Piecing in Infidelity-land...GH part 10

[PositivelyListening]

Hi my friend GH, I am sorry you have been hit with a BIG trigger, so I am here to remind you about what you posted to me earlier today

Of course, a lot of this become unconscious but I point out the "new trigger" thing because even today something will catch me by surprise and I will have a negative emotional reaction (which BTW I see as fine so long as you don't let it control you) and think that I am not succeeding in detaching when the truth is that we are all human and cannot expect to be robotic when it comes to all this.

So, practice but don't beat yourself up. You CAN take control over your reactions to life, and specifically THIS aspect of life if you want to badly enough. Sometimes though, we just need to go through a certain amount of self-imposed crap before we decide to stop.

I agree with OT that you will need to have a discussion about what you have found. At a certain point, it becomes like lies and deceit on our part if we don't tell the truth from our side. I just encourage you to get the emotional adrenalin insanity invasion out of the way first, before you talk about it.

When I found my H's charge for the plane ticket to Germany to visit the OW on the credit card statement, on a weekend several weeks after my H has revealed the A and promised he would not lie to me again, it took me 2 days to decide what I wanted to do and how I wanted to respond. I was blown away, he had so cheerfully lied to my face. We were in MC at the time, so I chose to bring it up there 2 days later, not at the beginning or even the middle, more towards the end, really casually with a soft gentle voice. He seemed embarrassed and apologetic. I told him it was OK that I saw it, after all, he went, he was his choice to go if he wanted to go - seeing the trip on paper didn't change that he went, you know, what's so is so. But it was important to me if we were going to continue to interact with each other, that he not lie to me - that he tell me the truth. Now is he doing that 100% yet? Not even close. Sins of omission being far bigger than the lies though, as far as I can tell. I am not sure but it is likely he is not lying to me much anymore. He's just not saying a lot, leaving stuff out totally. But after I told him what I found, and he apologized for lying, then for him 2 days later, he got mad at me and expressed it, wanted to know what else I had "snooped" into. You know that conversation went well, though! First it was a good thing that he expressed himself, and I told him I was glad he was letting me know he was upset. Then, I told him how it had happened (on line, checking the accounts one day), rather innocently really, and asked him why he was so concerned since we had joint accounts and I had always had access to everything anyway. It turned out he was much more worried about the e-mails that were likely still on his computer that I hadn't found yet. So that's where his shame and fear was. But he told me, how cool was that.

Anyway GH, this was accidental discovery. You did some laundry, emptied out the pockets. And you know, there are no coincidences in life. Maybe she really secretly wanted you to find it, so she could talk about that which she knows she needs to say even though she doesn't want to. You could see this as a blessing. It could bring you closer - IF YOU DON'T REACT NEGATIVELY. So take as long as you need (but not TOO long ), and when you speak to her, bring your love and compassion to the table. We're here for the other gunk. You're the best GH. This could be a good thing