop – however I do instead frame it as constantly looking for little ways to keep the R “fresh”. I have found tremendous satisfaction in seeking these things. Example was during a recent trip to Chicago. When I travel, I usually pick the boys up something at a gift shop. Sure, it spoils them, but… I do same for the WAW. This time I was thinking of just picking up some flowers on the way home – but after paying for the boys stuff I saw a Cinderella PEZ dispensers so I picked one up and gave that to her. She loved it.
But it is not materialistic only. I was always a wuss. I’ll share what happened over vacation that I think provided that much more positive motion. From an e-mail I shared with some friends:
The day of departure was a bit of a mess – we were due to be up in Maine by around 3:00 but trying to get packed and off took longer than expected. We arrived around 5:00 and got settled. There were a few issues with the house (it wasn’t as clean as we had hoped) but WAW was actually pretty reasonable about it all. We got settled and went out and bought some groceries. Interestingly, she was all flirty. Two days later in a Dunkin Donuts she let be hug her from behind and she says “I missed you” and then followed shortly thereafter with “there is no guarantee”. To which I reply coolly “you are absolutely right”. Let her think on that…which she did and we had a GREAT day together.
Rest of the week is good until Thursday when we end up in an argument about taking a trolley into town. I won’t get into too much detail to spare you the boredom, but at one point she pulls one of those “talk to the hand” motions to which I SNAP back at her “don’t you dare put your hand up to me like that”. She cowers a bit. As it turns out what she wants to do turns into a complete disaster and later she apologizes publicly when it turns out that way. We got stuck at a restaurant and had to walk back to the house in the rain – we did, hand in hand. Later (and a couple times since) she tells me how much she appreciated me standing up and to make sure I keep doing just that. On the day we left she was all “lovey” and playful. Kissed several times at the beach. Good times. Good vacation. Nice progress.
The only hold out you are right is in the physical realm. Still, little motion there. We do touch, embrace, and “spoon” in bed. My physical advances recently have not been turned away - and they need to get to the next level. I am confident however that a little more time will do the trick. We’re close. On the same page about a lot of things. We need to get back to the MC and will in the next couple weeks.
So, is it risky. Sure, very much so. But I have always been the so risk adverse that I needed the change too. And WAW has always been frustrated with my lack of movement sometimes. So, I’ll grab this one by the b-lls and run. Call it a do-over. I’m cool with it. I’m happy with myself, my life and I’m focused on keeping it that way, every day. With God by my side, DR/DYD in my quiver we’ll be together in a year, or two, or thirty. And if not, I’ll take dating lessons from Keyster. (luv ya buddy).
Onward and upward….
Sven
Never sacrifice the great for the good. Sometimes the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair.
