You know, WAW got home from a night at her grandmother’s last night – I was a little stressed out about her going there, particularly because OM’s house is a stone’s throw away…but I let it go. Comforted by the fact that when she and I talked on Monday night, she mentioned that she had bought me some clothes at the time when she would have most likely been able to sneak off to OM’s house. Obsess not.
I actually had a VERY productive evening at home that night, organizing and cleaning up the kitchen, mudroom and living room. All good since WAW has been b-tching non stop about what a mess those rooms are. She was thankful last night when she was doing her inspections – however did manage to dig on me for the place I chose (she forgets of course that I cleared it with her) for our vacation. Opting to add that I “waited” too long to book it and hence now we were stuck. Well, I’m sorry that I didn’t book a “FAMILY” vacation house back 6 months ago when you were rolling in the hay with some other guy and that when you finally got you head right it was JUNE and that summer rentals are usually GONE by MARCH! I spent 4 days looking for the place and it was the best I could do!!
Ah, I feel better. Needed to write that out.
She then goes on to describe how homesick she is (having now been back to her hometown). That she hates our house, hates our town, etc. That months back she had considered moving back to her hometown, but only stopped because of our S10 (who would simply implode if we were to move). I A/V’d and tried not to solve – other than making that an option. She eased on her positioning – indicating that the house isn’t that bad, it’s just that the list of things to be done is overwhelming. We NEED to finish some work we did in the back yard (took a bunch of trees down which were hauled away, but we need fill, etc.). Then there are a bunch of smaller, quick hit projects we need done….
As FMO describes, I could see her having “pop up” windows going off all over the place. I A/V’d each and just tried to be there. I did however commit to finishing all the things that need to be done. We need a plan to start knocking these things off. In the end, we both would like to move – stay in the same town for our S, but now is not the best time (market has softened) and we need to get that back yard cleaned up. WAW is exhausted and depressed and I’ll admit, I’m exhausted by it. If she could only let go…..
So the depression on her part is not fun. And its not about missing the OM. She needs to get over this past hurt – the ACOA stuff that robs her of her happiness. I’m going to see if she’ll read some books on it, but don’t want to force it. Last night was a real bummer because I was on a real PMA high – which I let her crash. Bad, bad.
I wish I knew of a way to help her process it all….thoughts on the forum?
It also dawned on me that my IC had her diagnosed perfectly. My WAW cannot be happy – everything is short lived until she deals with her stuff. We could sell the house, move to her home town, settle in and then something would come up that once again kills her happiness…I’ve seen this to be true now. I love this woman, wish I could take away her hurt. I know I cannot, but I can keep from adding to it I suppose.
So, we’ll try the Harley trick this weekend. I was going to do it as a surprise on Friday night, but thought that wouldn’t be good (as much as she rode me to be spontaneous, she equally rides me for when I surprise her). So tomorrow AM, I’ll leave an envelope out with an “invitation” to go on the ride this weekend – I’ve procured the babysitter, planned the route and location and am ready to go. Heck, if she says no, I’ll take our mutual friend, she said she would!
Onward and upward….
Sven
Last edited by SvenTheRed; 07/26/0604:13 PM.
Never sacrifice the great for the good. Sometimes the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair.
as an ACOA I can tell you it's either: you choose to forget (maybe it was easier for me since the real bad stuff happened I was pretty small, only remember some things) or you hurt yourself over and over, reliving the pain, guess your W is on the 2nd category. If you find a good book sit with her and read it to her, provided of course she says yes. I can read a book w/H that way, if I know he isnt' too hot about reading it (I got a cute illustrated shorten version of the Mars-Venus book and we used to read 2or 3 pgs together, he'd groan a bit but listened.
I will give you brownie points for all the work you've done!! it's christmas at home if my H actually does the vacuum or dishes (his 2 chores) by the 3rd time I ask, (do not under any circumstances go to my back yard, oy!)
I hear you about being exausted by trying to deal w/depression, it's like we have our hands cut off and can't do a thing, which we really can't, we can only stand by and listen and hope they feel better eventually.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Good to hear from you. Hey...I was thinking...you could always take C4H on the ride. After all you are pretty close LOL! Just kidding . Finished the FMO book and am going to get the FWO one. Thanks and if you want the FMO book back just let me know and I will send it back to you. Excellent and full of revelations as you and TJ pointed out.
As for you sitch all I can do is say YOU THE MAN! Just remember, as you have said, not to get caught up and let things that bring you down. Yes, you need to make some stands, but choose them wisely. You took a huge step in not getting upset when she went to visit down here. Do not get frustrated with her saying she want to move back to her hometown. That is just her thinking out-loud. She needs to do that. It is just a thought, one of those annoying pop-ups, and it will pass. You are armed with an incredible amount of R knowledge and sometimes may forget some finer points. Most of all remember what you said months ago, "Pieceing is going to be the most difficult part". You know what your goal is, a rebuilt and strong M and R with your W. Dont lose sight of it. I know you will not, but sometimes we just need a little reminder .
Good luck with the motorcycle this weekend. I think the invitation is an excellent idea. What do you have planned for the route? Anything special such as an ILY W sign along the route somewhere? Maybe that is too much. Perhaps you could have a little romantic stop arranged. Just a thought. Anywho...good luck Sven and hopefully we can get together with our brother C4H in the next couple of weeks. We need to try and top the last meeting . Ciao.
Sven - You never fail to inspire me with your loving detachment. Reckon your IC nailed the problem - until WAW solves her underlying issues, there will be little long term joy. Glad you are able to see how it manifests in her daily unhappiness.
Well, I did as planned and put the envelope out yesterday with an invitation - had a picture of a Harley, a route map (so that she could chose the distance which I labled: NEAR (Soft), MEDIUM (Spirited), or LONG (Iron Butt). I also included what I thought to be a great place to do lunch in each town.
Sadly, she passed - BUT, she did say that she would "prefer" to do dinner. I expressed disappointment but quickly turned it to understanding. She says that she is not comfortable getting on a bike that is that big - that I haven't ridden before. That's fair. So to get some practice in, I'm getting the bike anyway. I'm actually borrowing a friends so all is well and good. If she changes her mind - great. If not, I'll take off with the boys on separate short trips. She did describe how stressed she is *AGAIN* and that Saturday we should spend working on our various house projects. Again, totally fair.
One thing she did say which struck me is that she wanted to have Saturday with the boys since she has to work on Sunday. This struck me because I can now see how SHE had put the boys and other things before the marraige as well. This might sound blasphemous, but a year ago when I was way out of balance, my IC and my committment to myself made me realise that in most ways, I need to put me, and my R first - ahead of the boys. Not by much mind you, but like the FAA required announcement on airplanes goes "put your mask on before helping small children". You're no go to anybody if you don't have your own stuff together. This is WAW. She has for so long put other's needs ahead of her own, her identity is lost. So slowly, your paraphrase below is right on.
For me then, it remains paramount that I give back to me - not overly or selfishly - but healthily. The other night when she got home all out of sorts I was on a PMA high. And as much as she sucked out of me, I was still able to go to bed that night, drained, but still feeling good about myself...
We'll see what dinner brings. I've been counseling with a few others on an "R" talk of sorts - not specifically about US, but more about ME and what I want out of life - and how much I want to share that with those around me. I'm also trying to figure out what book I can get for WAW to read over vacation that will give her that little kick in the butt to go and get the counseling that she so desperately needs....
Dinner will hopefully be great however - I actually bought her an outfit to wear, have the place all selected (Brazillian BBQ) and we're off....
Inspiration anybody?
Onward and upward....
Sven
Never sacrifice the great for the good. Sometimes the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair.
Sorry to hear about your W balking on the bike ride. When the boys come back and tell how much fun they had she might have second thoughts. YOU will have fun anyway. Good recovery by the way. Otherwise have a great weekend. Ciao.
Sven: Take what you can get - 90/10. I agree about WAW and putting the boys ahead of you ... mine has done the same and what little affection I used to get turned to 0... I became jaded and bitter - no affection back and ... well you know the rest...
Without someone making the effort on the affection front and continuing to put out more than their fair share, there is no chance for a relationship to continue.... it goes into a withering death spiral.
So - my advice - continue on the stroking and caressing of your wife (both mental, spiritual and - if allowed - physical). In the end it will pay off in long-term dividends.
WAW did not want to take a ride on the Harley and that stuck. However, GAL values prevail! So Saturday, got up early, went to the gym (still hurting today...gooooood) and went over a friends to borrow his bike. Wrote a note to WAW that I was going. Borrowed his 2003 Herigtage Softail and I can tell you, rides nothing like the ol' SV650. MUUUUCCHHH heavier but a great ride overall. Took the "longway" home and the kids were all giddy. Fun. Ended up working around the house with WAW (we got some good stuff done), the took S8 for a ride - HE LOVED IT! It was great - and then I heard those words that move us all to the core. "I love this dad, just you and me - out on the hog". Great stuff from my little middle man.
Did the same on Sunday with the older one as I was riding the bike back. He too loved it - was all giddy and chatty the whole way. Too much!
So, here is where it gets wierd. Months back WAW's head was coming out of her rear end, we talked about "starting over" and what that would mean. We talked about moving to a new house, shedding the past and all that stuff. About renewing our vows, etc. And I totally agreed. So, Saturday, the house thing pops up. She says "you have to see this house I found" so we go on-line and check it out. I have to admit - it's perfect. It's in the HIGH end of our range, but it really is everything that we would like in a house. Big yard, character, etc. So we go and look at it yesterday. BIG MISTAKE because we fell in love with it almost immediately.
So, I'm left with this sense that this could really mean a new start - but I also KNOW that we have not made the kind of progress that I would have hoped we could have made - but how can you tell. In the end, and now really looking where her head is at and how little she has grown over the past year, the last thing I want to do is get into something that is that much more stressful for her and therefore the happiness is short lived. And of course, we'll be a bit house poor for a short time, so her hopes of making fixes, etc. will have to be much more planned than they are today.
Our mutural friend thinks it's time to have the "where are we" discussion with WAW. I mean, if we are going to move forward, I think I have a right to know. I'm seeing an arrangment like my cousin has (she is actually divorced, but she and her X still live in the same house and are doing so "for the kids"). Crazy. I'm not goint to sign up for that kind of celibate arrangement. I WANT and expect more. Things therefore on that front are still a bit chilly.
Mind you, when she said we could go out for dinner instead of ride this weekend, I bought her something I wanted her to wear - and told her so. She was apprehensive at first, but when she saw what I bought her, seemed to mellow a bit. That was good. And she did like the clothes...
So anyway...we march along - a little uncomfortably - but seems to be going somewhere....
I'm going for a lunch walk....
Sven
Never sacrifice the great for the good. Sometimes the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair.
Sounds like there's quite a desire to move forward on her part.
Quote: and now really looking where her head is at and how little she has grown over the past year
What does this mean and what part do you play in it? Is her growth linked to a gridlock caused by a system of interactions between the two of you or is it simply about her?
I would agree with your friend. The house is a major step and it doesn't sound like the relationship is at the place for that kind of investment. To me it's kind of like having another baby together....definitely premature for the stage your relationship is at. She's not to the point of buying different houses together.
Let me ask you this....are you comfortable that you will be together a year or two from now? How long before you feel convinced that she loves you? Have sex/make love? I just think there are a lot of hurdles that still need crossed before taking it for granted that your D is busted.
Just MHO.
Me
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
j/k! hope she says yes 
LOL! Just kidding 
. Ciao.