At some point very soon you are going to have to talk to her. She owes you the whole truth no matter how obvious it may be now. There is a slim chance that the test wasn't for her, but history does suggest otherwise. You just need to tell her that you found the receipt and you don't feel you can continue without her being completely honest about everything so you can make some informed decisions for yourself.
GH, you need to confirm this and not sit it on it too long. It'll eat you alive. Don't give it the power. There is also that nasty issue about STD's. That's real. You know it.
If she is not willing not admit the truth, or give you proof the test wasn't for her, you should probably question whether she is still the woman you think she is...
But by all means, give her one more chance to tell the truth once you have calmed down.
Hi my friend GH, I am sorry you have been hit with a BIG trigger, so I am here to remind you about what you posted to me earlier today
Quote: Of course, a lot of this become unconscious but I point out the "new trigger" thing because even today something will catch me by surprise and I will have a negative emotional reaction (which BTW I see as fine so long as you don't let it control you) and think that I am not succeeding in detaching when the truth is that we are all human and cannot expect to be robotic when it comes to all this.
So, practice but don't beat yourself up. You CAN take control over your reactions to life, and specifically THIS aspect of life if you want to badly enough. Sometimes though, we just need to go through a certain amount of self-imposed crap before we decide to stop.
I agree with OT that you will need to have a discussion about what you have found. At a certain point, it becomes like lies and deceit on our part if we don't tell the truth from our side. I just encourage you to get the emotional adrenalin insanity invasion out of the way first, before you talk about it.
When I found my H's charge for the plane ticket to Germany to visit the OW on the credit card statement, on a weekend several weeks after my H has revealed the A and promised he would not lie to me again, it took me 2 days to decide what I wanted to do and how I wanted to respond. I was blown away, he had so cheerfully lied to my face. We were in MC at the time, so I chose to bring it up there 2 days later, not at the beginning or even the middle, more towards the end, really casually with a soft gentle voice. He seemed embarrassed and apologetic. I told him it was OK that I saw it, after all, he went, he was his choice to go if he wanted to go - seeing the trip on paper didn't change that he went, you know, what's so is so. But it was important to me if we were going to continue to interact with each other, that he not lie to me - that he tell me the truth. Now is he doing that 100% yet? Not even close. Sins of omission being far bigger than the lies though, as far as I can tell. I am not sure but it is likely he is not lying to me much anymore. He's just not saying a lot, leaving stuff out totally. But after I told him what I found, and he apologized for lying, then for him 2 days later, he got mad at me and expressed it, wanted to know what else I had "snooped" into. You know that conversation went well, though! First it was a good thing that he expressed himself, and I told him I was glad he was letting me know he was upset. Then, I told him how it had happened (on line, checking the accounts one day), rather innocently really, and asked him why he was so concerned since we had joint accounts and I had always had access to everything anyway. It turned out he was much more worried about the e-mails that were likely still on his computer that I hadn't found yet. So that's where his shame and fear was. But he told me, how cool was that.
Anyway GH, this was accidental discovery. You did some laundry, emptied out the pockets. And you know, there are no coincidences in life. Maybe she really secretly wanted you to find it, so she could talk about that which she knows she needs to say even though she doesn't want to. You could see this as a blessing. It could bring you closer - IF YOU DON'T REACT NEGATIVELY. So take as long as you need (but not TOO long ), and when you speak to her, bring your love and compassion to the table. We're here for the other gunk. You're the best GH. This could be a good thing
PositivelyListening ************************************** When one door of happiness closes, another one opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us. - Helen Keller
Thank you ladies. I really need to calm down and think about all this. Maybe my head will be clearer in the morning. Anyway, my window to talk to her passed until Saturday night. I have a wedding tomorrow and meetings on Saturday morning.
I am going to bed now. Please, any more comments, even if they are more of the same, are encouraged. I need all the reinforcement I can get at this point.
GH - I don't think I've posted to you before, but I read you regularly and this issue has really picked my interest.
It seems to me that you are making a lot of ASSumptions. OK - so there was a receipt for a pregnancy test in her pants. Do you know it was her receipt? No. Do you know she bought the pregnancy test for herself? Could have been for a friend/sister/coworker? Maybe.
You said she's irregular, well I for one know that irregularity breeds fear and if she has been under stress for some time, and you mentioned I think that she has a little bit of an eating disorder like PArob's wife she may have skipped a few periods and she's just making sure she's not pregnant to you or anyone else.
There have been cases of women who, under stress, have been eight months pregnant and not been aware of it.
For goodness sake - this changes very little - and there comes a point where it would be great to give her the benefit of the doubt.
Imagine how scared she must be if she does think she is pregnant. Be a supportive and loving friend to your wife - she may need that now more than ever - yes?
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
Gh i really dont know what to say about this one,except that i defintitely think when you think the time is right that she should be confronted with this.I least she will know that you know,and one way or another this could be a turning point.
Then again GH,i dont know..Im sure you will do whats best...Maybe this was her being sure before she decided to get back to "US" once and for all?
And another thing i was thinking about is ..How could she be so careless as to leave a receipt in her pocket?I know if it were me i would have burned the damn thing.Did she want you to find it?Did she think you would go through her pockets? Now that my W and I are back together,she has been beating around the bush about alot of things,but she says she never wants to talk about it again..which really i am ok with..because i know,and i have thought the worst,and i still love my W.
This is a tough one GH...You have already done better than most people...I surely would have blew up,said lots of things,left the house.....Than probably came back the next day to say im sorry.So you are doing very well,and sooner or later the truth has a way of coming out.
Believe me, as my H has had two ow, I know how horrible coming face to face with the actual truth can be. Give yourself permission to be upset and feel like crap because frankly it sucks.
Then, take a deep breath. Keep yourself occupied and perhaps pull back from your W a little until you sort out your feelings. I don't think the hurt ever goes away, but it will get better.
In a way I think this might actually be good for you. For some time you wanted to believe it was not a PA and this will force you to deal with your feelings instead of clinging to the possibility that it wasn't true.
Whether you discuss what you found with your W is really up to you. Sometimes we all walk around on eggshells for fear anything we do wrong will send our WAS even farther away.
The fact that your W thinks she may be pregnant is perhaps one reason she has been reluctant to rekindle a physical relationship with you. I know this probably doesn't make you feel any better, but at least your W will not find herself in a dilemma over the paternity.
Remember, your W is probably under a lot of stress as well. It is possible that she was still sleeping with him even after her feelings changed. If he was violent toward her and is giving her grief about trying to repair your M, it's also likely that your W felt pressure to continue the physical side of things even after her heart wasn't in it anymore.
Take care of yourself GH. This is horrible information to have thrown at you at a time when you thought you were slowly making progress. (And really I think you still are.) Try not to make any decisions or confront your W until your initial feelings subside and you have a little time for your head to clear.
GH, I hope you had a good nights rest. I agree wholeheartedly with Superstressed.
Quote: For some time you wanted to believe it was not a PA and this will force you to deal with your feelings instead of clinging to the possibility that it wasn't true
I know this is how I felt when I found the Walgreens receipt for the Hallmark card. It forces you to face the facts. I was so hurt I couldn't think straight but I didn't react to my emotions. (Not until a couple weeks later, anyway).
Quote: The fact that your W thinks she may be pregnant is perhaps one reason she has been reluctant to rekindle a physical relationship with you.
Put yourself in your W's shoes for a moment. This could explain alot.
My advice, for what it's worth, is to not say anything for a couple of days. You need time to digest this information. Then when the time is right and you are not so emotional you will have to let her know what you found and give her the chance to come clean (although, don't expect her to....)
Oh boy, GH....sorry to hear about this latest. {{{GH}}} Hugs to you.
My opinion - I think deep down you KNEW it was a PA. This could be the confirmation you can use to your benefit and settle this in your mind once and for all.
Bring the subject up - well, why? Your W will probably deny it because she knows it will hurt you and she does not want to do that. Hurt you.....that is.
As others have stated, if she's irregular, along with the stress, it may be just her way of being sure that the unexpected hasn't happened. Not necessarily because she believed she was. Rather to rule it out in order to clear her slate and move forward with you. I don't view this as anything different than a WA going on vacation with OP....of course they are going to lie about it. Would you confront her about a receipt found to a hotel room?
I may be wrong, but I don't see it as a set-back. Rather use it to help you move forward, GH. Face the deepest fear you have and move ahead. Accept that you may never know all the "facts" around her A. I'm not saying remain in ignorance, but try not to dwell on the bad and focus on the GOOD and all things positive. And try and do something for YOURSELF. Call in sick to work on Monday and go to the beach......sorry I don't have anything better to offer.
As others have suggested, it is a good idea to be compassionate toware your W, but you also have to treat yourself well...
"Sweetheart, I'm very worried about you. I found this pregnancy test, and whether you are pregnant or not, it must be an incredibly hard and stressful time for you. I'm also worried about me. This is quite a shock and it is unhealthy for me to keep it bottled up. I feel sick finding something that confirms a PA when you denied that there was one. I am scared for our son and his mother. I am scared for myself, I'm not sure how I can continue to live like this. Whatever happens, I really want to be able to be open and talk about this so that we have a chance to have a healthy R, whatever kind of R it turns out to be. We both deserve truth and compassion here."
At the same time, this is HER problem, a result of HER choices, and you need to not fix it for her. There is nothing wrong with letting her see your anger and pain. And, if you are starting to see just how serious a problem her continued contact with OM is, perhaps you will reconsider putting a boundary in place there with which you treat yourself decently.
As long as you tolerate it, she will keep trying to manage her feelings and OMs feelings so that she doesn't have to confront the fact that "her true love and destiny" has turned out to be a momentary panacea with nothing really left over at the end, not even friendship, not even someone she really likes. This isn't to say that she wasn't getting something she needed and wanted from the A, BTW, only that it wasn't what she thought it was.
Let her see your pain and anger. You are doing no one a service by burying it, you are letting her continue as she is, which she hates. And, beyond all this, I'd be especially pissed off because she is putting so much of the barrier to intimacy on you when, if she could be honest with herself, she'd have to admit that her guilt, fear, and continued lies around her cheating is a huge part of it. If you are unsure you want to continue, she should know that.
Quit coddling her, if nothing else it enables her to coddle OM.
), and when you speak to her, bring your love and compassion to the table. We're here for the other gunk. You're the best GH. This could be a good thing 