To all my friends on these message boards and to Michele thank you so much for being there for me when my world fell in and my H told me he was leaving me for an OW and there was nothing I could do to change his mind. Well that was in late June. I found this wonderful place a few days later and began reading and learning.
My H agreed to see a therapist with me in the beginning only for a visit or two because he didn't want to get into blame and talking about the painful stuff. I convinced him that DB therapy would not be like that and he agreed to try a couple of sessions and see how it went.
The first session the therapist (recommended by Michele) told us she couldn't help us in joint sessions unless and until we both wanted the same thing. My H wanted out and I wanted to save the marriage. H asked me a few days later if I thought it would be OK for us to go separately for awhile. I didn't like this idea at first because I knew he would go in there and tell her he was just there to help me learn to live with his decision to be gone. It took a few days of me thinking about it to come to the realization that even if he told her that at least he would have some one to talk to(because he sure wasn't listening to me) and maybe he would listen to the same stuff I was telling him I was learning from Divorce Busting if it was coming from someone else. He had told me he wouldn't read the book because he didn't need a book to tell him how he felt. Well anyway to make a long story a little shorter he has done a complete reversal. He invited me to todays session after he has let me know the last few weeks that he isn't going anywhere.
Todays session went very well. Our therapist agreed that we have made tremendous progress and don't even need to keep coming in to see her but to continue doing what we are doing. She will be there to help us when we want her to be. We went ahead and made one appointment for next month. I told her I had concerns about not just sweeping this under the rug. I wanted to make this marriage better than ever for both of us and wanted him to learn some of the things I have learned. Problem is he won't read. So we talked about that and she suggested that when I found something I thought I wanted to share or discuss with him that I read it to him and he agreed. We also discussed audio tapes available and she is going to loan us her library of tapes including Micheles "Keeping Love Alive". I am really happy about this. She asked me what I needed from my H to help me recover and I told her that I needed him to show affection often and be reassuring to me and do the little things I have always wanted but he wouldn't do. I told her that I explained to him many times over the years that I needed him to do something nice and thoughtful for me once in awhile without always having to ask him first. She looked at him and asked him if he could do better and he said yes and he will try.
I also told them I needed to know that his other relationship is over and is not coming back not that he is "working on it". He said it will be completely over before Xmas and Xmas will be a new beginning for us. He also said I didn't have to worry about that relationship starting up again because it is not going to happen. I guess I will just have to accept that on faith based on the way he is acting towards me now. I know he is with me all the time and has not been seeing OW. Wonder how she feels now. I really don't care as long as she stays out of our lives.
One good thing is that H and I are both off work until after New Years. We have everyday to be together and we are really enjoying having this time. We have spent many many years with no time for each other because of jobs mostly, so this has been a real treat. And better yet that after the New Year he will start a job with the same hours I have. A normal happy life at last.
We are really enjoying our first grandchild who is 1 month old now. We have so many wonderful plans for the future. All of this because Divorce Busting and you wonderful people showed me that how I reacted and what I did would make all the difference and it has. I will keep posting here and I hope you all find the happiness that we are finding. Never give up. Just because your spouse says its over it is not over. I told my H after I read Divorce Busting that if he would take my hand I would lead him out of this mess and to the promised land. Well my friends the promised land lays before us like the shining city on a hill. So everyone of you keep up the good work and I'll be praying that you to will find the promised land.
[This message has been edited by Johnswife (edited 12-07-1999).]
[This message has been edited by Johnswife (edited 12-07-1999).]
WOW! I love it! This is so great! I am very happy for you both. You deserve every wonderful moment. Reconciliation is what this board is about and although it doesn't happen for everyone, when it happens, it is thrilling. So, keep up the good work. Listen to the tapes in your car or wherever and continue spending time together. HAPPY NEW YEAR!! Michele
We are moving forward however I am feeling my way through this just as I had to feel my through getting my H to realize he still loved me.
Today H again brought up the subject of the new SUV we plan to buy next year and how he would like to make a large down payment. He asked me to think about it. H knows I will be recieving some money from my inheritance and that would allow us to make a huge down payment. I told him I would think about it but I was not sure I wanted to do that. He asked what was wrong and I told him I am still wondering if he might not change his mind again down the road. He said that is not going to happen and he was adamant about it. He said his whole ema was a big mistake. He also said he understands that I need time to trust our relationship again.
My H certainly seems to be happy and willing to make changes in the way he treats me so that he is more affectionate and loving towards me as he realizes now that he needs to do these things to meet my needs.
I was gone a couple of hours this evening babysitting our new grandson and when I got home he said our therapist called and has left the tapes she offered to loan us at her office and H said he will pick them up in the morning. I asked him if they talked and he said only for a couple of minutes. I believe him because he was watching the 4th quarter of an NBA game. I told H that sometime I would like to know what he thinks caused him to change his mind about us. He responded by saying "ok someday but not today". He doesn't want to talk about it.
I am sure my H has lots of feelings and I wouldn't be surprised if he is feeling like he was really stupid to get mixed up in an ema. I am not going to push him for answers. Right now I am happy being happy and we both agree that it is today and tomorrow that count. And he adds all the days after that too.
So I guess what I am trying to say here is that communication is opening slowly and maybe there are some things that are better off just being left alone. I know if I kept hammering my H about what he did he would pull away again and you know what there are some things I just don't want to know anyway.
JW: I am so happy for you. You did everything right! I think you are and A+ student of DB! And it's paying off for you in a big way. I hope that Ronmom can get the same results. I have to say that one of your biggest strengths in all this was trust and openness to the possibilities that this could work for you. When we gave you recommendations, you took them, you did the self-education and you listened to all sides before you took action. But you did take action, and you singlehandedly turned it around. And you learned a lot from our mistakes without making them yourself. I know I am gushing, but I am so proud of you!!!!
I realize that it will take time to get over the trust issues. I have several problems with that myself, but it really sounds like he is willing to meet you half-way. Still, I'm with you and would hesitate to spend a lot of money on "stuff" yet, til you are very comfortable and secure in your relationship. Nothing wrong with trusting, but with both eyes wide open! Pat yourself on the back, and keep your story going. I know it will help others.
GG it is sooo good to hear from you. Thank you for all the wonderful compliments. Our therapist calls me amazing. I don't feel amazing at all. I feel lucky. So lucky to have found you. Yes YOU deserve AAAA+++++ for being a wonderful and supportive teacher. It was you and Jenny who were there for me when I was so scared. You both kept my hope alive.
I wish we would hear something from Jenny. She deserves so much better than what she was getting last we heard. Before my H turned around I had gotten to a place where I had found peace with myself no matter what he decided to do and I let him know that. I hope Jenny has found that peace. It is really the letting go and detaching that seems to be a pivotal time for our H's. It must shake them up a little to see that we can go on and be happy without them.
I am trying to return the kindness shown to me by helping Ronnie get through this hell she is going through. We both know what that is like don't we. I really do see hope in her situation.
Tell me did you decide to let your H know about the time line you have set? I am hoping that you find a way to motivate him soon. I still believe your H has no intention of going anywhere. Our H's both are lousy communicators and have a real problem verbalizing and sharing what is going on in their heads. I am still working on that. I remind my H sometimes that my crystal ball still doesn't work. Before he would resent the fact that I just didn't know what was going on in his head. It was like I was just suppose to know. Now since the therapy he doesn't get upset if I ask a question. I am still not asking anything about his ema but only about us and our relationship.
Well GG you have given me a great start to this day. There is nothing like taking a few minutes to talk to someone you really care about and for me that is you. Thankyou for being my friend.
Hi all! Just a quick one. This is a good place. I really like all the positive energy here. Pretty much these days I am here, and on Cheers, and that's about it.
I only have a few mins. Had a real busy day and am beat. Had a backslide today, but I'll tell you about it tomorrow. I think there was damage control on my part and it didn't go too badly. Also have some info on h's commit status. But too much for tonight.
JW, OK, so we have a mutual admiration society going. I can live with that. I still think you did a great job.
Jenny B is probably working her tushie off. I got an email several weeks back saying she was starting work at 3 different places in early Nov. So, like I said, she probably hasn't had a spare minute, but I'll write her tomorrow and check in on her. I believe she is fine, just swamped. OK, really gotta go now, the eyes are crossing. GG
