Ok, so you are advocating that I confront her with this tonight?
I don't believe I suggested this. You seem to have very good personal and work related reasons to give it a day or two.
I think that you need to have an open, honest, caring discussion with her about this for both your sakes. I think you should in a very straightforward manner tell her what you have found and how you feel, including compassion for her.
You are both stuck in a pattern in which you are enabling her infidelity and her lack of honesty with herself, and in which she feels compelled to support OM and not herself OR you because it is the easiest way for her to live right now.
It is the easiest way because you are making it the case that it is.
This does not require threats and ultimatums. It calls for genuine sharing and realistic boundaries.
I agree that it doesn't really change anything. EXCEPT, it has forced you out of your own denial about what you want and need to move forward yourself.
