Quote: For me anyway, I’m getting the sense that I am NOT being true to myself to roll over to her crappy attitude. I let that happen in the M and look where it got me. And, she also has said that the most frustrating thing is not knowing where I am at (in my head). I WANT to and PREFER to start sharing that.
Maybe this will help:
About 5 days ago I got a prescription for Ambien because I havene't been able to sleep through the nite for months. I took it that nite and some time during the nite I got up and went to the kitchen to get a snack. I took a small container of Sorbet out of the freezer and I apparently forgot to put it back in.
In the morning W found it sitting on the counter, of course it was melted. She asked me about it and I could not recall if I had taken it out of the fridge, or even if I had gone to the kitchen the nite before.
Eventually, she asks me if I had been drinking that nite. Had I sneaked downstairs to get a drink? Leaving 'food all over the place' was something I would do when I was drinking at nite.
I'm shocked of course because I know that I haven't drank anything in 7 months, and thet SHE has a bottle of wine in the fridge.
I told her that and she said 'ok'. Then I said "You don't believe me do you?"
She said 'no'.
So I paused for a moment, and was going to start 'trying to convince her' that she was wrong.
Like you said Sven, for the past several months I have done NOTHING but be very careful what I say so that I don't piss her off. I have taken responsibility for everything. I have been carrying all the 'burden' of the relationship. And I'm not being true to myself - being the man I really am.
And I know who I am. And I know she isn't perfect or the center of my universe. And I have earned the right to be treated with respect.
So I said to her:
"I think the Ambien had something to do with whatever happend last nite. Maybe it made me sleepwalk (it can). And I know you've had a lot of past history with me drinking, but I know I haven't been. You claim that there was a bottle of wine in the fridge and I pointed out to you that it is STILL there unopended.
So let me explain something to you.
Last October you told me it was over between us. that you had found your 'soulmate'. And I stopped drinking.
I spent the whole month of November knowing that in December you were flying to see him, and that you intended on having sex with him. And there was nothing I could do about it - I had to let you do it. And I didn't drink.
I went through all of December while you were in your 'in love' state, all the while fully expecting you to find a way so you and he could 'be together', maybe have a business together like you've 'dreamed of', and that I would be alone. And I didn't drink.
I overheard you on the phone telling friends how he was 'the one' and how you were 'so glad to be rid of me' and I didn't drink.
When we took the girls on a camping weekend and I was feeling down you told me how glad you were that you didn't have to concern yourself with where I was at emotionally - that you weren't married to 'it' any more. And I didn't drink.
So, why do you think I would throw away everything I have worked for right now? I didn't change my life for you. I did it for myself, and for my daughters, so they wouldn't have to have a parent who wasn't strong and capable of being there for them when they needed me."
And, I said, how could I ever date or find someone new if, when asked about my first marriage, I had to tell them I lost it because I was drinking? Would that get me dates?
--
She was quiet and went on to talk about her fears of things 'going back' to the 'old life'. How she didn't know 'what she would do if I started drinking again'. I told that was simple. Leave. I said 'we have a pretty simple agreement in our marriage. If you ever have another sexual or emotional affair it's over. If I ever become a self medicating drunk it's over'.
I told her that it is impossible for that to happen to me. I have too many things in life I want to accomplish and nothing, nothing will interefere with that.
--
Sven, I brought this conversation up with Counseor today. Mostly because at the time I did have some fear that by being as 'direct' as I was, that I would somehow alienate W from me. Counselor made a simple point when she said "Why don't you tell her that the next time she brings up the crap she blames on you that she needs to give it a rest, because YOU don't bring up her affair or any of the things she did to HER".
By standing up for my 'self' with W she gained respect for me. She's been more relaxed and I think she realizes I'm not going to pussy out when difficult subjects are brought up. Sometimes standing up for yourself makes WAS feel safer with you because they see your real strength.
I wasn't angry when I spoke about all this, I wasn't judgemental. I just told it like it was.
And you know what? She HEARD me.
So Sven, there is nothing wrong with 'standing up' to W, because 'standing up' for yourself is not 'attacking' her. Big difference. And it is one of the 'attraction triggers' - confidence.
I think she 'attacks' you to see what you'll do. Are you doing what you've always done?
