WAW got home from work last night – a little spent. I was actually on the floor folding laundry. She plopped on the couch and we talked a bit about her night. She is stressed and in a mood, but I just listen, etc. She nods off. I finished up and went to get her up to come upstairs. She is so cute, half awake she says “I don’t know how”, I respond with a “tell you what, I’ll help you”. Trying to get through to her subconscious. Anyway, at some point on the overnight, she must have put her hand or arm in mine. She must have woken up and seen what she was doing so she “snapped” back her hand. This wakes me of course. She rolls over and then out of bed and is gone for a bit. When she comes back, I wake again (half awake mind you) so I ask if she is okay. “couldn’t sleep, a lot on my mind”. This morning, she remained distant, etc. I was all jovial, started getting the boys ready and then headed off to work.
Here is the cruddy part – and I don’t know what to do with it. Waaayyyyy back when we were first separated I snooped and came across a box of cndms. Now, I don’t need them anymore as I was “fixed” a couple years back. Back then, the box was opened, but all three were there. From time to time, I admit I would check the box and see if they were still there and as recently as three weeks back if I recall, all three were still in the box. Well, low and behold as I was putting some stuff of MINE back in our bathroom drawers, the box was there, so I peeked. Box now only has two of them in it. My heart sank, again. Then the anger started. I know I cannot really address, since I hadn't meantioned finding the box before and knowing that there were three in that at one time. But I'm furious if the use happened in the past several weeks.
So in our thread Newcomers below we are talking about doing things different. You know, I have done NOTHING but improve my listening skills and yet I continue to not be heard. Yesterday WAW brought up again that what she really wants is someone that will protect her, but at the same time will put her in her place when she is being a b—ch. Well, let me tell you, I have been getting a fair amount of that lately – and it is exhausting. During the M, I was the WUSS that would never confront her but I have become so confident now that I feel like I am not being true to myself by not letting her have it. Mind you, not being abusive, etc. but instead really lay into her about how badly it makes me feel that she is treating me like this. And even if I need to, let her know that it p-sses me off. HardHead I think took a similar approach back at the turn of the year. I know one of the M/V things is to NOT tell a venusian to “snap out of it” but I so want to. She is guest in my reality and it is bringing my reality down. I know I can do it in a way that FMO or M/V says and say something like this: “WAW, I care about you a lot and I want our relationship to get better, but I have to tell you that you are…..” and whatever those things might be. And there are several.
I’m really struggling to let this thing lie guys. I figure a couple things. 1) if what you trying isn’t working, try something different. I cannot try any harder to listen if she won’t open up and won’t give me the same courtesy and 2) I’m not sure anything really “bad” will come from it. What is the worse? She says “okay, then let’s D? Well we have been there before and I made it clear yesterday (gently) that I have NO issue with it going there again. And, BTW, she repeatedly says “I cannot imagine my life without you, and I cannot imagine you giving yourself to someone else”. Also, she keeps saying after these MC sessions that “I feel like I am kicking a puppy”. Well guess what, this dog bites. This to me is “changed” communication. Will it be ugly, I suspect so.
For me anyway, I’m getting the sense that I am NOT being true to myself to roll over to her crappy attitude. I let that happen in the M and look where it got me. And, she also has said that the most frustrating thing is not knowing where I am at (in my head). I WANT to and PREFER to start sharing that. What am I violating by being true to myself. I can do all the above, while AA/AV’g her retorts, and while being clear that I EXPECT to be listened to, and not judged. She is in the throws of starting this new business and that will also take a bunch of my time (I’m the default finance person – so I get to incorporate, file papers, write the business plan, etc.) and I want some respect.
Anyway, I’m going to break from a rule tonight of going to my son’s BB game (I’ve been going to all of them so far since WAW seems to always be working) and go to the gym. I can still get to his game by 7:00 or so. I was thinking I could then make us dinner and we could talk about her business and if the ‘tude is still out there, I’d start the convo.
I was getting a venusian view last night from our mutual friend. Her H had an affair years ago. She made him “pay” for it for a year by withdrawing from him, etc. Finally, he just laid into her and they had it out. From there, their R has been great. To me, there is an air clearing (some of which happened yesterday) that needs to happen. I’m ready. I’ve paid my penance for my failure in the M. Time to put that behind us.
Sven
Never sacrifice the great for the good. Sometimes the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair.
