Sven, Good luck, I think you are on the right track. Remember what you told me about the OM and how he treated your W. She wants you to put her in her place, but in a nice way, in supportive way. I know you can and will do the right thing. You do not come across as a wuss to me. Like you said, this was not going to be easy. You will succeed no matter what. Here is a thought about the condom. Could a co-worker have asked her for one in a pinch and she said "oh I have some"? Whatever, just try to put it behind you, if you can. I know very well how the anger can take over. Good thing you see it too. Till we me meet again. Ciao.
AK, thanks as usual. Sorry I missed you guys last week. I got the 411 from C4H last night. Sounds like it was fun....
Strength and Honor.
Last night was a non-event which is perfectly okay. I did the right thing and went to the gym, had a nice run and did some arms and chest. Breathe…..
As usual, “enlightenment” returned. I reminded myself that this is a journey, not a destination. Why am I doing this? Because I want to save my marriage. There are and will be TONS of hurdles. These days are one of those hurdles. But, as we all know (or should), we should be spending our time “measuring” ourselves – how did we act (not REACT), behave, and have we changed our WAY of communicating. So how am *I* changing the way that I jump those hurdles.
So, why WAS I letting her disrupt *MY* universe!? I am STRONGER than that. And, I have more HONOR. Her “attitude” and all that is the result of HER stuff, not mine. She is the one that is confused, not me.
My realisation is that there needs to be a direct link between the communication and the action (Thanks TJ!). Meaning, it would have been a death trap to have stepped into and R talk – and to nag. So, I reread M/V last night on what to do when a venusian is in her well – and continued with FMO (which foolishly I left on my nightstand – wonder if she will find, but I am NOT worried). I am now ready to confront issues when the next one comes along.
I’ll continue the metamorphosis for *me* - that means walking around again with a big arse smile on my face – first. Igniting my passions first (of which is being a great husband, making sure I get to the gym, get back to some guitar lessons [ordered a new amp!]), and keep workign the landscaping at the house) and work completely toward that end. WAW will eventually notice – actions speak louder than words.
As it turns out, WAW ended up meeting with her new business partner last night and they decided on a name to the business. While she was out, I did house stuff (cleaned up after dinner, cleaned the living room, installed an air conditioner and folded some laundry). As I did so, I did it with a big smile on my face (except when installing the A/C – it’s a 12,000 BTU unit and weighs a ton!). I am home. I am SVEN.
When WAW got home, she woke me all excited because they came up with a business name. Although half awake, I was very happy for her and told her how proud I was of her. She thanked me for my help (I had negotiated with a lessor on where the business will be located). This AM, I told her how excited I was for her and gave her a big hug – and got one back. Slow, gentle. Patience.
I’m getting back on track folks. It’s going to be a great weekend.
Never sacrifice the great for the good. Sometimes the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair.
My wie told me years ago that when she was single she kept a box of condoms around for self use. She wasn't having S with anyone but the condoms were to cover the fingernails and prevent injury. Just what I was told.
On the inspirational note of your thread, I'm going for a jog. Have a nice day.
I actually considered such a scenario last night while on the treadmill jogging. I've let it go....
Seems things are moving along slowly over in your sitch. On your cologne question - just go to a department store (Macy's, Nordstrom's, etc.) and check out a couple samples. There is usually a very helpful salesperson that can tell you what is the hottest thing around - be sure to test one or two on yourself (each arm) and not just the paper cards - the scents will vary slightly when applied to a person.
Thanks again X.
Sven
Never sacrifice the great for the good. Sometimes the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair.
When you first started piecing, did you find that NG seemed to always be finding things to do so that they didn't need to be around you? I find that with WAW, that is the thing I am getting these days.
Just wondering. I brush it off and keep working on me. I've almost started a process of detaching again - even though I am home.
Anyway, just curious. Thanks.
Sven
Never sacrifice the great for the good. Sometimes the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair.
Funny your post. I had just some similar thought. A couple of days ago my W asked me if I still want to work on the M. It doesn't look like it to her b/c I wasn't jumping right back. I told her perhaps we should take it slow and get used to it. She seemed a little upset and also asked when we would move back together.
But then SHE called me if I could take D4 to my place, she would be late and would like to see me than. Than I got another call, sorry was late, I'm already home in bed???? And again yesterday evening, could D4 stay w/you, that would give me some time to relax. I said sure. W changed her mind later but then D4 wanted to stay so I had her over. Then 10 min ago W needed some stuff, came to my place, D4 gets hug and kiss, towards me just business, no hug, no kiss?????? Told me she wants to get things done before this afternoon. Yes, a kiss really takes up that much time. I'm a little confused. But from your post it looks like I'm not alone. Part of the process
Hey, I just read your post to harley, found another similarity. I ride a Honda CBR600F, good thing to take your mind of stuff once in a while, particularly now when the weather gets better.
Quote: For me anyway, I’m getting the sense that I am NOT being true to myself to roll over to her crappy attitude. I let that happen in the M and look where it got me. And, she also has said that the most frustrating thing is not knowing where I am at (in my head). I WANT to and PREFER to start sharing that.
Maybe this will help:
About 5 days ago I got a prescription for Ambien because I havene't been able to sleep through the nite for months. I took it that nite and some time during the nite I got up and went to the kitchen to get a snack. I took a small container of Sorbet out of the freezer and I apparently forgot to put it back in.
In the morning W found it sitting on the counter, of course it was melted. She asked me about it and I could not recall if I had taken it out of the fridge, or even if I had gone to the kitchen the nite before.
Eventually, she asks me if I had been drinking that nite. Had I sneaked downstairs to get a drink? Leaving 'food all over the place' was something I would do when I was drinking at nite.
I'm shocked of course because I know that I haven't drank anything in 7 months, and thet SHE has a bottle of wine in the fridge.
I told her that and she said 'ok'. Then I said "You don't believe me do you?"
She said 'no'.
So I paused for a moment, and was going to start 'trying to convince her' that she was wrong.
Like you said Sven, for the past several months I have done NOTHING but be very careful what I say so that I don't piss her off. I have taken responsibility for everything. I have been carrying all the 'burden' of the relationship. And I'm not being true to myself - being the man I really am.
And I know who I am. And I know she isn't perfect or the center of my universe. And I have earned the right to be treated with respect.
So I said to her:
"I think the Ambien had something to do with whatever happend last nite. Maybe it made me sleepwalk (it can). And I know you've had a lot of past history with me drinking, but I know I haven't been. You claim that there was a bottle of wine in the fridge and I pointed out to you that it is STILL there unopended.
So let me explain something to you.
Last October you told me it was over between us. that you had found your 'soulmate'. And I stopped drinking.
I spent the whole month of November knowing that in December you were flying to see him, and that you intended on having sex with him. And there was nothing I could do about it - I had to let you do it. And I didn't drink.
I went through all of December while you were in your 'in love' state, all the while fully expecting you to find a way so you and he could 'be together', maybe have a business together like you've 'dreamed of', and that I would be alone. And I didn't drink.
I overheard you on the phone telling friends how he was 'the one' and how you were 'so glad to be rid of me' and I didn't drink.
When we took the girls on a camping weekend and I was feeling down you told me how glad you were that you didn't have to concern yourself with where I was at emotionally - that you weren't married to 'it' any more. And I didn't drink.
So, why do you think I would throw away everything I have worked for right now? I didn't change my life for you. I did it for myself, and for my daughters, so they wouldn't have to have a parent who wasn't strong and capable of being there for them when they needed me."
And, I said, how could I ever date or find someone new if, when asked about my first marriage, I had to tell them I lost it because I was drinking? Would that get me dates?
--
She was quiet and went on to talk about her fears of things 'going back' to the 'old life'. How she didn't know 'what she would do if I started drinking again'. I told that was simple. Leave. I said 'we have a pretty simple agreement in our marriage. If you ever have another sexual or emotional affair it's over. If I ever become a self medicating drunk it's over'.
I told her that it is impossible for that to happen to me. I have too many things in life I want to accomplish and nothing, nothing will interefere with that.
--
Sven, I brought this conversation up with Counseor today. Mostly because at the time I did have some fear that by being as 'direct' as I was, that I would somehow alienate W from me. Counselor made a simple point when she said "Why don't you tell her that the next time she brings up the crap she blames on you that she needs to give it a rest, because YOU don't bring up her affair or any of the things she did to HER".
By standing up for my 'self' with W she gained respect for me. She's been more relaxed and I think she realizes I'm not going to pussy out when difficult subjects are brought up. Sometimes standing up for yourself makes WAS feel safer with you because they see your real strength.
I wasn't angry when I spoke about all this, I wasn't judgemental. I just told it like it was.
And you know what? She HEARD me.
So Sven, there is nothing wrong with 'standing up' to W, because 'standing up' for yourself is not 'attacking' her. Big difference. And it is one of the 'attraction triggers' - confidence.
I think she 'attacks' you to see what you'll do. Are you doing what you've always done?
Thanks for checking in. For everyone else, some prose...
Journaling..
Hi all, been a while since my last post so a quick update….
Again, I guess when you get to “Piecing”, it actually means a lot more work…
I loved Frank_D’s diatribe – it hit it right on the head. And it represents some good advice really for all of us. Take a break from time to time – particularly from the board. Look, I’m not slamming it at all, I was looking back at my threads from December to February with amazement. But I realized also all the time I was spending there – and it can, if you let it get in the way of your true mission – GAL.
But beyond GAL, its also a matter of getting yourself together. Getting goals for your self but not just writing them, but living them and really searching and finding that inner strength that exists in all of us to keep plodding on. Mind you, it can be equally exhausting, but it gets you moving in the right direction.
My little life lessons.
Okay, back to the sitch. Like Frank_D, I’m not ready to call this a divorce busted, but there has been a change in tide over the past week. WAW and I are communicating better than I think we have in a long time. I’ve settled back into the house and some nice things are happening.
I’ve tried to pick up some of the house work (which I did do before, but was usually criticized on its quality so I did less and less). WAW has been acknowledging the help and not criticizing. This was possibly a direct result of telling her how unappreciated I felt. By the same token, I make it a point to ask her if she is okay but then I don’t walk away when she says yes. I’ve come to realize that if I stay there for a few seconds longer, she’ll start to open up. I don’t fear the same and have been opening up more. I’ve also asked for time to think things through when I am not ready to talk – “can I come back to you on that” statements have been working well.
We’ve been more physical lately and it is slowly starting to feel more natural. She is starting up a business and that has provided a nice opportunity for me to step up and really support her. I wrote the business plan for the thing and she was blown away.
So, thanks for following along so let me share the two biggest milestones yet. This past Sunday was my birthday and we decided to go to a big bar-b-q that is put on each year a couple towns over. As we unpack the car, get the smallest into the stroller and start walking to the event, WAW reaches her hand to be held. Been more than a year I think….it felt great. We hold hands a particular way and it was just….great. We had fun at the event, calling each other on the cell phone from different food lines (mind you only 50 feet away from each other) and tease each other on who is progressing faster. Funny stuff – we enjoyed the day – as a family. And she liked my new Harley Davidson boots I got for a song!
And here is the best part. Yesterday, I met up with her at our son’s baseball game. We’re talking for a minute and she holds up her left hand and she says, “I put it on”. There it is, her wedding band. She laughs and says, “it feels weird, you need to put yours back on”. I say “why, does the universe feel out of balance?”. She laughs and says yes…
Like I said, there is a mountain of work still to be done, but the path is getting clearer.
DB’g can work but I think like Frank was saying its not necessarily about saving your M, but saving yourself. When you do that, the results will follow. I might be living proof. Time will tell….
Sven
Never sacrifice the great for the good. Sometimes the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair.
