Ok, so you are advocating that I confront her with this tonight?
I don't believe I suggested this. You seem to have very good personal and work related reasons to give it a day or two.
I think that you need to have an open, honest, caring discussion with her about this for both your sakes. I think you should in a very straightforward manner tell her what you have found and how you feel, including compassion for her.
You are both stuck in a pattern in which you are enabling her infidelity and her lack of honesty with herself, and in which she feels compelled to support OM and not herself OR you because it is the easiest way for her to live right now.
It is the easiest way because you are making it the case that it is.
This does not require threats and ultimatums. It calls for genuine sharing and realistic boundaries.
I agree that it doesn't really change anything. EXCEPT, it has forced you out of your own denial about what you want and need to move forward yourself.
Ladies and gents, I am really struggling with this one. Part of me agrees with OT and some of you that say to talk to her soon, or tonight. If I do, I have no idea what I would say and I really feel that it goes against what I have stood for in my sitch for so long. That said, I still feel a pull to do this.
Part of me, the part I usually make decisions with, agrees with the rest of you who advocate that I continue on DBing and not push the R talk right now. This is what I want to do but I am not yet sure of it.
I know OT, Mama, Rob, NM, SS, and all the rest of you want what's best for me. I SO appreciate your advice and support.
In the end the most true thing posted about this, and really any other thing I face, is that it is ultimately MY decision to make and I will do that very soon and then live with the consequences of that decision because I do not have the luxury of dwelling on this for days.
Please, any more comments are welcome. I posted some responses to some of your posts, so feel free to follow them up.
you have been the one most adamant all along that this was likely a PA so I needed to come to grips with that. I did, and so this is not a deal breaker for me. Not yet.
That's a great place to be, and yes, you are right, this doesn't have to be the end of the world.
But, I will simply repeat, honest communication in which you share your genuine pain and anger in a caring, controlled way is not a bad thing. You aren't pissed at a receipt. It is the whole A and her treatment of you through it. You deserve better.
It is unhealthy to protect her from the consequences of her actions, consequences that lead to your pain and anger.
This does not mean attack her, quiz her, try to set her up and trap her in lies.
Thus, again, in whatever you say, be straightforward and compassionate to you both.
Quote: I don't believe I suggested this. You seem to have very good personal and work related reasons to give it a day or two.
Ok, I guess I read into what you posted. I do have reasons to do that. I suppose I can just back-burner it until I have time to really think about it. I thought I needed to decide now what I would ultimately do but I think I see the flaw in that.
Quote: I think that you need to have an open, honest, caring discussion with her about this for both your sakes. I think you should in a very straightforward manner tell her what you have found and how you feel, including compassion for her.
I agree with this. I just don't think it will happen this weekend and when it does happen, I don't need it to be all about "what I found". Sure, I am openly admitting that I intend to be dishonest and you may not respect that, but I truly feel that if I introduce this evidence into the equation, it will give her something to focus on and rally her denial around. I just want her to be honest with me. If she does that today, then fine. If it's two days from now then fine. If I have to tell her I know about the test, then I will do that, but that knowledge does not push up my time table much if at all.
Quote: It is the easiest way because you are making it the case that it is.
I don't know if I agree with this. It is clearly NOT easy at all for her right now. In fact, if anything, my motivation to speak to her, and tell her that I know is TO MAKE IT easier for both of us in addition to expressing my honest feelings. If I thought it would do that, I would talk to her in a heartbeat. I know I am trying to predict the unknowable outcome of a future conversation that may or may not happen. I will try to stop that. Bottom line is that in my mind, waiting is better and more likely to lead to the truth sooner than confronting her will. She's been opening up more and more as time goes on. My admission of snooping (which is what it will be to her no matter what I say) seems like it will set us back weeks/months in that respect. I really feel that.
Quote: I agree that it doesn't really change anything. EXCEPT, it has forced you out of your own denial about what you want and need to move forward yourself.
Yes, and like I said, the only aspect of that which is truly important is that now I think I need her to be honest with me eventually where as before I was content to just "know" without confirmation.
Quote: This does not mean attack her, quiz her, try to set her up and trap her in lies.
Right now, that's what I would do. I do not have it in me to be compassionate and controlled about this right now. Possibly, in the comming days, when I have processed this more, I will know I can do that and will approach her. Today, and for the forseeable future, that is not the kind of conversation I can have about this. I need to work on that for sure, and I will.
Here's another wrinkle. About a month ago I bought my W tickets to a concert 2.5 hours away for next weekend. I arranged for my parents to babysit so we could stay over there for the night, which to my surprise, she seemed to like the idea of. It is also Mother's day that weekend and so I was going to get W a massage (she's been wanting one for a long time now) at the place I plan on booking. SO, IF I do talk to her, do I do it before, after or during that little trip. There is not much chance of us not going. We have spent too much money so far and really, based on our sitch before last night, there was every reason in the world to get away together and have some real quality time together.
I don't think I am really asking your opinions about the trip because I'm committed to going. What I am asking you is whether this trip should influence my timing on any R talk I would have with her. To me, it's a lot like before the Ireland trip when I thought all this stuff was going on. I decided to just go and ignore all the "stuff". That's kinda what I am thinking here. I'm thinking that this trip is one of the VERY few times W and I will ever get to be together without the kids, doing something we both enjoy. Why should I taint that with conversation that is about something that I have known about for months?
NOW, I think SHE may instigate a R talk before then because each of the past two weekends she has, and opened up more each time. Maybe SHE's waiting until this weekend to talk. In that event, I will have to see what she says and decide on the fly if I need to tell her about the receipt.
I read through your latest sitch. I am going to try and give you some advice(For what that is worth)
You said that you had already delt with the fact the your W had a PA with OM even though she only confused to a EA.(I think I got that right)
Well if you already had processed those emotions of a PA then I don't feel you would be reacting this way to finding a receipt. I think no matter what you tried to convince yourself the R with OM was, still part of you held on the hope that it was just an EA.
So you are hit with evidence that says it was a PA, by your reactions I don't think right now you are in a place to talk with your W about this. Right now you need to process this inside yourself first.
I agree with the Others, for your R with your W to move forward she needs to come clean with you, and lay it all on the table.
I also agree that this can not stew in you for weeks and not be addressed. But I think the wise course of action would be to take a few days and deal with this for you.
Then when you are in a good place emotionaly about everything, then you talk about it.
I also agree with your assessment about your W stress, I am sure this is why? You will know in a few days when the time is right, you will also be in a better emotional state to talk with her and DB your butt off during the convo.
Well if you already had processed those emotions of a PA then I don't feel you would be reacting this way to finding a receipt. I think no matter what you tried to convince yourself the R with OM was, still part of you held on the hope that it was just an EA.
To be up front about this for you, OT, and others, of course this is true. I WAS in some denial about it but I think if I really didn't KNOW it was a PA, I would NOT have been able to walk up to her 2 minutes after finding the reciept and engage her in chit-chat on my way upstairs to begin posting last night. I had more anger and pain when she wore that shirt to bed the other night than finding this reciept.
Oh, and OT, I AM pissed at the piece of paper...lol.
Quote: So you are hit with evidence that says it was a PA, by your reactions I don't think right now you are in a place to talk with your W about this. Right now you need to process this inside yourself first.
I know I am not in the right place to talk to her. I don't know if when I get to that place, I will still want/need to do it. Does that make sense?
Quote: I agree with the Others, for your R with your W to move forward she needs to come clean with you, and lay it all on the table.
You also agree with me then. I know she needs to come clean. I have always said she would do that eventually. I still beileve that, probably now more than ever.
Quote:
I also agree with your assessment about your W stress, I am sure this is why? You will know in a few days when the time is right, you will also be in a better emotional state to talk with her and DB your butt off during the convo.
