Well again its been a couple weeks since my last post and I can say things are still mixed - more positive than negative I'm feeling, but still feel like the big test is on. A couple weeks back, I felt we were onto some real breakthroughs – the hand holding, the wearing of wedding bands, etc.
Nothing has much changed – or nothing specific I think – really just still have an unsettled feeling – again not predicated by anything other than a seeming lack of forward progress. Mind you there is still a fair amount of stuff going on – WAW has a new business starting that has her straight out getting ready to open, she is working part time aside from that and the kids are out of school. It’s a lot to take in….so she is pretty stressed.
We’re still close – took the boys to dinner at the restaurant she works at last Friday night – she was fairly lovey dovey – the occasional kiss as we made our way through our meal. All good. We crashed on the couch Saturday night after she worked but she was gone all day Sunday at her store so I messed around with the kids before leaving to come where I am currently sitting in Ireland for business.
We talked when I arrived on Monday and she called Monday night about an hour after I went to bed (I had been up for 37 hours so I was a wreck when she called – completely comatosed). We didn’t talk yesterday – I had called and left a couple messages and that is stressing me a bit today, but I head home tonight (thankfully). Ireland is beautiful if any of you get the chance, go visit.
It might be too that because we are so busy that we are falling into a “comfortable” mode which admittedly I don’t like. Also, we haven’t been able to get to the MC for a month now and I would have preferred to do so – but again, scheduling has been tough. In order to kick myself out of it, I plan on taking her to the movies tomorrow night – as a bit of a surprise date and next week will start making dinner on Tuesday nights (she doesn’t work), serving after the kids have gone to bed and insisting we have desert in bed…see where that leads…
I’m dying to more forward with intimacy – and need to approach her I think on this one. I was “dinged” for not being more intimate/romantic in the past and now have a flood of this I want to start bringing forward (slowly mind you) – but do want to be mindful of the timing….
Perhaps when she gets home from work tonight and since I will have returned from Ireland, I’ll just tell her “I’d like to kiss you….” And see where it goes…
Onward and upward….
Sven
Never sacrifice the great for the good. Sometimes the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair.
You know as well as I do not to take your unanswered calls prsonally. Who knows why she did not return them and does thiat really matter. Try to think the best not the worst. So...you feel as though you are getting comfortable. Well then try to do something new that will test the comfort zone. I know what you mean by getting too comfortable, it happens. Especially when things are stressed for you and her. She is starting a new business and you are helping her and that is great. You know better than anyone what you need to do. Things will move slowly every once in a while, just go with it. You said yourself that Piecing will be even more difficult than the sep. If you need to talk, vent, whatever...I am here for you 24/7. Talk to you soon.
I thought the roller coaster would level out a bit but it has not. Might just be my Gemini bi-polar tendency at work, not sure. I did come across an e-mail by WAW to a friend that she used to hang out with when she was seeing the OM – in it she says that she is still thinking about him, daily. Its funny, I also see her almost “pinging” friend in order to get information about OM from her (does he miss her, that she thinks about him…blah blah). Now, mind you, I’m not looking at her e-mail per se, she has left the window open on our home computer – I have to wonder if she is doing this to get a rise out of me. I doubt it, I just think she has a million things going on and is just getting careless. Disturbing nonetheless. Starting today, I'm going to revert back to the promise I made to Frank_D and simply close the windows she leaves open and not read...because...
Mind you, the OM doesn’t matter. At the end of the day, he doesn’t matter. I need to keep focusing on me and I think I have been slipping. Between picking up all the things that need to get done around the house now that WAW is working so much, taking care of the kids, work, etc. has left me with little “me time”. Also haven’t been to the gym and that isn’t helping me keep a clear head.
I ALMOST blasted WAW this weekend for her b*tchyness. I did 180 a couple times when she accused me of a couple things that I didn’t do (or in a couple cases defend why I did what I did). Also, another 180 yesterday when I approached a real arsehole at our 4th of July parade and asked him to move out of my kids way as the parade approached. WAW would have needed to ask me to do that in the past. However, she still “criticized” me for what I did (although later I heard her commenting to our friend about how I did stand up for them - good). The day was not lost however as we went to he beach (coast of NH) for the day and had a great day. At one point I was down by the water with the boys having a blast when I looked back at her on her beach chair – couldn’t help but HOPE that she was thinking what an idiot she would be to lose all this….
We also haven’t been to the MC in about a month now – and we should probably go – just trouble trying to find the time lately. I’d really like to start having R talks about where we are going and to resolve our issues in the bedroom, but I don’t know how that happens until she starts to open up – and would likely do so only at an IC.
In the end, I need to find some time to get back to goals, etc., back to the gym and onto the bikes (road and mountain) to clear the head...
So the journey continues...
Never sacrifice the great for the good. Sometimes the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair.
Hi there Sven - Like you, I am finding that once a fortnight on the boards seems to be the tempo that fits into my efforts. I see you going through similar adjustment to the change in pace too. While we are dbing in ernest, progress, or developments anyway, seem to happen almost on a daily basis, and the good and bad are quite obvious.
Once we are piecing, changes are far more subtle, but perhaps more sustained? And the LBS who has been doing most of the heavy lifting is left to wonder, when is the acknowledgement and return on effort going to be evident? And I think it really is up to us to re-frame what develops as the return we have been looking for.
You sound GREAT, though. Get back to the gym, exercise really helps! I've noticed my lack of GAL too, and have stepped it up just this past week. Remember, you are a wonderful person, a fabulous father, and for the right woman, a spectacular life partner. The woman needs to be ready to see it though. Might take some more time.
Nothing much to report - more or less the same going on. We're close - as friends moreso than lover's right now although there has been talk about sex soon which is good. WAW is still stressed out - lots going on even though summer is in full swing. We'll be vacationing in Maine this year for the first time and she is talking a LOT about it (how she needs it, etc.). All good stuff...we'll see.
Thanks slowly for the reminder NOT to let go of the GAL stuff. We had a meeting of the NE DB club last week and as usual, it was a really good time. Haven't made it to the gym, but been getting on the mountain bike and getting some good exercise again. Going to be renting a Harley soon - just to "shock" the wifey pooh. She won't ride on my rice burner - so I'll just rent one for a weekend and we'll see where it goes from there....
So life goes on...
Sven
Never sacrifice the great for the good. Sometimes the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair.
you are funny I hope to say that soon, that my H and I are very close friends, right now I'm rushing him into being lovers and it aitn' working, you are doing great! time off in Maine should do you guys good.
You guys and your toys, my H's Buell is broken ( a leftover from a mini MLC 3yrs ago) I wouldnt' ride that thing if he paid me, those things scare me!
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
I'm just catching up on your thread. Slow going sounds about right. I really struggle to understand situations like yours....a spouse that is there, but not quite there. I'm not sure from reading your posts that she's committed to the marriage yet, but perhaps her head tells her that she should be, but her heart isn't quite in it. Glad to hear that you still have your focus on yourself and your improvements.
I admire your patience with this. I don't know how well I could cope with it. But perhaps your willingness to wait through her uncertainties, insecurities, fragileness, etc will pay dividends in the end. I personally would prefer being there for her as more of a friend living separate than enduring the together, but not together thing.
I never really experienced what you are going through so hopefully you are getting good advice on this forum. My only advice is to remember that you deserve a fulfilling life. Keep yourself happy and focus on your self-care and your children. She's still damaged goods that can hopefully work her way back.
Me
P.S. Sven, I'm not sure you really want to hear just yet where the relationship is at. I think what you need is time and taking things day by day. I would still keep R talks to a minimum until she's ready. Someday she might appreciate the efforts you've made for your marriage.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
It is a struggle but I remind myself daily that this is a journey. I did enough damage (as did she) in the past say 3 years of the M that waiting a little longer is no problem at all. Time, patience.
I've just been venting here regarding have R talks. I know that is probably not the best. And, I have my goals...and working on me is NOT a chore. Went for a nice mountain bike ride last night. WAW called me when I was riding (went to VM) and in that, soft, caring voice asks me to call on the way home - to pick stuff up on the way, but from the tone, I could tell she just wanted to make sure I was okay. I do some all mountain/free ride stuff and things sometimes get broken....
But, I am on a quest to lose the couple pounds I've put back on and go for lookin' fine during our vacation at the beach. I'm hopeful that this vacation may create or get us to another level.
And, as slowly says, sometimes the things that go on are not as DRAMATIC, but hopefully more sustained. Examples: she is still wearing her wedding ring - or her anniversary ring I gave her at the 10 year mark. Yesterday, for the first time in weeks, she put her head on my stomach to rest and be comforted (she had a bad dream).
The rest is slow, but like a good glue, hopefully more time and the bond will be that much stronger. The WAW is stressed out pretty good so that has her walls up all around. She needs to start processing some stuff, and putting things to bed I think before real progress will start to set in. Hopefully again, we will maybe take big steps forward during our vacation.
Beyond that, I still make it about me. Improving me as a person, and a father and husband. For that is what hopefully will spark attraction. I also know that I WON'T go through live in a loveless, sexless M. We DID NOT have enough sex in our M, and that has to change , and that is a big hangup right now.
Life is good. The sun is out.
Sven
Never sacrifice the great for the good. Sometimes the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair.
. Keep it up buddy, you know you are doing great. Good luck with the business for your W. Ciao.
my H's Buell is broken ( a leftover from a mini MLC 3yrs ago) I wouldnt' ride that thing if he paid me, those things scare me! 
, and that is a big hangup right now.