Hi All! I promised you I'd fill you in on my major backslide of yesterday and the h's commit status as well. Oh yeah, and there's the deadline thing too....
Well, first, over the weekend I talked to him about where are we going, final Ret follow up was completed and they have monthly meetings now if you wish to attend. I do, he doesn't. Well, I told him, OK, but we still need something to keep us going in the right direction. We decided on joint counseling. And he will continue his individual sessions, I will go on as needed basis.
Well, I also asked him how long it was going to take for him to make up his mind whether or not he was staying. And he said, "I guess I'm staying." It didn't sound real definite to me and it sounded more like a resignation. I asked him what he meant by that. We talked a little about his hesitancy to recommit and he blamed it on his fear of falling for the next opportunity. I told him I wasn't afraid of that as I think he learned a lot about himself through this extramarital activity. But, that I was worried that if the OW wanted to have a go at him again, he might not "just say no." He said he was thinking about that too. I told him "Well, I'm not you, so I can't tell you what you should do, but I can tell you that if it were me in that situation, I would try to look at her through the eyes of the spouse and the eyes of my children, and remember the pain it all caused everyone last time." He nodded his head in somewhat of an agreement. I told him I knew he could be strong and "just say no." So, we will see. A good friend of mine tells me to continue "acting as if." I think that is the best advice in times like these.
Got an email from Jenny Baker. She is busy, and she does follow the posts. One of these days, she'll surface again. So, don't worry about her, but keep up your prayers. She didn't get into detail but stated that her situation is in a similar place as mine.
Now, as for the backslide....I went to pick up the h at work for lunch. I got there later than usual. Anyway, as we walked out of his building, i reached for his hand and he moved it to my back to pick lint off my sweater. Not bad in itself, except that I spotted the ho coming back into the building and I felt like he was treating me like a kid and not wanting to hold my hand in front of her. Yeah, I got a very wounded feeling and recoiled from him. I told him I didn't need him to de-lint my sweater, but I needed him to hold my hand. He said I was hateful and was angry. I told him why and he said he never saw XXXXX walking into the building.
I apologized about 4 times and he was still tense and angry. During lunch I told him all I wanted was for him to tell me I look nice and take my hand. I said, "Let's start over, please, take my hand and tell me I look nice, OK? He did, and he smiled and said he was sorry, too that I was feeling like a wounded animal on the attack. I didn't mean to come off as hateful, but I was very hurt. When I realized that he didn't even know she was there, I realized I overreacted and felt overwhelmed by all this. When am I going to feel normal again? When is this going to go away? Will it ever? How am I going to get through the company winter party next week with her there, if I still feel like this 6 months after the end of their affair? But I need to go to that party. Everyone needs to see us together, happy and having fun. That will put an end to the rumors, and hopefully send her a message as well.
I learned that he wants to live happily in his state of amnesia as he forgets what he has done to contribute to my mistrust and panic.
As for the deadline, I didn't tell him. I'm still keeping it in my head, but it looks more like a back up plan B at this point. I am still hopeful that he's really staying and wants to. So, I remain, cautiously optimistic. Talk to you all later, GG
