Patience has been the key to this whole situation for me. There are times when things got very frustrating because I wanted to talk about us and he wasn't ready to do that. I believe that he wanted to cry out to my for things that he felt were missing in our marriage that I didn't think were or didn't think were important. He use to ask me to take up golfing with him. I told him that my ulterior motive for having him golf is so that he could take the boys with him and I could have a few hours to myself once in a while...I always thought I said it in jest, but he took it as I didn't want to be with him. Believe me, the next time he asks...I'm there. I didn't see this as a problem in our marriage, my H did. A lot of these little things ended up being one huge thing...my husband feeling rejected over and over and me not really thinking that I was doing anything wrong. So of course when someone else was hanging on to his every word, he loved the attention and it took him to a place that he never expected to be in either. And I don't think he really wanted to be there either. I have learned so much since all of this happened. I found this website soon after I found out about H's affair and realized what I had to do. He was planning on moving out about 2 weeks after I found out. We were going to get things in order. The kids knew he was planning to leave, but didn't know the specifics. I tried to be as matter of fact about our relationship as possible: we discussed finances, visitations, etc. all the time my head reeling not believing I was handling things this way when all I wanted to do was to cry or scream or throw something his way. But never did I ask him to leave or beg him to stay. I knew if I did either that it wouldn't have been by his choice and I would have been the one to blame if I kicked him out or forced him to stay in a marriage he didn't want to be in. When moving day came and went without him leaving, I was estatic, but didn't say a word. About a week after that date, I sat down to talk a little and that was painful. At that point, he told me the only reason he was there was for the kids. He also said that he thought he had the strength to leave but found out he was weak. The only thing I could say to that is that maybe he should look at it differently. That staying was probably more difficult than leaving because all the garbage, all the hurt, and all the anger is here. For weeks after he broke off his affair, I was constantly suspicious of him. I tore my heart out knowing he was going to work and would see this woman every day. But again, coming to this board I was reminded that that woman means nothing to me. All I can do is believe in myself and love my H the best way that I could. My H was really giving me no reason to believe that he was being anything more than honest with me, so I started to let go of the suspicions and redirecting my energy on myself and my family. The sexual part was difficult. But the intimacy was there. We started back a little too quickly. My H was always thwarting my advances, so I had to really feel him out. It's like I could only make love with him when he wanted to, but he would not let me know that he wanted to. I would have to test the waters. But he was cuddling with me and was very tender with me (this is what I mean by intimacy), so I stopped trying to make advances. Then all of a sudden I would be in the shower and he'd pop in for "a visit"...or I would be in the bedroom putting clothes away and he would want to "take a nap". I still feel kind of uncomfortable approaching him because I don't want to face the rejection. His affair began in April and ended in September. And now in December I am finding that he is approaching me and loving me at a level I don't think we ever attained before. And I think it was all because I backed off and settled for intimate moments rather than sexual ones. A lot of people go away together right away after getting back together...we are taking our first trip away this weekend. I think it will be great because we are a place now where we can talk comfortably and laugh and become intimate with each other. I don't know where this person that I am came from, because I never thought I could handle this situation the way I did. I know I would never have handled it this way if it weren't for this website. I hope I have answered some of your questions. Good luck with everything.
