To all my friends on these message boards and to Michele thank you so much for being there for me when my world fell in and my H told me he was leaving me for an OW and there was nothing I could do to change his mind. Well that was in late June. I found this wonderful place a few days later and began reading and learning.
My H agreed to see a therapist with me in the beginning only for a visit or two because he didn't want to get into blame and talking about the painful stuff. I convinced him that DB therapy would not be like that and he agreed to try a couple of sessions and see how it went.
The first session the therapist (recommended by Michele) told us she couldn't help us in joint sessions unless and until we both wanted the same thing. My H wanted out and I wanted to save the marriage. H asked me a few days later if I thought it would be OK for us to go separately for awhile. I didn't like this idea at first because I knew he would go in there and tell her he was just there to help me learn to live with his decision to be gone. It took a few days of me thinking about it to come to the realization that even if he told her that at least he would have some one to talk to(because he sure wasn't listening to me) and maybe he would listen to the same stuff I was telling him I was learning from Divorce Busting if it was coming from someone else. He had told me he wouldn't read the book because he didn't need a book to tell him how he felt. Well anyway to make a long story a little shorter he has done a complete reversal. He invited me to todays session after he has let me know the last few weeks that he isn't going anywhere.
Todays session went very well. Our therapist agreed that we have made tremendous progress and don't even need to keep coming in to see her but to continue doing what we are doing. She will be there to help us when we want her to be. We went ahead and made one appointment for next month. I told her I had concerns about not just sweeping this under the rug. I wanted to make this marriage better than ever for both of us and wanted him to learn some of the things I have learned. Problem is he won't read. So we talked about that and she suggested that when I found something I thought I wanted to share or discuss with him that I read it to him and he agreed. We also discussed audio tapes available and she is going to loan us her library of tapes including Micheles "Keeping Love Alive". I am really happy about this. She asked me what I needed from my H to help me recover and I told her that I needed him to show affection often and be reassuring to me and do the little things I have always wanted but he wouldn't do. I told her that I explained to him many times over the years that I needed him to do something nice and thoughtful for me once in awhile without always having to ask him first. She looked at him and asked him if he could do better and he said yes and he will try.
I also told them I needed to know that his other relationship is over and is not coming back not that he is "working on it". He said it will be completely over before Xmas and Xmas will be a new beginning for us. He also said I didn't have to worry about that relationship starting up again because it is not going to happen. I guess I will just have to accept that on faith based on the way he is acting towards me now. I know he is with me all the time and has not been seeing OW. Wonder how she feels now. I really don't care as long as she stays out of our lives.
One good thing is that H and I are both off work until after New Years. We have everyday to be together and we are really enjoying having this time. We have spent many many years with no time for each other because of jobs mostly, so this has been a real treat. And better yet that after the New Year he will start a job with the same hours I have. A normal happy life at last.
We are really enjoying our first grandchild who is 1 month old now. We have so many wonderful plans for the future. All of this because Divorce Busting and you wonderful people showed me that how I reacted and what I did would make all the difference and it has. I will keep posting here and I hope you all find the happiness that we are finding. Never give up. Just because your spouse says its over it is not over. I told my H after I read Divorce Busting that if he would take my hand I would lead him out of this mess and to the promised land. Well my friends the promised land lays before us like the shining city on a hill. So everyone of you keep up the good work and I'll be praying that you to will find the promised land.
[This message has been edited by Johnswife (edited 12-07-1999).]
[This message has been edited by Johnswife (edited 12-07-1999).]
