Journalling. I spent Monday and Tuesday night at the apartment. *I* needed a break from WAW’s moodiness and some time to think. We had and MC session on Wednesday.
On the MC session, it went well – we spent too little time on our R – instead focused on parenting stuff – which was also good. My S10 won an award for “character” for all of the year of 4th grade. I am so proud – I’m tearing a little bit about it right now. We then talked about the kids and stuff for a bit.
In the last 20 minutes or so, we got to the R stuff. We discussed the moving home thing and we discussed WAW’s “wall”. She took a fair amount of shots at me (of past events) – but at the same time conceded that I have changed and that she likes the “new Sven”. She is having REAL trouble opening herself up however intimately – this I thought was really good and I think MC did a good job with it. He tried to flush out if it is a real deep rooted issue in the R or if it is just her “worry” that she and the boys will become second to me. She didn’t really answer completely but I thought of a couple things. First, I mentioned that I still think there is much more good than bad in our R – especially now (communication, agreement on parenting, etc.). She came really, really close to admitting that the OM (or thoughts there of) were playing on her mind. It was end of the session so we couldn’t expand on it. Perhaps tonight – she seems to really open up after stewing all day.
The MC then mentioned a couple things. First, he mentioned how admirable it was that I have been patient and that I really do carry myself as a changed, confident man. He mentioned that WAW doing the same could ONLY be good for our R. He also said regarding the intimacy thing that when it happens to just STOP and respect it (look at again, right). He said that instead of FORCING it or IGNORING it, to just stop and look at it. And that slowly, it will open feelings and if we work it together, will allow WAW to feel safe. I’m not covering it completely right, but that was the essence. Like I said, hopefully WAW will stew on this today and we’ll see where it goes. I agreed and said I don’t want to force anything – I want it to be natural and at the same time mentioned how cool would that be – slowly fanning the flame instead of dumping gas or water on it.
Sorry for the long mail, just one more thing that I thought you might find interesting. When we left, she asked if I thought it was a good session. I agreed and asked her the same. She agreed. She then went on to say that she wanted to mention one other thing. She doesn’t like some of the confident (cocky) things I now do – specifically when she tells me that I look nice, I answer, with “I know” or “do you like it?”. She said a simple thanks will do. It is “out of character” for me. It was a buzz kill. So there you go… I thanked her for the feedback but did not apologize (that’s a 180). Just thought that was cool….
The important thing for me now is to figure out ways to keep fanning the flames, gently of the R/M. Side note, don’t’ you just love when you see or hear things R related and you wish your WAS was there to hear it? There was a Dr. on MSNBC or Fox News or a channel like that this AM that was talking about how much better the couples do that really work through the really hard times (and even get to the brink, or all the way to divorce). Statistically over and over it is proven that the R/M that comes out of that is ten fold better, stronger, and more loving than it was even in the best of times.
So, I continue to be patient, allow W her space and time, while working on me and quietly on the R. WAW and I didn’t talk R last night as I thought she might, but she did plop down on the sofa and we leaned in together to talk (shoulder on shoulder) about her business. I went to bed and she fell asleep on the couch (as I expected). I woke up around 4:00 when she rolled into bed and spooned me. Did NOT expect that….
Still rolling along…
Up.
Sven
Never sacrifice the great for the good. Sometimes the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair.
