And part of me (or maybe a big part) is wrong with what I did…but….
Anyway, WAW got home from work last night early – she was all worked up because it was a crappy night. Lately, mind you her attitude has been really crappy. I’ve shrugged it off as much as I could, but I’m getting worn out.
So anyway, I gave WAW a mother’s ring for mother’s day. I screwed up on the sizing and needed to get it resized. She was all miffed that I screwed up the size and cut into me. I let that one roll off my back. I told her I would have it resized. Well, I found a jeweler but they needed a week and wanted $80. I was shocked, so I sat on it until yesterday at which time I found one that could do it in a day and was about $20 less. Well, not sure how she came across it on Friday (it was in one of my bags – I think she snooped) but she called me on it last night. She reminded me that my moving home was a trial and that I wasn’t ready. I asked her what she means and she said I am still lying to her. I asked her to explain and she told me that I looked at her bold faced and told her that the ring was at the jewelers getting sized, when in fact it was in my bag. The interesting part is I told WAW that the ring would not be ready until Tuesday the earliest. CMA.
I was exhausted and didn’t want to argue, and therefore made a half hearted attempt. Not good. She ends up pulling the “I see things haven’t changed with you”.
I should have, but did not blow a top on this one. You know what, when you look at something long enough, you will eventually find a flaw. That is how I have felt – I feel constantly scrutinized and under a microscope. I’m going to mess up, I’m going to make mistakes. I made the situation worse by getting into how pissed I am about the OM and whether he is still in the picture. (mind you he called her Saturday night, and yesterday AM). She covered it by saying it was over and that was that. Nothing to talk about. BS.
Anyway, funny enough my IC called me (she owed me a call back) and we got into it a bit on the phone. She said that WAW has got to stop the constant reference back to the “old Erik”. It’s not fair and she is holding it over my head. She (IC) has confirmed that I have changed, but WAW has NOT – which is totally true. She remains bitter and stressed and has continued to focus all her energy toward the wrong places. Anyway, she helped be get up and dust myself off. All good. Admittedly the behaviour above was a bit of the old me but with all I have been carrying, I got behind. But as usual, I sought to make it right – and did. And CMA’s’ the date the ring would be ready – had she not snooped….which I cannot help but wonder.
But this got me thinking again about communication. WAW and I are not communicating on the right level. We’re not seeking to heal. I’m ready. She is not.
Well, I’m just writing this out. Frustrating. I want to take the center stage tomorrow at MC and just propose that we need to have a closed door, knock down, drag out blasting at each other – clear the air – promise that we will listen to each other and then start working some common goals….
Finally interestingly, my IC said to me, “the reference to the old Erik has to stop, because it will wear thin with you”. I told her, “you read my mind, I’m almost there”.
Venting….
Never sacrifice the great for the good. Sometimes the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair.
