Quote: And hey, she may even address it first and take the heat off of you.
Stranger things have happened.
No Amy, this would NOT be strange in my sitch. She has admitted EVERYTHING on her own to this point so I fully, well, SUSPECT (not expect) that she will own up to this sooner rather than later.
I am resolute in my desire NOT to let myself off the hook for this though. Since I am now the only one responsible for me and my happiness, I can't let this fester if it's going to make me miserable. Anyway, that TOO would be counterproductive because IF I am going to proceed without a talk for now, I will have to be able to do so without acting differently, and right now I am not sure I can do that. I already did something last night I NEVER do. I did not go to bed when W did. I stayed up and watched TV/listened to music. Dunno what she thought of this...don't care right now.
I'm agreeing with Amy on this one....you've had a lot of advice today, but basically I think it all boils down to this....the issue will have to be confronted at some point before you two are able to move on...how the issue is brought up is entirely up to you and, like you said, she may even do it herself, but it appears to me that YOU know what you want/need to do. Therefore, it is the right decision for YOU. Good luck my friend.
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
Thanks Rob. I guess I know I will have to do this on my own. I appreciate the advice and I think there is SO much merit to what everyone is saying but in the end, I will need to do what's best for me and my particular situation, and I will do that to the best of my ability.
I guess last night took my by surprise because I have not had those strong negative emotions for a long time. It's funny that on a day spent posting about how to detach and NOT react to negative stimuli, especially NEW stimuli, I would get the biggest test in that.
All I know is that I have a few hours to get my head on straight before I have a wedding to shoot...joy...do you know how hard it is to witness other people's happiness and marriage when you are anything BUT happy and basically not married anymore...lol.
Quote: No Amy, this would NOT be strange in my sitch. She has admitted EVERYTHING on her own to this point so I fully, well, SUSPECT (not expect) that she will own up to this sooner rather than later.
Well, that's good then. You'll only need to deal with yourself (and what fun that always is! ).....
Quote: You'll only need to deal with yourself (and what fun that always is! ).....
Um, yea, that's the problem. I really believe that this is only a problem if I make it one. I say that because I think she WILL admit the PA soon and make this a moot discovery. I will then be free to express all my hurt and anger.
What I am most afraid of right now is not talking to her, but rather that I WILL talk to her and it will happen because I will just loose control and lash out tonight after the wedding or Sunday. I don't want that to happen. I just hope I can maintain when I see her. I avoided her last night and that's how I dealt with it then. I won't be able to do that for long before she starts asking questions and when that happens...trigger...boom. I want this to happen when I am most ready but then again, I know by now that it usually doesn't happen that way.
Quote: Do NOT let this steal your joy.
I am grasping for that right now. I feel no joy in this moment...maybe the next...or the one after...
That's kinda what I am thinking here. I'm thinking that this trip is one of the VERY few times W and I will ever get to be together without the kids, doing something we both enjoy. Why should I taint that with conversation that is about something that I have known about for months?
My sincere guess is that the trip will be deeply tainted and covered in little passive aggressive maneuvers and hurt expressions and resentment unless you get this out in the open.
Second, this really is an opportunity for you to show your wife that you can handle the truth, that she does not have to protect YOU, in fact, you can support her. You can show her your strength and compassion even while not pretending not to be hurt. This is an opportunity for you to be there for her, AND for her to be there for you. You are taking this away from her unless you do talk about it with her in a reasonable period of time.
P.S. BTW, don't you feel some relief related to this as well? Finally, it is out. Finally, you know you aren't imagining things. Finally, you have a piece of the puzzle that explains so many recent happenings. Finally, you can see that you really can't control all of this and everything does NOT turn on what you say or do. You cannot be the perfect H and DBer and fix things alone, it is not and cannot all be on you...
GH, What I was trying to get at on your "new" thread was stated much more eloquently by OT. As hurt as you are right now, this may be an opportunity to really support your wife and show her you are there for her, she may really need you and be to scared to ask for your help. Then, when it is all out in the open, maybe your weekend away could be even better than you hoped.
Quote: Oh. You are one that is swayed by your circumstances. Rather than one that stands firm, believing, in spite of them.
That'll certainly give this revelation more power than it ought to have.
I actually don't think that's fair. I think I have emotions and FEEL things because of my circumstances but I do a pretty decent job of maintaining my "stance".
Quote: My sincere guess is that the trip will be deeply tainted and covered in little passive aggressive maneuvers and hurt expressions and resentment unless you get this out in the open.
No, the trip will not be tainted because I will not go back to being the passive/agressive ass that I was before. Either I will talk to her or I won't but if I can't be truly ok with this and not talk to her, then I will do what I have to do. Period.
Quote: Second, this really is an opportunity for you to show your wife that you can handle the truth, that she does not have to protect YOU, in fact, you can support her. You can show her your strength and compassion even while not pretending not to be hurt. This is an opportunity for you to be there for her, AND for her to be there for you. You are taking this away from her unless you do talk about it with her in a reasonable period of time.
Ok, I get this. I am going to try but I WILL not talk to her until I can do it in a way that is less emotional that I think I am now. That may take a few days.
Quote: P.S. BTW, don't you feel some relief related to this as well? Finally, it is out. Finally, you know you aren't imagining things. Finally, you have a piece of the puzzle that explains so many recent happenings. Finally, you can see that you really can't control all of this and everything does NOT turn on what you say or do. You cannot be the perfect H and DBer and fix things alone, it is not and cannot all be on you...
).....