This weekend wasn’t a total wash out (although we are having some nice flooding here in the northeast!). Just a bummer. I sense she is in her “well” and I must continually remind myself that I cannot get her out. She can of course ASK for help and I will listen and be there, but she needs to get herself out of it.
What I sense going on is this continual “discounting” of me as a human being and I guess that what stings the most. Arrgggghhh, I’m being a whiny wuss right now. Glad I have a forum to do so! But I did get sucked back in – I know it. Looking back how obvious was it that when the OM treated her badly, she would flow right back. Now that he is perhaps pursuing...we're ebbing.
So, I’m a bit all over the place if you cannot tell. Part of piecing I suspect is that it will 100 fold test your patience beyond what trying to get to piecing will do. That is what I am seeing now. But, I guess what I am running through now is this. As a part of DB/DR and even DYD, I changed me, for me. That meant actually being happy with my life, living it for me. My 180’s involved being MORE attentive to my WAW and children – and really being more in service to them. At the same time, it also meant for me to be a little “less” erratic – at least with my feelings, particularly when I was down. Instead embracing and living life for EVERY day that we get on this Earth and loving every minute of it.
THAT is where I am at now. I’m living life for ME and living those things that I feel are important to me, and I suspected that they aligned with what WAW was looking for. I’m happy. I’m happy doing things for my kids and my WAW and feel it is part of who I am. I’m happy to continue to find outlets in working out and as the summer rolls along and my gut is all healed, I’ll be back on the mountain bike, road bike, and motorcycle. I want to buy another bike in fact (a cruiser). But, right now I feel like there is this boat anchor in my WAW that is pulling me down or not letting me sail my (our) course.
All in all, there is still more good here than bad perhaps. She and I just aren’t communicating I think on the right level. Much of what we talk about is very superficial. Trust me, I’m not sure I want night after night of deep R talk, etc. But I do know we aren’t moving past the hurt (on both our parts) in the right cadence. Or, maybe it’s the pace. Or, maybe it’s the occasional call from the OM. Who knows.
Post script – I did not give her a poem I had written for Mother's Day last night. I just felt it wouldn’t do any good. It wasn’t written as needy or anything, I just suspect if she has been feeling distant, I don’t want her having the conflict of reading and having feelings she could not reciprocate. Second, she called me this AM and we had a good convo. She was just venting about yesterday/last night at work. Funny thing is as I was packing up the apartment a bit last week I was looking at some of the cell phone bills. Striking that all the calls to the OM would last about a minute, maybe 2 or 3. The calls to me would last anywhere from 3 to 20 depending on the time, availability, etc.
We’ll see how she is tonight. I want to time the poem such that she is more on a wave cresting, than crashing as has been lately. We really need to get a break with this weather as that is bringing everybody down I'm sure.
Finally, a funny story. You may have read way back in my sitch that I have been here before. About 4 months after we were married, she had an affair. I moved out then too. The affair lasted about eight weeks when she broke it off. What is interesting is the timing of the year. The affair happened between January and March. In April of that year, I moved back. April and May were brutal – she was acting then as she is now. Things got suddenly better in June and we were reconciled by the middle of June and entered into one of the best times of our M/R. I guess I’m hopeful that time will, once again, repeat and by next month we'll be well on the way to a full blown reconciliation. However, I’m confident of two things. I am much more prepared and respect myself more than I ever have which will secondly keep it from happening again.
I return to DR and the chapter on writing out my wants. I'm working on that right now and plan to use some of this stuff in this post above, plus what are my want's from a relationship. Should be a great session!
Thanks for listening.
Never sacrifice the great for the good. Sometimes the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair.
